Credit: ABC via WENN

Hello, lovers! The time for ugly-crying in the fetal position and watching Bachelor Pad is upon us — and we suggest you arm yourselves with the following: Cheetos, Doritos, Cheez-its, a Snuggie, and several pounds of sequins. We assume you are already guzzling a wine cooler, so no need to mention that.

This week, our lovely hive of bachelors and bachelorettes once again unite in various feats of drunken strength, and you guys? Twinsense. That's all we're saying. Twin-freakin'-sense.

Rhythmic Gymnastics

First of all, we need to talk about the fact that this week's challenge is "Rhythmic Gymnastics," which is just as sexual and bendy as it sounds. Round of applause to the ABC intern who picked this name. You've done it again!

Essentially, "Rhythmic Gymnastics" is a combination of cheerleading, baton twirling, and the entire movie Billy Elliot, wherein everyone bounds around in leotards. And guess what? Michael Stagliano is a master. He padabures his little heart out, twirls with all his might, and yes — he wins the whole competition hands down. Suck on that, everyone, let the man dance.

The ladies also triumph in this week's challenge (presumably thanks to all the yoga and kegels they've been doing), but the bad news? Our Queen, Erica Rose, is terrible at wand twirling, and cannot stop flashing the camera her undies. As you might expect, she loses the competition, which means Blakeley and The Stag get roses and dates!  

Menage a Quatro

Credit: ABC via WENN

First up, Michael's date — a terrifying fifteen minutes filled with drunken makeout sessions and way too much footage of people sucking on bananas. Michael invites Rachel, Lindzi and Donna's Double Ds to a private concert so they can take turns making out, and all we can say is: Our eyes. We've never seen so much dry-humping.

In other news, Rachel and The Stag really seem to have a connection (she even gets the rose!), but forget her — we have a deranged stalker on our hands. Yep, Donna has etched a photo of Michael's face in her notebook, and we couldn't be more terrified. Runaway, Stag! Runaway and let your ballerina toes be free!

Meanwhile back at the Pad, Chris Bukow-chicka-wow-ski has morphed into an evil criminal mastermind. His plan? To take down the competition, one public makeout session at a time. Jamie is Chris' first victim, and he webs a love trap around her like a hunky spider, only to makeout with Blakeley as Jamie ugly-cries herself to sleep in the bunk bed above them. 

Now time for Blakeley's date, a magical evening wherein she, Chris, Ed, and Dave drive around in soapbox cars and try not to kill themselves. The best part? Ed rambles about his creative spirit and paints his car like a pickle. Get it? Because he's in a pickle! Life mimics art guys, ask Picasso. But which lucky guy gets Blakeley's rose? Our new manipulative BFF, Chris Bukowski! Dun dun duuuun.

Twinsense and Sensibility

Credit: ABC via WENN

As usual, we're worried. Everyone at The Pad is so drunk that we think Chris Harrison might have roofied them (just to get a little sleep), and Ed is still frolicking in the luke-warm hot tub water. Also, ladies are topless and making out (no, not The Twins, that would be incest), Chris has taken to pouring champagne all over David's pecs, and Kalon is sleeping with Lindzi... and maybe a few other ladies. Basically, it's the frat party you avoided all through college, but with way more glitter and vomit.

Then again, we're pretty sure Ed and Sarah have a real love connection thanks to their mutual "sexual energy" and the fact that Ed has named his penis "the pickle." Just saying, we will never be eating pickles, cucumbers, or anything spiced with mustard seeds again.

In other news, The Twins are upset. From what we can gather between the hiccups, bitch slaps, and slurred speech, Virginal Twin wants to go home and Slutty Twin wants to stay so she can hook up with David. Slutty Twin really wants to bond with him, but her evil sister forces her to leave the house and it looks like both of them are gone for good. We'll miss you Thing One and Thing Two. Never forget.  

Now that The Twins are gone, the rose ceremony has to be re-mixed by Chris Harrison. There isn't an elimination among the ladies, which means just one unlucky gent will be sent home. At first, most of the gals want to vote-off David because he's a meager noob, but Kalon wants Ryan out of the house (probably because he's a virgin) and Sarah wants to kick-out Ed despite their hot hookup. Basically, everyone is plotting and scheming, and it's only a matter of time before this turns into the Hunger Games but with more booty-popping (also, Chris Harrison equals Effie Trinket).

So, who goes home? Say adieu to Ryan and his virginity. Actually, not his virginity. That's here to stay.