After hours of intensive pizza therapy and pearl-clutching, we're finally ready to move on from the reign of terror that Cody Sattler's formal V-neck inflicted on our lives. Which means we can get back to doing what we do best: ranking Andi Dorfman 's remaining contestants on The Bachelorette based on their chance of winning Andi's heart and filling her womb with babies.
This Southern belle just narrowed down her harem of hombres to six lucky dudes, and it's time to figure out who has best chance of making it to Hometown Dates. Honestly, we wouldn't let any of these gentlemen near our parents for fear that they'd end up having bro-induced cardiac arrest, but we'll work with what we have.
Name: Nick Viall
Pros: Nick and Andi had an amazing time frolicking around Venice (so sorry about that, local people), and Nick definitely won points when he dropped the L-word. And good news, people who like Nick (anyone? anyone?), it looks like Andi has finally forgiven her man for being "salty" on group dates.
Cons: Nick made proverbial love to an entire flock of pigeons during his date with Andi. Also, everyone else in the house hates him. Double also, everyone outside of the house hates him. That being said, Nick won major points when he willingly donned a jaunty mask and partook in a masquerade ball. OMG new theory: Nick is Gossip Girl!
Name: Cody Sattler (LOL, just kidding, Chris Soules)
Pros: So much prose, so little time. First of all, Chris has been writing Andi love notes for the past three weeks, which is totally adorable. But more importantly, it proves that he can read and write, which means Andi's future children have a fighting chance to do something with their lives over than star on a reality show. Plus, Chris seems like a genuinely sweet guy who's — to quote Soulja Boy — on the show for the "right reasons."
Cons: Despite the fact that Chris is a total catch, we're not sure that he and Andi have that much chemistry. Like, we're pretty sure we have a more passionate relationship with this pack of Doritos [holds up Doritos] than Chris has with Andi.
Name: Marcus Grodd
Pros: Much like everyone else, Marcus is in love with Andi. That's pretty much all we have to say about him, because we're so distracted by the cons.
Cons: We're seriously concerned about Marcus's chest hair. Have you looked at it lately? It's taking over his body, and it's only a matter of time before these tufts of fur crawl up his neck and take up residence on his face. What has Europe done to you, friend? GET IT TOGETHER.
Name: Dylan Petitt
Pros: Dylan has had sex with over 20 women.
Cons: Dylan has had sex with over 20 women. Also, he doesn't wash his hands after he pees. And also, he left Andi's group date because he was "sick." Umm, unacceptable Dylan. People on this show have literally thrown themselves off buildings and willingly gotten frostbite for love. Unless you're about to keel over and die, you do not have permission to leave.
Name: Josh Murray
Pros: Andi and Josh definitely have the most sexual chemistry on the show (we know, we don't get it either), and we have a feeling they'll get over the hump and do the humpty hump. But let's talk cons, because there are so many.
Cons: We're concerned that Josh is a too humorless for Andi, because — uhm — he's completely unfunny. Josh's emotional reaction to the lie detector test had us side-eyeing the television, and now Andi is questioning her feels for him (much like we're questioning his decision to wear a lime green shirt). Do you think Josh should lighten up, or do you understand where he's coming from? Obviously, this is a rhetorical question because he's being totally SALTY, but feel free to weigh in below.