It's been almost 24 hours since last night's episode of The Bachelorette, and we've finally regained the will to live after experiencing what can only be described as pure, unadulterated insanity. You've done it again, Chris Harrison, you beautiful genius, you!
Each and every moment of the episode was worthy of our WTF roundup, but we've found the biggest pearl-clutchers for your masochistic enjoyment. Also, we'd like to take a second to issue a public apology to the citizens of Italy, not to mention an apology to the Ghost of William Shakespeare, whose classic play, Romeo and Juliet, has been ruined for future generations.
1. Nick Is Attacked By a Fleet of Birds
Remember in Home Alone 2 when Kevin McCallister made friends with that crazy bird lady? Well, Nick Viall must have been channeling that character, because feral street pigeons flock to him like we flock to our Chris Harrison shrine. We found out about Nick's "special" relationship with his bird friends during a trip to Saint Mark's Square in Venice with Andi Dorfman, when a pigeon perched atop Nick's head and presumably pooped all over his curly hair. And yes, Nick got the rose — despite the fact that he spent much of his date covered in feces.
2. Andi Forces Her Men Into a Medieval Torture Chamber
It was bad enough that Andi's victims were hooked up to a lie detector and asked if they "f—ed in public" (note: every single one of them answered "yes"), but let's talk about the location of this interrogation: a torture chamber filled with medieval weapons. It's like, look Chris Harrison, we're used to your thinly veiled threats, but this has gone too far. Thankfully, most of Andi's suitors told the truth — we can't even imagine the suffering they would have endured had they lied about that "f—ing in public" question.
3. Nick and Cody Get Steamy
You know what's really fun? Spending your downtime chilling naked in a steam room with your arch enemy. Just ask Nick Viall and Cody Sattler, who inexplicably hung out on opposite sides of the same sauna in complete silence while almost totally nude. Just them, some steam, and some weirded-out cameramen. Good times! Lord knows how long these two were steaming in their mutual hatred, but we assume it was hours if not weeks. In fact, they might still be in there.
4. Dylan Admits to Sleeping With 20 People, Promptly Leaves
We're so worried about Dylan Petitt. The delicate lamb suffered an emotional breakdown during his interrogation and had to leave — presumably because he revealed several highly questionable nuggets of information about himself. Basically Dylan was like "la la la, I don't wash my hands after I pee and I've slept with over 20 women, k bye!" and then peaced out of the group date because his "head hurt." Let's just hope that lie detector was fully disinfected upon his departure. And that someone sprayed Andi down with Purell.
5. Cody — Everything About Cody
It's physically painful for us to talk about Cody and Andi's date. Every time we try, we just end up sobbing on our keyboard and wanting to chop our fingers off so they aren't able to type. But we just drank an entire vat of Envolve by Ben Flajnik, and we're finally ready to discuss the fact that Cody wore a V-neck formal shirt during his Romeo and Juliet-themed date with Andi. And the fact that he uttered this sentence: "I feel good between us." Long story short, it was horrible and terrible and awful. Andi literally looked like she'd willingly drink the poison that Juliet used to kill herself, and we were right there with her. WTF overload.