Hometown Dates are officially upon us, a beautiful time wherein Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock visits the home hovels of her final four boyfriends and pretends like she totally isn't cheating on them by macking with multiple people. It's basically the most awkward two hours of the season, so settle in with a bucket of popcorn (by which we mean can of Cheez Whiz) and some wine (by which we mean even more Cheez Whiz. And wine.) and get ready to have your mind blown.
Some highlights to whet your appetite? Maybe she was looking a little swervy in the spine, but for some reason Chris Siegfried’s pops gives Des an unasked for body adjustment. Like, dude literally just throws her down on the table, tucks her shirt tail in (awkward), and cracks her up — physically. Oh, and let’s not forget that Brooks Forester wears a yellow lumberjack shirt for literally no reason. Perhaps he was worried that Desiree might put him through some physical challenges, like hunting their dinner and then chopping wood to cook said catch.
But what really takes the cake is that time Zak Waddell forced his overly-attractive family to sing to Desiree. Clearly, Des has a much stronger cringe-handling reflex than we do, because we’re still reeling (aka frantically searching iTunes for the single when it drops later tonight.
We’ll have all of your recappy goodness as soon as the show ends (on Eastern time), so check back here for more memorable moments, the details on who went home and why, and much more.
Will Desiree Be Zak's Texas Rose?
Last time Zak Waddell was in Texas, he blinded an entire tribe of innocent armadillos with his man-parts. So yes, we entered this date worried, and our concern only grew when Zak announced that his big plans for the day included hijacking a sno cone truck, taking it to an elementary school, and trolling on a bunch of kiddos. For some reason, neither Des nor Zak were arrested in the process, which is a miracle — especially considering that Zak was dressed like a penguin the entire time. We're really sorry, local children of Texas.
Luckily, things took a turn for the less-creepy when Zak took Desiree home to meet his family, a colorful crop of Southern belles and gents, all of whom were delighted to meet Des. Sure, Zak ruined the entire concept of "music" when he and his siblings broke into spontaneous song, but whatever. Des was all about his acoustic poetry. Oh, and the best part of Zak and Des' hometown date? When this hunk finally declared his love, and gave Des a pawn shop ring! Not to be confused with an engagement ring. We think? Who knows... it was weird.
Drew Dunks a Ball in Desiree's Love Hoop
Truth bomb: we spent most of Drew Kenney's hometown date sobbing happy tears and marveling at the fact that this dude's hair doesn't move. But that aside, this gent finally got a chance to introduce Desiree to his mentally challenged sister, and as you might expect their meet ‘n greet was super emotional. Yep, after a day spent squatting on random patches of grass, Des and Drew picked up his sis and hit up Drew's parents' house for a not-at-all awkward grilling session. A brief breakdown? Everyone got buzzed on white wine and Drew and his mom held hands a bunch.
Naturally, Drew declared his undying Ken-doll love for Des, and asked her to move into his Barbie Dream House (aka his heart). Des' response? A makeout session. Also, anyone else think this moment would have been way more adorable had Drew been wearing this?
Desiree Gets Intimate with Chris('s Dad)
Don't worry, you guys, Desiree got a full body adjustment during her date with Chris. No, not from the man herself — but from his chiropractor father, who felt the need to strap Des to a table like some mad scientist, and realign her entire spine. Just one of the many highlights on this date! Other glorious moments included Chris and Desiree playing baseball (ugh, how many more sporting montages can we take?), Desiree showing off her weird doodles, and Chris having the snot expunged from his nose by his father.
But did Des survive the ultimate test and impress Chris' super protective mom? Of course she did, you fools! This is Desiree we're talking about. Mother-in-laws get high the moment she walks into a room. Girlfriend might as well tattoo "Your Son's Baby Maker" on her forehead.
Brooks Blows Desiree's Lady... Mind
So, apparently Brooks' parents are even hotter for each other than we are for Brooks' pompadour, because they busted out a near-dozen children. They're basically Utah's answer to the Duggars. Naturally, each and every one of these desert dwellers loved Des, but first let's discuss Brooks and Des' pre-family one-on-one time, in which Desiree transcribed her favorite moments with Brooks using color coding, and presented it to him in the shape of a rose. Oh, and then they went on a canoe ride. No words.
Anyway, this gal is clearly obsessed with Brooks, but as we know from last week's episode, he's totally iffy about her. And after seeing Desiree interact with his enormous family over dinner, Brooks still didn't drop the L-word! Consider us horrified. Also, is anyone else thinking Des might unintentionally become a sister-wife if she marries this dude? Us either.
Most OMG Moment of the Episode: The Return of the Jedi (aka Nate)
Remember Nate, Desiree's feisty brother who completely ruined her chances of marrying Sean Lowe when he called him a "player" during Bachelor hometown dates? Well, someone thought it would be a good idea to let him out of his cage, and he spent his time trolling around a hotel lobby in Los Angeles and creeping on Des' suitors. Apparently, Nate's grossed out by the fact that his sister is swapping spit with four different dudes, which he made abundantly clear during their reunion. Pshhhh, in a box to the left, Nathan.
Who Went Home?
Despite having a great date with his minstrel siblings, Des sent Zak home during this week's emotional Rose Ceremony — and she gave back his promise ring! We'll miss you and your waddell, Waddell! Now excuse us while we go paint a portrait of this cowboy's six-pack on our own Cheez Whiz-filled stomach.
Quote of the Night
Brooks gets in touch with his emotions: "It's nice to hear her say I'm feeling those feelings. It's a good feeling." We feel you.
Next-Next Week on The Bachelorette
After June 22’s “Men Tell All,” Desiree and her final three will take the island of Antigua by storm during Monday's all-new episode of The Bachelorette (airing June 29)! This gal gets a chance to get skintimate with her hotties in the fantasy suites, a terrifying place where there are zero cameras (except for the secret ones Chris Harrison plants around the room). Do you think Des will let the three remaining musketeers into her chamber of secrets? Tune in to find out!