The Bachelorette is back and better than ever, by which we mean even more criminally insane / populated with victims of scientific experimentation. Andi Dorfman's hotly anticipated premiere was full of the usual deranged antics that this show is famous for, and we've rounded up the sparkliest nuggets of WTF gold from the episode. Also, we'd like to dedicate this list to Chris Harrison who, after hosting this show for the past ten million years, still somehow has the will to live.


1. Bachelor Mansion's Craft Services Tent = The Loneliest Place On Earth

Please form a prayer circle for the tragic security guard who lurks in Bachelor Mansion's Craft Services tent. We assume his job is to ensure that none of the contestants ever actually eat, and it looks like Chris Harrison's reign of terror is weighing on him big time. Did you see how excited he was when he got to hold that bouquet of roses and chat with Chris Bukowski? Probably the first human contact he's had in years, bless his heart.


2. Craig Blows His Champagne Load

Look, we know arriving at Bachelor Mansion is an exciting time full of sexual tension and pent-up erotic feels, but was it really necessary for Craig Muhlbauer to prematurely blow his champagne wad all over the driveway at the mere sight of Andi? It's like, he saw her, he uncorked a bottle of bubbly, and then he was just like "Augh, let me spray this everywhere!" It was the least safe-for-life thing we've ever seen. And we've seen a lot.


3. Tasos and His Mohawk Break Into French

Look, Tasos, if that is in fact your real name, which apparently it is. We know that you're just like this free-spirited grifter wandering around with your fancy earring and your mysterious faux hawk, but you're impressing no one by asking for juice in French. First of all, we only drink wine here in Bachelor Land. Second of all, we only speak in tongues. Third of all, you actually might be impressing Andi, so keep on doing you.


4. JJ De-Pantses Himself

So, JJ O’Brien decided to bring Andi a pair of aggressively patterned pants that he made from scratch, and then forced the poor dear to fondle them. There isn't much else to say about this harrowing event, except a) please lord let those pants have been washed, b) Jesus take the wheel, and c) YOLO, or, as Tasos would doubtless say, YeauxLeaux.


5. Marquel Is the Perfect Man

Straight up: we are in love with Marquel Martin. No, like, we can't adequately express how much we love him. You see, instead of actually engaging Andi in a conversation and announcing that he wants to have a million love children, dude simply sat her down with a plate of cookies, requested that she close her eyes, and then made her inhale all of them while chanting "get in there, get in there." He is the perfect man. C is for cookie, and cookie is for Marquel!