Every rose has its thorn, but our favorite — Erica Rose — also has some killer one-liners on Bachelor Pad Season 2. She’s sly. And smart. And manipulative. And funny. And completely stranded now on Crazy Island. Although her plan to save Jake Pavelka was genius (as opposed to “Jenius,” a la Kasey Kahl’s shirt), it didn’t work. Shocker.
But, thankfully, that means we won’t have to see Erica put her injected lips on Jake’s anymore. That. Was. Wrong.
Every episode it’s like a baton is passed — this week YOU will be the designated driver of the “Let’s Vote Out The Power Couples” clown car. Unfortunately, that car has a bad starter and never goes anywhere. So, when it comes down to Kasey vs. Jake in the closest vote to date, Jake is the one who has to “kick rocks.” Aftermath? We don’t get no stinkin’ aftermath. Right after Kasey’s name is declared “safe,” the screen goes black. So whatever Jake is planning to do to take some people out with him — maybe drag someone into a limo in a reverse Jackie and Ames? — we have to wait to see it next week. And if Kasey does punch Jake in the mouth for saying something — we have to wait to see it next week. So, congrats, ABC on squeezing four weeks of drama out of Jake. Get your money’s worth!
But do we really care to see more? The whole Jake/Vienna/Kasey thing is beyond stale. Even Melissa Schreiber’s constant state of crazy is more interesting than watching K&V fight again. And, honestly, they should retroactively credit William Holman with at least 15 minutes of BP2 time for all the love/hate triangle footage used when we could be seeing Wills do… whatever he is actually doing in that house. Maybe we should rename him The Fly, since he is the ultimate fly on the wall, just observing the action without seeming to get involved. How do we get that gig next season?
Read on for a full recap of Episode 3, which includes Bret Michaels, synchronized swimming, and the emergence of Team Money Bunn as the most attractive couple on the planet.
BLAKE VS. MELISSA
This is why Bachelor Pad 2 is awesome: Within two minutes of the show starting, the Melissa/Blake battle is full throttle. There’s no build-up. No down time. Melissa is frustrated by Blake’s flirting with Holly. What’s weird is, Melissa seems to be totally fine with Holly. It’s refreshing to see the women backing each other, for once. Holly says she flirts with all the boys — “that’s my nature.” So don’t read into the fact that they are all over each other. Except … Blake and Holly seem to still be together in real life. But Holly must be wearing bad mojo Teflon, since she’s surrounded by drama — sometimes in the middle of it — but nothing sticks to her. (Island of) serenity now!
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING CHALLENGE
Jake believes he is blessed with mental strength and problem solving, so if the challenge involves that, he’ll do well. Instead, the challenge involves a Speedo, which is also in his favor because, as Erica informs us, he was also blessed with “a big package.”
Three guest judges show up — an actual gold medal-winning swimmer and BP1 co-winners David Good and Natalie Getz.
Michelle says Melissa and Holly have an advantage because they were cheerleaders. As with softball last week, Vienna says this is a good challenge for her because she has experience with swimming (and cheerleading). But, once again, it doesn’t help. Jake said the guy to beat is Michael Stagliano, because he choreographs dancing. But, really, it just matters what the judges think and the judges have particular favorites. For example, Dave is never going to vote for Jake. He hates the guy. Natalie was roommates with Holly but she’s currently girl crushing on Michelle.
Poor Erica is not cut out for synchronized swimming. The women in general are a mess. Kirk feels bad for the judges. Natalie calls the routine “god awful” but whispers to Dave that Michelle and Vienna are standouts. The men are actually really good. What does that say about them? Michelle said Michael really owned it. Erica thinks Jake should win because of his big package. (Girl knows her priorities.)
Natalie said Jake did a great job and being on Dancing With the Stars helped him out. Dave said Kirk did well with his poses. Karen, the pro lady, gave props to Mike and he won the challenge. Dave said Vienna did very well. Natalie said Holly made her laugh. Karen said the rose would go to Michelle, for artistic impression.
Where can we buy some of those flowered caps? Michelle’s blue one is very fetching.
JAKE AND ERICA BOND AS KASEY AND VIENNA FIGHT
Jake lays down with Erica. Erica calls Jake sexy. This whole thing is so bizarre… it can’t be real. Say this is a set-up. Everybody is looking for a hero right now, Jake declares, because everyone’s sick of Kasey and Vienna. He’s always ready to play hero.
