Please liquify some rose petals and inject them into your eyeballs, because the time has come to get high on life, love, and the erotic smells wafting from Chris Harrison's general direction. That's right, Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette is finally upon us, and our bodies are ready. By which we mean we're currently clutching a Franzia box, prison-tattooing PROPERTY OF CHRIS HARRISON on our chest, and crying in anticipation of how amazing the next few months will be.
But before we get into the nitty gritty, let's take a moment to talk about Andi. Ever since this Georgia Peach snatched Juan Pablo Galavis' weave on The Bachelor, she's been searching for love. The poor dear just wants to find a man who's capable of forming sentences other than "ees okay." Luckily, ABC feels so bad about what a clusterf–k Juan Pablo's season was, that most of Andi's contestants are total winners, and only a few of them appear to have escaped from local sanitariums. Let's get to know them, shall we?
Check back with Wetpaint Entertainment in T-minus just a few more hours for a full recap of tonight's Bachelorette premiere, and until then enjoy the remaining moments of freedom you have left. (Or, you know, read all about the episode in our spoiler roundup.)
P.S.: If TLC has taught us anything, it's that a scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly and is also known as a buster. Feel free to keep that in mind as we hold Internet hands and embark on this spiritual love journey together.
Most Memorable Arrivals
So, Tasos and his faux hawk showed up with a lock and made Andi attach it to a gate and throw away the key to symbolize their love. It's like, we get it, Chris Harrison. You hired Tasos to barricade these poor souls in Bachelor Mansion without anyone arresting you for kidnapping. Oh well, at least this moment was cute — aside from Tasos' faux hawk which is destroying our collective lives.
When this misguided soul wandered up to Andi, we were like "OMG, Chris Harrison got Meg Ryan to time-travel from 1999!" Unfortunately, behind that flowing golden bob was the face of a handsome doctor — a handsome doctor who uttered the musing "you must have a fever 'cause you look pretty hot." Never change, Jason. Except actually please change immediately.
Just in case you were wondering how to pronounce Emil's name, it's like "anal" with an "M," a fact that he felt the need to mention to Andi upon meeting her. Which, to be honest, brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "diarrhea of the mouth." #sorrynotsorry
Apparently, Brett's mother told him never to greet a lady empty handed, so he opted to bring Andi a giant lamp. Ergo, Brett's mother must hate him. Um, also it's possible that Brett will spend the remainder of The Bachelorette in a prison because the lamp he gifted Andi was stolen from his hotel. Then again, Bachelor Mansion is already kind of like a prison but with more conjugal visits, so same diff.
It was hard to watch Eric and Andi meet given his tragic passing in a paragliding accident after her wrapped his Bachelorette filming, but it was easy to see why this guy stole her heart. Like many contestants, Eric came bearing gifts — but his tokens were surprisingly adorable and not-at-all insane: two dolls that a little girl in Peru asked him to give his girlfriend. Our hearts are melting!
First Impression Rose
All of Andi's contestants are made equal, but the dude who made the biggest impression? That would be Nick Viall, who won Andi's affection by informing her that he's a father-figure to his ten siblings. Her ovaries were clapping their egg-hands in glee! Unfortunately, Andi kinda-sorta implied that she isn't attracted to Nick by saying that she wanted to give the First Impression Rose to someone who she wouldn't normally be attracted to. Yikes.
Trainwreck of the Night
Remember Bachelorette Emily Maynard's reject, Chris Bukowski? Well he's back, and apparently he's been camped out in the backwoods of Bachelor Mansion living among used prophylactics and a bunch of feral forest animals, while presumably surviving on his own tears. Apparently, Chris waited for seven days for Andi to show up to Bachelor Mansion in the hopes of scoring a date, and girlfriend didn't even bother to say "hey y'all" or explain to him that she’s “a hugger” before sending him packing.
Basically, Chris begged Other Chris for a chance to see Andi, was promptly put in a timeout at craft services, had his bouquet of flowers confiscated, and was sent back from whence he came (aka Chris Harrison's Bro Brothel).
Quote of the Night
Chris Bukowski worries everyone: "I've been out here for seven days. On my own. I did it. I've been out here for so long and it's killing me." (Dear god, someone HELP HIM.)
Who Was Sent Home?
Better grab some freeze frames while you can, because the time has come to bid adieu-adieu-adieu to the following tragic souls, all of whom were deflowered by Andi because they were harshing her white wine buzz. Please say "bye forever" to Jason Leep, Rudie Dane, Josh Bauer, Mike Campanelli, Steven Woolworth, and Emil "Anal" Schaffroth. See you guys never!
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Gird your loins, because Andi will be going on her first one-on-one dates during next week's episode of The Bachelorette! Not only will the two luckiest gents get alone time with Andi, she'll force fourteen lucky members of her harem to strip for her in a group date. So yeah, the episode will be a winner for those of you who are interested in watching half-naked men gyrate. Catch it on Monday, May 26, on ABC!