Did you enjoy this week's cornucopia of mouth-watering hotties on Bachelor Pad 3? Join the club — but now comes the hard part. It's time to figure out which dudes and dudettes are at the front of the whack pack! We've ranked the most powerful players from Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 5 based on their sex appeal, chance of winning, and variable degrees of drunkenness. Check it out!
Name: Jaclyn Swartz
Pros: Jaclyn used her charming temptress-y ways to convince Tony to plant his seed in her and birth a flower (you're welcome for that beautiful image), and it doesn't look like she's going home anytime soon. In other news, we think Jaclyn is immune to Chris Harrison's special concoction of jungle juice, because she's the only person on The Pad that isn't 50 shades of drunk and sloppy.
Cons: Ed pickled Jaclyn's lady juices, and has now left her high and dry. We're not sure that their partnership will survive his betrayal, but we are sure that we want to see them deep throat another foot-long hot dog.
Name: Chris Bukowski
Pros: Despite the fact that everyone on The Pad is plotting his demise, Chris managed to manipulate his way into another week in Chris Harrison's dungeon. We credit his mysterious hoodie. The minute he puts that thing on, he becomes irresistible. We can't even tell you how much lipstick we've had to wipe off our TV screens.
Cons: Chris managed to secure his safety this week, but we're worried about his chances of winning. Everyone on The Pad wants him gone with the exception of Ed, and that's only because they share a bond. The bond of aiding and abetting in the murder of an innocent wine glass.
Name: Kalon McMahon
Pros: Who knew Kalon would turn out to be the most romantic super-hunk on Bachelor Pad! Yes, he's still glossing his lips — but we're willing to overlook his metrosexual tendencies. Kalon is America's Sweetheart, and his veins are pumping with love. Wait.. what were we talking about again? Oh right, we think he has a pretty good chance of winning.
Cons: Kalon has made it clear that he's willing to cheat and lie his way to the finish line, and we're a little worried that his frenemies will start voting him off. Dazzle them with your smize, Kalon! Dazzle them!
Name: Tony Pieper
Pros: Our little Pied Piper has come so far. Who knows if it's the triple layered man tanks, or the years spent chucking wood with his beaver friends, but Tony has his eye on the prize. The prize being what lies beneath Blakeley's bikini.
Cons: It's only a matter of time before Tony has an emotional breakdown against a brick wall and runs back home to his kiddo — who we're starting to think is imaginary, by the way. Pics or it didn't happen, TP!
Name: Blakeley Jones
Pros: Vengeance is sweet, y'all, and Blakeley has made it her mission to take Chris Bukowski down one ill advised airstream hookup at a time. Turns out, being a Hooters waitress is the best thing you can do with your life. That's all we're saying.
Cons: That laugh. Then again, we're pretty sure it deafened her fellow contestants, so maybe it's both a curse and a blessing.