Here’s anther bizarre scenario: Vienna is cordial to Jake, complimenting his swimming skills, and it upsets Kasey because it goes off the plan. Since it was Vienna’s plan to begin with, it would be annoying to have your marching orders be changed without notice — especially when Vienna has been feeding Kasey the story that Jake is such a “monster.” Kasey and Vienna start fighting over who should be protecting whom and even Melissa calls their fight “petty,” which is a clear sign that it’s time to STFU. Instead, Vienna throws a pillow at Kasey and bursts into tears.
Can this show please turn into Survivor immediately — the way so many people seem to think it already is — and send these two to Exile Island?
Still, props to Kasey for these lines, which imply he has actually met the same Vienna everyone else is seeing:
Kasey: "Do you want to have another public breakup on TV?"
Kasey: "Why are you acting like this? Why are you doing this? Are you trying to get America's sympathy vote because you looked like a bitch last time?"
Kasey tells the camera that she called Jake a fame whore but she’s the real fame whore. But on Twitter, when they first teased that line, he said he wasn’t talking about Vienna at all. Still, it’s a good line.
Kasey goes off on Vienna. Jake’s her ex-fiance, she thinks he emotionally abused her, that was a year ago, get over it. Now Kasey wants her to put on a brave face and act like they just had a minor misunderstanding instead of a blowout. But wouldn’t that be fake? Like, Jake fake? They really do love their types. He loves his drama queens (he hooked up with Erica before the show) and she loves her controlling wannabe heroes. And now Jake and Erica are hooking up. Just send all four of them to Exile Island.
MICHELLE’S DATE INTRODUCES TEAM MONEY BUNN
Date card: “Michelle, please choose three men to join you on today’s date.” What a lackluster date card message. Put your backs into it, people.
1. Graham, for hotness
2. Kasey, for strategy
3. Blake, for whatever reason
They go to a vineyard. They should fly up to Ben Flajnik’s vineyard and rock out with Storm Horse.
Michelle does have three good guys, as hot bods go. Michelle pulls Blake aside to play Mama Bear for Melissa, who is a good friend of hers. She tells Blake the next move is his. He has to save his own Pavelka.
That night, the four seem to have a really good time. Michelle pulls Graham aside. She has a crush on Graham (get in line!) but she’s also feeling very DeAnna Pappas in that she thinks he’s just not that into her. He makes people feel that way a lot. What gives? Michelle said she knows timing is very important and he might not be over his ex. Graham said he is comfortable around her, but he is pretty closed off right now. He had a bad breakup with that All My Children girl?
Michelle tells the camera “I am absolutely crazy about Graham. I think Graham is one of the best guys I've ever known.” Aww! She gives him the rose. But he is very casual to the cameras, saying they have great chemistry and he’d love to start something with her. Come on, buddy, fall faster.
MICHAEL’S DATE INCLUDES A THREE-WAY WITH BRET MICHAELS
Date card: “Every rose has its thorn”
Holly thought she and Mike would come on the show just as friends but now she’s confused. Her instinct is to distance herself. Ignore that instinct!
Mike chooses, for his date...
1. Vienna, because she hasn’t gotten out of the house yet.
2. Ella, because she hasn’t gotten out of the house yet.
3. Holly, because they have a blast together and she’s his partner.
They take a limo to wherever. Mike says all the guys would agree that Holly is the most fun girl in the house. Holly says it’s hard to be around Mike. She doesn’t want to talk strategy or emotion. She’s drained and just wants to have fun. Holly = fun in general, though. She doesn’t seem to like to go into the deep end of the feelings pool.
They go horseback riding and have to wear helmets, which Vienna doesn’t like. Vienna doesn’t like much. She complains a lot. She’s driving Ella nuts. Add Ella to the group wanting to dump K&V. For whatever reason, we have to hear the whole Holly/Mike engagement story again from Vienna to Ella. Feels like a set-up. He still loves her. She’s ready to go back to having fun with whoever. But she can’t stop flirting. It’s her nature.
Holly: You miss me?
Mike: Yes, I miss you.
What does she want from this? Stag said he doesn’t just miss her because she’s there now. He missed her in between too, while they were broken up. She said she constantly wants to touch him and go back to the way they were. He said every time he sees her she looks so beautiful. He names off all the things she wears. He pays attention. Always a plus. It helps that everything she wears is short. He aches for her! But sometimes love just ain’t enough. They fought through their relationship and she doesn’t think they’re meant to be together because relationships shouldn’t be this hard.
Mike gives Holly the rose. Of course. She shares some petals with Ella and Vienna. She says it makes her sad that Mike wants to be with her because she worked for so long to keep their relationship together when he had checked out. She said they still love each other, but she’s still angry from the breakup and they have unresolved issues.
Bret Michaels shows up. Will Holly start flirting with him now? Maybe go on the next season of Rock of Love? He plays “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” for them. He congratulates them on their engagement and their breakup. They are at their fork in the road and they could go either way. They totally relate to this song.
