The Bachelorette is the gift that keeps on giving. This week's episode was basically like the reality-TV version of a spa treatment — our skin is glowing and our body has been chemically peeled. Of course, “The Men Tell All” special is its own unique brand of crazy, so we've rounded up the most WTF moments of the episode. Which, by the way, was longer than Jessica Simpson's pregnancy.
1. The Wolf Shows Up In Pink Pants For No Reason
Our theory? He was trying to distract Vampire Hunter Alessandro from leaping off stage and murdering Chris Harrison. Think about it: Chris never appears in the sun and only crawls out of his bat cave for evening rose ceremonies. It's all coming together.
2. Emily Spills Wine All Over Herself
As we all know, Emily is addicted to boxed white wine. It's pretty much the only thing we saw pass through her mouth during this season of The Bachelorette (other than Arie's saliva). Unfortunately, Emily's glass of white wine rebelled against her and tried to commit suicide all over her dress, causing Emily to utter the sentence "f*ck, y'all."
3. Emily And Travis Sing “Twinkle, Twinkle” to a Giant Egg Named Shelley
Well, we have officially lost our hearing thanks to Travis and Emily singing their ostrich egg to sleep. We have so many questions, like a) What institution did Travis escape from and is he dangerous? b) Why did Travis tuck Shelley into bed only to murder her days later? c) Where is Shelley's Ostrich mom?
4. Michael Lance Still Has Long Hair, Doesn't Say a Word
Did anyone notice that poor Michael was silent like the grave during the entire “Men Tell All” special? We have a theory (so many theories today, by the way): There is no need for Michael to speak, because his hair holds all the answers to our questions. And don't even get us started on those lashes. Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.
5. The Ladies Love Ryan
Last time we checked, Ryan was one of the designated villains on the show, but the ladies in Chris Harrison's audience (bachelorette rejects, we assume) couldn't get enough of him. They were cheering him on like true fan girls, and we can only assume it's due to of the deep-V facial hair and mysteriously-tanned skin tone.
6. Emily Is A Super Freak, Super Freak, She's Super Freaky
So, turns out Emily isn't as demure and charming as she appears on camera. Not only does she curse like a sailor, she's a cat lady who spends her free time videotaping kittens. Basically, she's one YouTube channel away from being a Dungeons and Dragons gamer. Also, Emily has a thing for tattooed homeless men, to which we say: Who doesn't?
7. All The Commercials For Glass House
What. Is. Happening?