Have you finally recovered from last week's episode of Bachelor Pad? Neither have we, which is why we're writing this while surrounded by empty Slim Jim wrappers and cutouts of Chris Bukowski's face.
Well, the time has come to pop open a wine cooler and prepare your body, because this week's challenge is ice cream sundae themed. Yep, everyone is covered in fudge, and all we want to do is lick them. Are you happy, Chris Harrison? Are you happy?
Also, we gained five pounds watching this episode.
Hot Sludge Funday
Chris Harrison might seem like an innocent curly-haired angel, but this dude has a secret whipped cream fetish and he wants nothing more than to see his bachelor/ettes half naked and flopping around in fudge. Without further ado, we present Hot Sludge Funday, a challenge wherein the ladies and gents tackle an obstacle course, complete with a "pool of ice cream" and "field of whip cream." Excuse us while we pass out into a puddle of drool.
Obviously, these ladies haven't seen ice cream since the ‘90s, and their pure excitement at the possibility of accidentally eating some carbs causes them to complete the course in record time. The winner? None other than our girl Jamie, who eats her way through that whipped cream like a pro, and hops all the way to Ed in a peanut sack. Looks like these two have it in the bag — but wait! Ed totally sucks at scaling hot fudge walls (had the wall been made of pickles, it'd be a different story), and David gobbles up his maraschino cherry first! That's right, Davy Crockett and Rachel are the winners, and we're going to celebrate by pouring rainbow sprinkles down our throats.
Also, the competition ends with Reid hosing whipped cream off all the ladies. One can only assume that he was singing "The Thong Song" in his head the whole time.
Wax On, Wax Off
Time for Rachel's three-on-one date at Madame Tussaud's — a religious evening of spiritual awakening, wherein she, Tony, The Stag, and Nick join hands and pray to Chris Harrison's wax figure. Only — psych! It's actually real Chris Harrison (what a prankster)! Turns out Chris wants the fab four to paint their faces with bronzer and stand still for upwards of ten minutes while nerdy fans stare at them, and poor Tony has to suffer the humiliation of a plebeian peasant calling him pathetic.
After pranking with Chris Harrison (sigh, the things they do to make him happy), Rachel spends some quality time with her three amigos, but ends up giving Michael the rose so they can make out by a wax figure of Robert Redford. In The Stag's lyrical words, "it's a beautiful thing."
Break out your most bedazzled dress, ladies — it's prom night (aka the night all your friends cashed in their v-card)! David decides to take Jamie, Erica, and Blakeley on his one-on-one date, and uh oh, guys. Need we remind you of the fact that Jamie and Blakeley are bitter enemies? Jamie better guard her lady parts from unexpected hot wax bombs, that's all we're saying.
After the ladies get ready (yes, Erica is wearing a tiara), they meet David in an abandoned gym filled with balloons and bump ‘n' grind to the dulcet tones of some random band ABC found on MySpace. David gets a chance to talk to each of his high school sweethearts, but ultimately it's Jamie who gets the rose thanks to an ugly crying session about her tragic childhood. Well played, girl.
Back at The Pad
We know you are currently in the fetal position, but the time has come to hit up The Pad and check in on the poor souls who haven't been let out of their cages. These guys and dolls spend the better part of their evening throwing limes at each other (Chris won't let them play with real toys), and before we know it, The Stag breaks out his acoustic guitar and all hell breaks loose.
First, Ed and Jaclyn hook up while he makes his usual sex noises ("uh uh uh, what are you gonna do with it"), and then Chris makes the mistake of giving Jamie the "it's not you, it's me" treatment when she shows up by his bunk bed with a vat of white wine. Sadly, this causes her to indulge in even more ugly crying — this time because she has no one to "spend the holidays with." As usual, we're worried. Someone send this gal a Christmakkuh card.
Meanwhile, Sarah rats on Reid and tells Ed about the conspiracy against him, which causes Ed to spiral into a tunnel of ennui. After thinking about his feelings for a while, Ed goes on a mission to take Ried down with his flying pickle, and alliances are forming all over the place. The house is divided into underdogs who want to vote off Blakely and Ed, power players who want to vote off Ried and Donna, and a few randoms that couldn't give less of a fudge. By the way, we have fudge on the brain.
Ultimately, Donna and her Double Ds get deflowered by the men, and the ladies band together to support Ed, taking Reid down to Chinatown in the process. So long, lovah!