Welcome to the most romantic night of your life, in which you shall curl up on your couch with a giant vat of white wine, a bedazzled veil from Party City, and some classy finger food (pigs in a blanket, duh). Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum's two hour Bachelorette wedding special is upon us, and let's give a round of applause to the ABC interns who have been piecing this thing together for the past two weeks.
It's a Christmas miracle everyone, and Chris Harrison is Santa Claus! He's got Ho-Ho-Hos in different area codes.
Goin' to the Chapel Of Love
Preparing for a wedding is super hard. There's just so much to get done! You know, stuff like going to the middle of a field to practice making out, fondling a mysterious Ewok named Boo, crying in various locations around Los Angeles, and apple picking in cozy sweaters.
But seriously, Ashley and J.P. have a lot of planning to do. Like, should they make their guests take home sacks of dirt as a gift? (Answer: obviously). Should they take an impromptu picnic in the park while wearing distressed denim? And most importantly, should J.P. wear a full white James Bond-style tuxedo to the wedding? Yes, yes a thousand times yes!
Sigh whatever, there are more important things to talk about than J.P.'s fashionable tux and matching yamaka. Like Boo. Boo, you guys. Boo is feeling a lot of feelings right now because Ashley and J.P. are forcing him to wear a dress to the wedding. Also, Boo might be a girl, but in our mind he is a boy, so just go with it.
But Boo's sexual identity is nothing compared to Ashley and J.P's bachelor/ette parties, in which they fly down to Arizona with all their besties and Ashley proceeds to frolic on a stripper pole while J.P races "high performance vehicles" — which we think might be code for "cars." Also, Ashley embraces J.P.'s apparent foot fetish and gets his face manicured on her toenails. Apparently, love makes people do crazy and creepy things.
It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding
Please stop crying into your wine glass and pay attention: Chris Harrison is among us, and he is a man of God. No, seriously, The Man Upstairs has blessed Chris with the power to make Ashley and J.P. hubby and wife, so we're pretty sure that makes him an angel. But like, a weird sinister one, who grills J.P. and Ashley on whether or not they really love each other right before the wedding. To quote, "There's issues, what are they?"
OMG BREAK TIME: Chris Harrison is interviewing The Ghosts of Bachelorettes Past, and we need to check in on everyone immediately. Mostly to make sure these wayward grifters didn't end up living homeless in the hills behind Bachelor Mansion. Here's what we've learned: 1) Molly Mesnick is pregnant and adorable. Guys, she is glowing even brighter than Emily Maynard's teeth — and speaking of Emily, 2) Girl seems like she's finally ready to find love for the fourth time, and 3) Sean may or may not be engaged to one of the 25 "quality" women he met on The Bachelor.
Now, back to the wedding. Ashley spends her pre-nuptials morning brunching on finger food , getting her hair did, and opening surprise charm bracelets from J.P. And guys? She's an absolute vision. Her vows had us crying all over our cubic zirconia faux Neil Lane ring, and Chris Harrison's impassioned officiating was truly inspirational. Like, are we also married? Who knows, we just might be. Chris has so much power.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, Ashley and J.P. tied their hands together with a lovely piece of lace. Something to do with Celtics from ye olden times.
Party Like It's 1999
Pop open a bottle of bubbly and get ready to celebrate good times, c'mon! Ashley and J.P. are officially man and wife, which means a whopping three Bachelor/ette couples have made it down the aisle. Sob, dreams do come true guys! Rose petals for everyone!
Now that the nuptials are over and Ashley has removed her 40 pound bridal train, the fun can really start. And when we say "fun," we mean vaguely drunken dancing, binge eating, and non-stop Bachelor Nation reunions. Is that Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez flirting that we spy with our little eye? Yes it is, and it's glorious!
See you at the next wedding, mon amours — and don't forget to tune into Sean Lowe's season of The Bachelor! Who knows, maybe he'll be walking down the aisle in 2013!
By the way, Ashley and J.P. called each other "babe" so many times during the past two hours that we seriously yelled "that'll do pig" at our televisions.