KASEY AND VIENNA’S SIX-MONTH ANNIVERSARY
Kasey and Vienna talk about how much their hearts hurt when they see each other upset. The word “heart” comes out of Kasey’s mouth a hundred times. He got her a gift for their six-month anniversary. It’s a ring box. She’s scared. “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.” It’s a promise ring. That’s okay to her. What is it about Vienna that he loves? Is he a masochist? Well, he sings to her and she doesn’t strand him on a glacier, so maybe she is his perfect match.
JAKE WANTS TO ELIMINATE KASEY AND VIENNA
Every dang week someone has this conversation and nothing happens. Jake and Blake are talking strategy. At first, Jake was all Mr. Nice Guy, saying he’s just on the show to get closure with Vienna, but now he wants to kick her Pavelka to the curb.
So Blake, who has been trying to ditch K&V from the beginning, is on board with this again. Jake talks to Erica about it. Erica is tired of K&V running everything. So DO something about it! Erica’s plan is to rub Jake’s arm and talk about how she wants to go on a date with him.
Jake is willing to do whatever he needs to do. So he’s the next Blake, ready to kiss whoever to be safe. Man whores in da house! Erica says she’s a good kisser, with the help of the lips she keeps in good shape thanks to injections every six months. Eww.
THE COMPLETE UNRAVELING OF MELISSA
Later, Jake and Melissa are in the hot tub. Erica spies on their conversation. Love when Erica plays spy! Melissa’s trying to save herself, naturally. Vienna said Melissa is a loose cannon and acts with her emotions. Sound like anyone else we know? Was Melissa part of V’s alliance? It sounds like she was, but now she’s “digging her own grave.”
Erica spies, again, while Melissa talks to Stag. “She’s practically constantly in a state of crazy.” Erica is the one conspiring with Jake but she’s making it seem like Melissa was the one talking strategy. Well played. Evil, but well played.
Poor Melissa keeps getting used. She is melodramatic and emotional but she’s right about Erica. Still, Michelle is right about Melissa — she is too emotionally unstable for this show. “An honest person should not be here,” she says, pulling a Gia from last week. Are all honest people sob sisters?
Earlier, after his group date with Michelle, Blake said he was going to try to act interested in Melissa again — despite telling the cameras she is a “shrew” and a “bitch.” Blake said the only way to keep her level-headed is to give her what she wants. She wants him.
Later, Blake tries to make it clear that he only wants to be platonic partners with Melissa. It hurts her. Everything hurts her. She is a chipped china doll. She feels like no one has her back besides Jake. Actually, Jake and Melissa would be a great couple. He loves his blonde drama queens and she likes phony Captain America types. Done and done.
WHO GOES HOME?
Chris Harrison said this week will be different. Last week, two ladies were supposed to be voted out, but that went haywire when Gia and Ames both left. This week, all of the women are safe. Only one man will go home. Ladies and gentlemen will all vote one guy off.
Vienna, Kasey, Holly, Stag, Graham and Michelle — who looks gorgeous tonight — are all shown dropping Jake’s name into the mix.
It’s Jake vs. Kasey.
Kirk is the swing vote. He’s torn between Jake and Blake. Erica is working her tail off to save Jake. Erica tries to manipulate Melissa and ignore her crazy to make sure her head stays in the game. Nicely done, Erica.
Erica wants to be the new power couple in the house, with Jake. Is Jake ready for what that might mean? Grainy sex footage, man. Grainy sex footage.
William tells Kasey he is gone tonight. Why would he say that to Kasey? It gives him time to rally. Why is William on the K&V side? Kasey goes up to Melissa and Erica. Erica said she’s just trying to make the game fair. Vienna said Erica should be ashamed of herself because, coming into the game, Erica was one of Kasey’s closest friends.
Jake and Kasey talk outside again. It’s down to them. This feels like a soap opera moment. They shake hands again. They should be friends.
Kirk works on Ella, who also looks gorgeous tonight. Kirk wants to protect Kasey. Not good, man. Blake makes good arguments, but Kirk is afraid. Ella wants to dump Kasey, but what is Kirk going to do?
The first guys to get roses are:
Chris says this was easily the closest vote they’ve had on Bachelor Pad.
And then the screen goes blank. The hell? Dang it, Kirk! Why save Kasey? What does he really expect to happen? He has to know he and his partner, Ella, would be at the very bottom of the K&V alliance. On Team Jake, he could be one of the stronger couples. If Kirk & Ella went up against Jake & Erica in the finale, Kirk & Ella would sweep.
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