ABC has yet to announce it's next Bachelor, and we have our eye on current Bachelor Pad 3 contestant and Bachelorette alum, Ed Swiderski. Why? Because his personal slogan is "you're Ed to me." OMG, we're all Ed to you, Ed! Everyone is Ed!
Here are 5 reasons our omniscient friend deserves to be the next Bachelor — aside from obvious things like "he's a beautiful human being" and "he's the 7th wonder of the ancient world."
1. He's a Stallion That Needs To Be Tamed
In case you hadn't noticed, you're completely and totally in love with Ed. You don't know whether it's the animal noises he makes during sex, or the fact that he spent five minutes of screen time writhing around in fudge, but you love him. Join the club.
Ed is a total ladies man, and it's time for him to settle down with someone who preferably reeks of pickled vegetables. It'll take a certain type of bachelorette to bridle Ed, but we're certain Chris Harrison can round up a few backwoods babes to do the job. Note: Must be open to threesomes.
2. Pass The Pickle
Ed's rein of adorable terror on Bachelor Pad 3 has left us partially blind and in need of therapy, but we've also learned several important life lessons. Ed refers to his danger zone as a "pickle" and he wants to know "what we're gonna do with it." Obviously, this is a rhetorical question, because the only thing to do with a pickle is slice it up, slap it on a hamburger and binge eat.
However, we have a feeling Ed's pickle is a feast that can be enjoyed in many variations by future bachelorettes the world over. Ok, moving on because we're starting to feel nauseous.
3. He's Had Bad Luck With The Ladies
Ed fell in love with Jillian Harris during her season of The Bachelorette, and they even got engaged. As we know, most celebrity engagements last about as long as it takes Chris Harrison to spray himself with tanner (5 seconds), and the whole thing was over before it started.
We'd love to see Ed settle down with a nice girl who he has a real connection to him, and who he'd be happy to spend an entire lifetime with.
4. He's An Entrepreneur
We like our Bachelors filthy rich, and Ed is a business man. He's also a business, man. Get it? Exactly. Ed used to work as a higher up for Microsoft until he left to start his very own company, Kambio Group. Now he's swimming in hundies. How else could this magnanimous dude afford to take weeks off of work and star on Bachelor Pad?
5. He's Hilarious...Especially While Drunk
Ed has spent most of this season in various states of drunkenness. There was the time he parted Donna's legs and yelled "YES, YOU GOT IT!" into her crotch, the time he flopped around in whipped cream like a beached whale, the time he deep throated a hot dog, and — most recently — the time he had an entire conversation with an oven mitt, only to light it on fire. Basically, we need him in our lives and if ABC doesn't hire him we might drown ourselves in pickles.