As we all know, Bachelor Pad is one accidental vagina-flash away from being considered NSFL, and this week's festive gathering of drunken hotties really took things to the next level. Mostly because the episode was inspired by Pretty Woman, aka the movie that motivated Chris Harrison to take up Big Pimpin'. We can only assume he worships a Richard Gere shrine, but it's just, like: Don't we all?
The Great Fail of China
A round of applause for the ABC intern who came up with this week's challenge. You've done it again!
After a night of binge drinking around twinkly candles, our contestants are forced to balance a bunch of teacups on top of one another and walk about 10 yards without falling. Most of these dudes can't even walk in a straight line when they're sober, so you can imagine how hard they fail. Poor Erica is like the little engine that could, except she totally couldn't. Honestly, we're just happy no one vomited into their tea cup.
Obviously, everyone's favorite "p***y waxer," Blakeley, has an advantage thanks to a her former job at Hooters, and she wins the competition without a prob. Even better? Her new partner in crime, Tony The Lumberjack, wins the men's round, and they celebrate in the only way a couple should: by wrapping their legs around each other and doing a beautiful dry-humpy modern dance. Somewhere, that small child Tony's always talks about is crying gentle tears of happiness. And also sadness, because his dad hasn't chucked wood in, like, forever.
Blakeley and Tony decide to go on their one-on-one date with each other, which means Blakely gets to give her rose away. So, who does she pick? Bachelor Pad's resident American Psycho, Kalon!
Pretty Woman, Walking Down The... Deserted Bridge
Time to get your Pretty Woman on, guys! (No, not you, Chris Harrison.) Thanks to Blakeley's tender heart, Kalon and Lindzi deck themselves out in Neil Lane diamonds and go on a prostitution-themed date around LA, where they end up having dinner on an abandoned bridge underneath a precarious chandelier that might impale them at any moment. You know, because Julia Roberts did that? Except not ever?
Either way, Kalon has morphed from our public enemy #1 into a pure angel, and we need him to propagate "his seed" immediately. His line needs to be preserved. Not only does Kalon declare his manmotions to Lindzi and make out with her on the hood of a Bentley, he actually drops the L-word — throwing shade at Emily Maynard while doing so. Auuuugh, he's so misunderstood, we just want to lovingly spray his face with a fresh coat of tanner!
Meanwhil, back at The Pad, Chris Bukowski has slipped into a hoodie, and we know what that means. His alternate personality Christopher Bukrazy has come for a visit, and boyfriend is pissed. Chris thinks Kalon and Ed betrayed him by not voting off Blakeley, and his triple-threat bro-off causes a wine glass to commit suicide when it comes into contact with Ed's hand. Even worse? Chris wants to vote off Lindzi to get back at Kalon. Drama!
If The Tent Is A Rockin', Don't Come A Knockin'
You guys, we have alarming news. You might want to put on some granny panties and protect your bikini line, because Blakeley is in love and she's coming for your vagina in a fit of glee. It all begins with some romantic camping in the wilderness. That's right, the wilderness. It's almost like ABC wants these poor, wayward things to starve to death and get attacked by rattlesnakes.
As you might expect, Blakely isn't the outdoorsy type, so thank goodness Chris Harrison hooks them up with an airstream. Aww, how romantic and backwoods! These two might not be dripping in diamonds like Kalon and Lindzi, but they spend a wonderful evening making out and dancing while various wild animals go blind.
Meanwhile, back at The Pad, The Stag treats Rachel to a beautiful night of snuggling, candelabras and sprinkled rose petals. Tragically, an acoustic guitar has to witness their love-making, and it doesn't even get strummed by The Stag's gentle fingers.
Boulevard Of Broken Rose Petals (aka Dreams)
Usually, we love nothing more than when one of the bachelorettes spirals into a fit of ugly crying and leaks glitter out of her eyeballs, but we hate seeing our girl Jaclyn sad. Turns out her pickle juice just isn't cutting it for Ed, and he announces that he has no intention of embarking into a serious relationship.
To make matters worse, Chris Harrison shows up all high on life and freedom, and announces that everyone gets to vote off one lady in the house, and she gets to pick which gent is leaving with her. Oh, here go hell come. Meanwhile, Toby gives his rose to Jaclyn — which means Erica, Rachel, Sarah, and Lindzi are on the chopping block.
Alliances are forming all over the place, and almost everyone votes Erica off in the hopes that she takes down Chris. The catch? Chris takes Erica into the voting room to prove that he has her back, which causes her to take down The Stag. Go frolick with your Bambi forefathers, Michael! Spread your antlers and fly!