Credit: ABC/TODD WAWRYCHUK Photo: Ed Swiderski Jumps in the Pool in Bachelor Pad Season 3, Episode 1

Ladies, strap on a celebratory thong bikini and bust out some Jungle Juice. Bachelor Pad 3 is upon us. America's favorite starlets from Bachelor and Bachelorette are coming together under one roof for the chance to find love and win 250K, and this time they're being joined by a handful of mere mortals.

Things that happen this week: Blakeley talks about "p***y waxing," Ed's tightie whities become dangerously see-though, and Kalon penetrates us with his crazy eyes. In a word: Beautiful.

Welcome Back!

It's time to meet this year's contestants, a formative crew of WTF starlets who want nothing more than to feel each other up in hot tub time machines. You probably remember Chris Bukowski from Emily Maynard's man hive, and good news — he still spends his time wandering around shirtless. Chris couldn't be more excited about BP3, and he's especially interested in Lindzi Cox, aka that horse lady (modern day centaur) who Ben Flajnik rejected for Courtney Robertson.

Then there's Reid The Realtor (who we know is nutso due to the time he broke into Jillian's man harem for a spontaneous proposal) and his ultimate nemesis, Ed — otherwise known as The Bachelorette's resident ladies' man. Nowadays, Ed spends his days lounging on roof decks, and we estimate that he'll make out with every single girl on the show. Especially Blakeley "All I Do Is Wax P*ssies" Shea, the sexy vixen who everyone hates — especially her fellow Bachelor contestant, Jaclyn.

Now we have to talk about Kalon, because you guys. He is shirtless and smiling at his own reflection, and it is so terrifying-yet-beautiful. Also he wants to "ruin our f*cking summer," which sounds pretty promising. We have so many feelings all over our body!

Finally, give a warm welcome to super-fans, Paige The Pure, SWAT Officer Chris (we're so scared...), Donna The Attention Whore, Ryan The Cage Fighter, and Britney and Erica The Twins! Ahhhh, Shining flashbacks!

Cock and Tail Hour

Cocktail hour is our favorite time on Bachelor Pad, mostly because the contestants who aren't cool enough to get real introductions show up in order to binge drink white wine and strut their sexy stuff. Say hello to Nick and his soul patch, Rachel and her bangs, Jamie and her luscious lips, Sarah and her (eh, whatever), Ryan The Virgin, Tony The Lumberjack, The Stag, and of course our queen, Erica Rose — who crawls out of her limo wearing some kind of leather bondage outfit.

It only takes one round of drinks before the claws come out, and at this point we're starting to think all these sequins double as protective body armor. Too bad Erica's leather "dress" doesn't protect her from Kalon's American Psycho eyes, because they get into a heated argument about body issues, femininity, and girl power. Basically, it's Feminist Gender Studies 101 all over again.

Luckily, the super fans arrive to break the tension, and (just as Jaclyn predicts) all they want to do is huff Ed's boxers. Also, we are seriously creeped out by The Twins — are they going to come out of the TV and body-slam us, because we aren't emotionally ready for that.

As you can tell, the Bachelor Pad is already a giant hot mess, but once ABC releases the first round of shots, things get more WTF than we could ever hope for. Especially when Ed strips off his clothes in a drunken fit of sexual experimentation and dives into the pool. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is just like "Who am I? What is this? What is my job?" as Ed has an emotional breakdown about the temperature of the hot tub water. It's too cold, ABC — god don't you understand?

Falling In Love

After a night of word-vomiting and real vomiting (we assume), it's time for our delicate flowers to partner up for the first competition, wherein they crawl inside giant vibrating hearts and try not to fall out. Oh, Chris Harrison, you cruel genius, you. Unfortunatly, Erica and Nick are the first pair to collapse, which means they'll each get one point against them on Judgement Day. So, which sexy team wins? Super-fans, Brittany (plus Erica) and David! OMG, twinergy guys. Twinsense and Twinergy.

To celebrate their big win, The Twins go on a fantasy date with David and ride a carousel, at which point one twin says "This is like The Great Gatsby." Hilarious. Unfortunately, the night ends with some skinnydipping on the Santa Monica pier, and let's just say we're still having nightmares.

Meanwhile back at the Bachelor Pad, Jamie invites Shirtless Chris for an awkward bonding session on her bed, and after they get their mack on (Jamie's skills have improved, BTW), Crazy Blakeley barges in to "donkey punch" Chris for betraying her trust. Annnd cue the waterworks.

The Rose Ceremony

So, which unlucky guy and gal get voted off the first episode of Bachelor Pad 3? When noobie David stages a coup to get Erica kicked out, it all comes down to her and Super Fan Paige. Sadly, Paige doesn't have enough votes, and gets deflowered by Chris Harrison — which means she and Reid won't be able to explore their tender love. In other news, Super Fan Chris and his SWAT team (that's our new nickname for his facial hair) are also dunzo. That's right, the veterans officially outnumber the amateurs!