So, it's been two weeks, and Andi Dorfman is basically like a lost fledgling duck who has no idea what she's doing. This poor victim was somehow convinced to sign a contract with ABC when she was still under Juan Pablo Galavis's spell, and now she's trapped in a house with 16 sexually frustrated hunks trying to enter her proverbial fantasy suite.
Her job? To figure out which of said hunks is even slightly normal. Our job? To help this delicate flower along the way. With that in mind, we've rounded up the top five contestants from this week's clusterf*** of an episode and ranked them based on ability to form coherent sentences / be Andi's baby daddy!
Name: Josh Murray
Pros: Much like a moth is attracted to a flame that's in the shape of a sexy dude with weird eyebrows, Andi is super attracted to Josh Murray. So much so that she kissed him during cocktail hour despite the fact that all her other boyfriends were like five feet away. What can we say? Andi has a type, and Josh fits the bill. Unfortunately, he still doesn't fit into his own shirts, which are more massive and free-flowing than ever.
Cons: It was kinda weird when Josh broke down into a fit of giggles during his one-on-one conversation with Andi. And by "kind of weird," we mean totally creepy.
Name: Chris Soules
Pros: Andi and Chris Soules seemed to have a good time on their ‘40s-themed horse date, but the sparks really started flying when they were serenaded by that terrifying bearded hipster band and started making out. Lord knows the leftover food particle aromas wafting from those beards would have put anyone in the mood. Plus, Chris is a farmer. The Clueless references write themselves!
Cons: Tragically, Chris and Andi's conversation was somewhat lacking. Look, all we know is that he didn't provide her with an updated report on the crisis in Syria, unlike some of her boyfriends, mmmkay?
Name: Marcus Grodd
Pros: Andi forced Marcus Grodd to dress up as an aviator and strip down to his dog tags (which was a slightly alarming thing to witness on Memorial Day...), and he pulled out all the stops. Andi was clearly smitten by his bulge(ing biceps) and ended up giving him the Group Date Rose, so it looks like this dude is definitely a contender for her heart! And her lady parts.
Cons: We're worried that Andi only wants Marcus for his body. He has beauty and brains, stop objectifying him GEEZE.
Name: Eric Hill
Pros: Eric Hill is one of the only contestants on The Bachelorette who seems to actually possess a) intelligence, and b) a personality, and honestly he'd be higher up on this list if he and Andi had a better connection. Sure, they chatted about war-torn countries (as one is wont to do on first date), and the fact that Eric got the rose is definitely a good sign — but there was something slightly lacking… which brings us to the cons.
Cons: Call us crazy, but Andi had more chemistry with her snowboarding instructor than she did with Eric. All we know is that they didn't kiss on their date, despite the fact that he looks like that. ALARM BELLS.
Name: Marquel Martin
Pros: The hills are alive with the sound of our love for Marquel Martin. We know, we know, he and Andi didn't spend too much quality time together this week, but the moments they did share were full of flirting, LOLs, eye-sexing, and Marquel's amazing socks, which we assume are from the Arthur George by Rob Kardashian Collection.
Cons: No cons to be seen here, move along.