Credit: ABC/Javier Pesquera

Please surround yourself with a bed of roses, and prepare to flop around them in a fit of sextasy (sexy ecstasy, natch) because The Bachelorette's season finale is finally upon us. We've lost approximately twenty years of our lives while watching the glorified mating ritual that is Andi Dorfman's season, but the time has come for her to decide between finalists Josh Murray and Nick Viall. Both of whom are basically shells of their former selves thanks to months of near death experiences, grueling psychological experimentations, and several dates in torture chambers.

Our entire lives have been leading up to this moment, and despite the fact that Andi didn't end up picking Chris Harrison as the lucky man who gets to plant fruit in her looms (WHY ANDI, WHY?) she did end up with one of her finalists. So, which lucky man won Andi's final rose? Keep reading, sweet tender soul.



Meet The Parents

Andi spent most of this episode staring vacantly into "the beyond," drowning in a puddle of tears, and smiling at nothing in particular and it was EXTREMELY WORRYING. So worrying that we wanted to write this entire recap in shouty-caps, and it's taking all our energy to use regular-sized letters right now. You see, despite being given three entire months to decide who she wants to spend the rest of her life with, Andi fell in love with both Chris and Josh. Luckily, ABC flew her poor, traumatized parents in for a meet-n-greet with both dudes, and it went amazingly.

LOL, kidding, it was totally awkward. Not only did Nick give Andi's dad a giant bottle of booze, he wore a deep-v shirt, and had to stare at another man's thigh for hours. Meanwhile, Josh had everyone shading him because sports. Dude's athletic buzz was definitely harshed by Andi's fam, but luckily our buzz is still going strong.


The Final Dates

Credit: ABC video still

To quote Andi Dorfman herself, "my brain thinks." This girl has so many feelings and emotions (all of which were exploding out of her eyeballs), but she made the brave decision to make out with both Josh and Nick for one last time during their final 1-on-1 dates.

First, Andi and Josh were shoved in a sailboat and left to wander around the ocean so they could make eye-love next to some cameramen. These two had all kinds of deep and meaningful conversations about sports and feelings (and sporty-feelings), and Josh even gifted Andi her very own baseball card! Then, Chris Harrison made Andi and Nick go off-roading to some creepy swamp, where they were left to drown / makeout. Nick also felt the need to give Andi a present, and thankfully it wasn't more of his illustrated erotic fan-fiction. But it was a vial filled with some old weird dirt from the hallowed ground where he first said "I love you." More like a NICK VIALL, right guys?

Anyway, after Andi's double date, Josh paid a visit to ABC's indentured servant / ring-hoarder, Neil Lane (totally the Gollum of this show, BTW), who let him pick out the perfect engagement ring. But did this eager brosef put a diamond stunner on Andi's finger? Read on, brave ones.


The Proposal

The time has come for Andi to cover herself with an oily film of spray tan, change into a Grecian gown, and sob uncontrollably while standing on an altar covered in decorative palm fronds. Here's what went down: First, Andi stared off into the distance for about 500 years (that's an estimate), then she uttered the musing "I have to do the hard thing," and then she paid Nick a visit at his bungalow of broken dreams and rejected him. This girl deflowered Nick in the most tender-hearted way ever, failing to remind him that throughout their entire relationship she'd been not-so-secretly making out with this other dude name Josh. At this point, Nick entered an angry stupor and packed his bags, leaving Andi to say "I do" to wearer-of-blousey-shirts, Josh McBaseball Murray.

Josh popped the question to Andi at a tropical alter (as ya do), and naturally she said yes, yes a thousand times yes! Actually she said "Josh ah luhv yew" before giving him the final rose and wandering with her man into the great unknown. Their destination? Atlanta, probably, considering both of them live there and they could totally have met on OKCupid.


Next Time On The Bachelor...

Sorry, did you think this franchise was over? HAHAHAHAHA. It will never be over, and the next installment of WTF goodness goes down in just a few weeks! Yep, prepare your body for Bachelor In Paradise, coming to a DVR near you on August 4th!