Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette is heating up, by which we mean we've reached the part where Chris Harrison isn't even trying to pretend that this show isn't completely insane. Things he forced Andi's victims to do this week included hanging out in some terrifying prisoner dungeon, taking a casual lie detector test, and being attacked by a rabid flock of pigeons.
Basically, The Bachelorette is morphing into an interrogation center, which we assume is part of Chris Harrison's evil plot to become a military dictator who forces his subjects to wear flowing linen men's shirts. His reign of terror must be stopped, but until then let's continue to enjoy the erotic/spiritual journey that is The Bachelorette, shall we?
This week's episode was particularly amazing, what with Andi's secret admirer being revealed, and we don't know about you but we were just dying to see which one of her suitors could actually write in full sentences. EDGE OF OUR SEATS, guys!
1-on-1 Date With Nick Viall: Did He Get the Rose?
So, Nick Viall has been a total bummer this season what with the weird "issues" he has with Andi dating other people (get over it Nick, GOD). So Andi decided to confront him face-to-face … by dragging him around Venice on a romantic date. Long story short, they trolled some murky canals with a gondolier, made out under the Bridge of Sighs, used words like "apropos" (speak American, Nick!), and made best friends with feral pigeons who gleefully perched atop Nick's head.
Of course, this was all a prelude to Andi showing up to Part Two of the date wearing a mask as she invited Nick to a masquerade hall (not to be confused with a masquerade ball). Unfortunately, in order to get a rose, Nick had to beg forgiveness for questioning the concept of group dating, but fear not! Once he dropped the L-word, Andi pinned a flower to his tux and they skipped off to what we can only assume was some kind of weird Eyes Wide Shut style affair.
Group Date: Liar! Liar!
So many important things happened during Andi's group date. Actually, only one important thing happened: Andi herded her flock of suitors into a medieval interrogation chamber and hooked them up to lie detectors. So, a totally normal thing to do on a date, don't even try to question it.
Shockingly, most of Andi's boyfriends are compulsive liars, and thanks to their tests (which took place in a lair full of weapons) we learned that 1) Josh Murray is here for the right reasons 2) JJ O’Brien is good in bed, and 3) Dylan Petitt doesn't wash his hands after he pees.
Speaking of Dylan "Delicate Flower" Petitt, this dude suffered a breakdown during his interrogation. Yep, after admitting that he had slept with over 20 women (how are we not one of the chosen ones?!), Dylan freaked out because he wasn't feeling well. It's like, Andi, need we remind you that Dylan is an emotionally-damaged super-stud who needs to be treated with the utmost care?
In other news, Marcus said "I love you" and we finally found out that Chris Soules has been writing Andi those mysterious love notes. We know, right? So adorable/nerdy/ not-salty, and you better believe it earned him the group date rose.
1-on-1 With Cody Sattler: Did He Get The Rose?
To be honest, we've been too distracted by the size of Cody Sattler's neck to really give him much consideration as a potential mate for Andi. But this week, Cody broke out his romantic side in Verona, aka the location of Romeo and Juliet (as well as the far superior Romeo + Juliet).
So yeah, essentially Andi and Cody were asked to reenact a love story in which both characters kill themselves. Unfortunately, Andi and Cody just didn't have as much chemistry as their prepubescent alter-egos, and despite a few attempts at getting steamy (like writing tragic letters to random scorned lovers), Andi just wasn't feeling it. Especially after Cody showed up to their date wearing a deep V-neck before begging her to love him.
You guessed it friends — the poor dude was sent packing. Who knows what went wrong, but we're thinking Andi's decision had something to do with, you know, the fact that she and Cody had almost no sexual chemistry to speak of. And the fact that he brought himself to tears with his own inspirational musings.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
We don't know if it's the paisley pants poisoning his brain or the fact that he might actually have been poisoned by too much wine, but JJ was super emo this week. Like, we expected him to morph into Conor Oberst at any moment. You see, apparently this dude was not on board with Andi's boyfriends playing nice, and threw a fit when everyone congratulated Chris Soules on getting the group date rose. Basically, he was like "I don't want to be besties, but look at my pants!" and Chris was like "talk to the hand, sour grapes." And if you're wondering who won this fight, go ahead and head to the "Who Was Sent Home" section.
Who Was Sent Home?
Say buh-bye to JJ and his pants of doom. His departure from Andi's love nest was slightly surprising — he did get last week's group date rose, after all — but Andi straight up rejected JJ despite his burning love for her. It’s a lot like we reject all food that's labeled "fat free."
Quote of the Night
Cody tries to win Andi's heart with: "Imma be pullin' all the tricks out of the hat, HA HA HA HA HA."
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Gird your loins because Andi and her male entourage are heading to Brussels, Belgium in next week's all-new episode of The Bachelorette, airing Monday, June 30. Girlfriend only has six contestants left in the race to win her heart!
First, she'll go on 1-on-1 dates with both Josh Murray and Marcus Grodd. Then, Andi will enjoy a group date with Dylan, Nick, Brian, and Chris! Let's not forget that the week after next is Hometown Dates, which means that Andi will be eliminating two of her six lovers on Monday. In other words, it's going to be a totally unmissable episode. See you there, heroic survivors of Bachelor Nation!