After months of psychological evaluation and experimental brain cell re-growth, Andi Dorfman has finally overcome the PTSD she suffered as a result of dating Juan Pablo Galavis. That's right, frightened victims of Chris Harrison's reign of terror, Andi is The Bachelorette, and she's ready to make out with some total randos in a quest to find true love!
During this week's episode of The Bachelorette, Andi finally got to go on her first dates of the season, and let's just say they were all kinds of Not Safe For Life.... Not only was this poor girl forced to dress up in weird 1940s garb for her date with Chris Soules (we get it, ABC, you're into LARPing), she treated fourteen lucky dudes to a stripper-themed group date. Straight-up, we spent the entire time barely conscious due to an interesting mixture of arousal, nausea, and white wine.
Luckily, Andi's adventurous date with globetrotter Eric Hill was a delight, and we can't wait to tell you about it! No, really thank you guys so much — we've saved countless money in psych-ward bills as a result of writing these therapeutic recaps.
One on One — Did Prince Eric Get the Rose?
It's no secret that we're obsessed with Eric (all our Little Mermaid FanFiction is coming true!), so you can imagine our excitement when Andi whisked him off to fly kites with her at Ventura Beach. Basically, they frolicked, Eric mused about this one time he hung out with a "witch doctor" (we see you, Chris Harrison), and they built a sandcastle. But Chris just couldn't leave these two alone, now could he? Nope, he dragged them in their swimsuits to Big Bear for some snowboarding, and was basically all "here, have some hypothermia to go with your rose, LOL!"
The good news? Eric and Andi totally bonded during their harrowing trip to the snowy wilderness, shared some cozy hot cocoa that was presumably laced with vodka, and then had a completely adorable fireside dinner, in which Andi asked a series of totally normal first date questions, like "tell me about Syria?" and "when do you want to populate my uterus with a bunch of babies!" So, did Eric get the rose? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FOR EVEN ASKING THIS, have you looked at his jaw? Andi was practically begging him to deflower her.
Group Date Rose: Magic Mike
What do you get when you combine suspenders, nudity, and the stench of fear? Andi's group date, a stripper-themed "charity event" (whatever helps you sleep at night, Chris Harrison), in which 14 of her boyfriends were treated to a performance by male strippers, and were then asked to dance in front of a live audience of screaming women. Long story short, everyone was divided into themed-groups for some #CasualGyration, Marcus Grodd had a mild nervous breakdown about his solo performance as a sexy pilot, and Nick Sutter wore a robot costume for all the nerds in the audience. So, yeah. Good times! Oh, and if you're wondering where Chris Harrison was during the event, he could be found lounging on a couch, slapping some poor dude's butt sadistically. Do you, Chris Harrison. Shhhh, just keep doing you.
Naturally, this NSFL (Not Safe For Life, of course) outing was emotionally scarring for all parties involved (including yours truly), but — in the words of R. Kelly — after the show there's the after party, where everyone got to decompress, Bradley sang opera while the camera crew was like "...," and Andi showed off her cleavage in a plunging V-neck. Oh yeah, and Craig Muhlbauer drank all the alcohol in the house. All of it.
But, which lucky stud did Andi give the group date rose to? Marcus of course, who worked through his nerves and willingly humiliated himself on national television, bless his heart.
One on One — Did Chris Get the Rose?
Nothing says romance like watching a bunch of adorable horses prance around while you sip on mint juleps and play dress up! Just ask Andi and Chris, who spent a charming one-on-one date scoping out the race track at the Santa Anita Park while jazzy piano music played in the background. They even got binoculars, which we're sure Chris Harrison will steal and use later on this season during the Fantasy Suites — just saying.
Anyway, Andi and Chris' day at the races was chock full of whimsical fun and awkward conversation — especially when some geriatric couple who Chris Harrison totally hadn't kidnapped wandered up and started musing about their old-person love affair. In the words of Andi herself, stahhhhhp! Of course, the best part of this date was when Andi treated her man to a romantic dinner and a private concert from super-famous, super-bearded Grammy winning band This Wild Life. Not only did the happy couple kiss, Chris nabbed a rose!
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
Can we all agree that Andi's group date was a hot mess (emphasis on "hot")? Thanks to Chris Harrison's charitable urges, Andi's harem were given free reign to drink, flex, wander around without a babysitter, and — most alarmingly — think for themselves. Unfortunately, this led Craig Muhlbauer to spiral completely out of control, and he ended up drunk, naked, and flopping around the swimming pool complaining about the water temperature. He also spent much of the evening crosslegged and chuckling about how hot Josh Murray is, which was cute until his eyes got super serious / crazy and he was like "GRAB A SHOT, BOYS. BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT TO GET REAL." Luckily, Craig didn't end up murdering anyone. Yet.
Who Was Sent Home?
Please bid farewell to the following rejects: Craig Muhlbauer (no surprise there), Nick Sutter, and Carl King. We wish you great success on this crazy un-televised journey us plebeians called "real life."
Quote of the Night
Random stripper coaches Andi's boyfriends: "You're our firefighters. One of the most popular female sexual fantasies."
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Set your DVRs, because Andi's love journey continues next Sunday and Monday, June 1 and June 2 at 8 p.m. ET/PT both nights! The Southern Belle will cozy up to both Nick Viall and JJ O’Brien on one-on-one dates during Sunday's episode, but the only thing that matters is that Boyz II Men will be making an appearance during Andi's group date. And yes — everyone sings "I'll Make Love To You."
But wait, there's more! Monday night will bring us even more romantic one-on-ones (this time with Dylan Petitt and Marcus), as well as a basketball-themed group date, which we're sure will be extremely sexual for all parties involved. See you next week, gang! Oh, and as per usual, someone might have a girlfriend.