Hear that? It's the sound of Desiree Hartsock laughing maniacally because she's trapped her victims on the island of Madeira with literally no escape route except for the pirate ship they sailed in on. Luckily, all of them happen to be in love with her, so whatever.
This week on The Bachelorette, Des took a break from sketching her feelings and went on all kinds of romantic island dates, one of which featured a rose, and all of which featured waterfalls. Of saliva. With that in mind, sit back, relax, and enjoy the sight of Brooks Forester wandering around the tropics like the beautiful mermaid that he is. We get it, Brooks. You're hoping Herbal Essences will recruit you for one of their commercials. Just put your hair back into its half ponytail and calm down.
Brooks and Des Get Asphyxiated In Cloud 9
Brooks chose to wear a free-flowing linen blouse during his date with Des, and that's really all you need to know about their 1-on-1. Well, other than the fact that they climbed some giant mountain and then rambled incessantly about clouds. Like, they were chillin' in an actual cloud, but also a cloud of emotion, but also a cloud of testosterone and estrogen? Basically, they morphed into horny Care Bears.
All we know is that Desiree seems obsessed with Brooks and his pompadour, and after their extremely deep conversation about the alarming fact that clouds exist, they enjoyed a beyond romantic dinner date / fireworks display wherein Brooks started tearing and used the word "family" about thirty times. Sigh, we're thinking these two might be in it for the long haul, guys! Of course, first Brooks' tender fingers need to forgive Des for trying to murder them.
Chris Is "Sending Out an S.O.S"
Time to down a few goblets of Envolve, because it's the only way you're going to get through Chris and Desiree's date. Why? Because these two literally can't be around each other without breaking into spontaneous bouts of poetic word vomit, and this week they took their lyrical limericks to a whole new level by writing a poem, sticking it in a bottle, and littering it into the ocean. On behalf of Bachelor Nation, we'd like to issue an apology to The Atlantic, as well as any innocent anemones that may have inadvertently read part of said poem while swimming around.
Oh, and in case you went deaf spontaneously during this scene, Chris most definitely dropped the L-word on Des after a romantic afternoon spent rubbing her body with sunscreen. Unfortunately, he couldn't form the simple sentence "I love you," so instead he just wrote ANOTHER POEM. To quote: "Our hearts are open and in every kiss I truly mean that I love you." Des' response? Shoving her tongue down his throat. We have no words. Because Chris just stole them all and wrote a poem with them.
Michael and Des Have Funzies In Funchal
Time for Desiree to face the prosecution! Get it? Lawyer jokes! This week, Michael finally got a chance to show Des his softer side (aka his diabetic side) during a romantic date exploring the city of Funchal, wherein they forced two traumatized locals to give them a toboggan ride, fondled local fruit, and went on a romantic picnic next to a waterfall. Desiree was even more excited than a kid in a candy shop (sorry, Michael, too soon?), and the date only got better when Michael dropped the bombshell that his father abandoned him as a child.
After all, we all know how much Des loves a tragic childhood story, and she was all kinds of turned on by Michael's sordid youth — not to mention the fact that his ex girlfriend broke his heart, the fact that he wore cargo shorts on their date, and the fact that he looks like Christian from Clueless. And speaking of clueless, Des and Michael's date was a full-on Monet. From far away it's ok, but up close it's a big old mess.
Zak and Drew Fight For the Right to Party in Des' Pants
In the words of the Spice Girls, tonight's the night when two become one. And Zak and Drew totally became one with each other during their date with Des, a beautiful adventure in which they were forced to race Go Karts in a bid to win Des' heart. Some highlights? Zak showing Desiree his art (which we're pretty sure he stole from a local kindergartner), Drew pouting in his henley shirt while binge eating strawberries, and — oh yeah — Drew declaring his love for Des while sitting on a pile of tires.
Unfortunately, Des is crazy-obsessed with both Drew and Zak (ugh, her life is so hard), but ultimately she decided to give Drew the rose. The catch? Homegirl didn't have to send Zak home — instead his fate was decided at the Rose Ceremony!
Most OMG Moment of the Episode: Des Is Visited By Ghosts of Bachelor Past
Give a warm welcome to Catherine Giudici, Jackie Parr, and Lesley Murphy aka Desiree's ex sista-wives who fought alongside her for Sean Lowe's heaving pectorals on The Bachelor Season 17. Apparently, Chris Harrison released these ladies from their jail cells and allowed them to visit Madeira, where they dished Des a few epic words of wisdom like "you need some spice!" and "these dates are big!" and then peeped on Des' men with binoculars as they frolicked in the water. Thanks ladies, we couldn't have done this without you!
Who Went Home?
After a therapeutic bonding session with Chris Harrison in which she admitted to being in love with Brooks, Des decided to do the unthinkable — deflower Michael. We know, it's like this poor dude just can't catch a break! Did you not notice his thumbs throughout this entire season, Des? BANDAGED, like his heart now that you've BROKEN IT. Also, Michael called his mom from the exit limo, and now we love him.
Quote of the Night
Desiree’s homeslice Catherine, always thinking about the important questions in life, asks Des about her boyfriends: "Which one has the biggest d--k?" (at least that’s what we think she said.)
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Des visits the hometowns of her final four during Monday's all-new episode of The Bachelorette (airing July 15)! Expect home girl to hit up Chris in Oregon, Brooks in Utah, Zak in Texas, and Drew in Arizona. So, basically, the east coast can suck it.
Also, Desiree's brother, Nate Hartsock, is back to bring the pain on Des's now plural boyfriends.