The hills of Belgium are alive with the sound of music/the soft, gentle sobs of Chris Harrison. Yes, Bachelor Nation, after weeks of psychological torment, near-death experiences, and grueling menage-a-vingts, Andi Dorfman still hasn't found a husband on The Bachelorette, but she has finally narrowed down her pool of lovable-yet-remedial contestants to a mere half dozen. This means that she only has six boyfriends left (that's right, we can do math), all of whom she took on a trip to Brussels for yet another week of public humiliation and romance.
The good news? Belgian waffles were featured in this episode. The bad news? Marcus Grodd ate them, and the combination of maple syrup + that dude's free-flowing chest hair will definitely be haunting us — along with Josh Murray's reign of sartorial scarf terror. The sports enthusiast also scored a his second 1-on-1 with Andi this week, but it paled in comparison to the spiritual journey that was her group date to a local monastery. We just can't even right now. Like, we might be enlightened as a result of watching this episode.
1-on-1 Date With Marcus Grodd: Who Cockblocked the Date?
Everything you need to know about this date can be summed up in one word: waffles. WAFFLES FOR EVERYONE! Honestly, we don't know why Andi bothers making out with her boyfriends when she can just get frisky with a big pile of carbs and syrup, but for whatever reason she was super attracted to Marcus during their stroll around Brussels.
These lovebirds had a fabulous time gazing into each others eyes, immersing themselves in local culture (while said locals totally judged them) and musing about love. And speaking of love, Marcus is in love with Andi —we know this because he literally wouldn't shut up about it — and they spent a lot of time making out while Chris Harrison's fleet of indentured servants (re: cameramen) filmed them. But guys, things are about to get real. In a shocking twist, Marcus opened up about the history of physical abuse in his family, which is both horrible and extremely awkward considering that Andi might have to meet these folks during hometowns.
Anyway, Andi definitely has feels for Marcus, but apparently he wasn't enough to satiate her insatiable appetite for saliva, and she ended up frenching (more like Belgium-ing, get it?) Nick Viall all over the streets of Brussels later that night. Whatever, there's nothing wrong with kissing two guys in one day, mmmk? Just ask new wave feminist Harrison. He's basically The Bachelorette's answer to Simone De Beauvoir.
1-on-1 Date With Josh Murray: Did He Say "I Love You"?
Andi took Josh to a goose parade on their date. What's a goose parade, you might ask? Just a parade of geese, wandering through the streets being like "QUACK QUACK QUACK don't mind us, just waddling around!"
This date was obviously the best thing that's ever happened on The Bachelorette, and it made the rest of Andi and Josh's date slightly more bearable. Long story short, they wandered into a Cathedral without immediately bursting into flames, lit a few candles, danced to the dulcet tones of super famous country band American Young (anyone? guys?), and chatted about how Josh doesn't like his girlfriend dating other people.
And for those of you wondering why Josh hasn't dropped the L-word on Andi, fear not. Despite being guarded with his emotions during the beginning of the date, this guy finally got his head in the game and declared his love. About time, Josh, it's been an entire seven weeks.
Group Date: Who Got the Only Date Rose?
So many important things happened during Andi's group date. First of all, she took Brian Osborne, Dylan Petitt, Chris Soules, and Nick to some ruins, which is clearly a metaphor for Chris Harrison's crushed spirit. Second of all, the date took place at a monastery, which means that ABC somehow cajoled a bunch of innocent monks who don't even watch television to let them film in their house of worship. Obviously, Andi and her men weren't allowed to make out in front of the monks ('cause GOD was watching), which was, like, really hard.
Luckily, Andi's men were able to bridle their passions, and Brian ended up being so inspired that he declared his feelings. But even better? Chris swept Andi away to a mysterious pottery room, where they metaphorically made love with some disgusting, wet, lumpy clay. It was kind of like that scene in Ghost, only not romantic at all, and slightly awkward because The Man Upstairs had a bird's eye view.
So, who got Andi's group date rose? That would be Nick, who was rewarded by going on a romantic date with Andi, in which they made out while their dinner got cold ("dinner" = wine).
P.S. Contrary to popular belief, the monastery featured in tonight's episode was not full of people worshipping The Religion of Christ Harrison. Unfortunately.
Most Dramatic Moment of the Episode
Everyone really hates Nick. It's just a fact. Andi's other boyfriends think he is a "douchebag" who's here for the opposite of the right reasons (aka the wrong reasons) and they were none too happy when he scored Andi's group date rose. Basically, these bros drank wine and yelled at Nick for being a calculating Bachelorette fan-girl, while he pouted and wore a flimsy scarf. If a body expert analyzed him, we're thinking their diagnosis would definitely be "He Has No Effs To Give."
Quote of the Night
Andi gets pumped about the little things: "I'm just excited to smile and talk about Milwaukee!"
Who Was Sent Home?
Please take a moment to bid farewell to Brian and Dylan, who were de-flowered by Andi during this week's Rose Ceremony. How could you do that to Dylan, Andi? We know he doesn't wash his hands after he pees and has slept with more than 20 ladies, but look at his greasy middle-parted hair! He’s a ‘90s throwback gem! We'll never get over this.
Next Week on The Bachelorette
Hometown dates are finally upon us, a magical time wherein Andi tours the birthplaces of her four remaining boyfriends and meets their parents. If it sounds awkward, it's because it totally is. Our bodies are ready, so tune in next Monday to watch Andi troll around with Josh, Nick, Chris and Marcus on their home turf!