Last one to run screaming from Bachelor Pad is a rotten paint-and-hate-filled egg!
Anyone else wanna walk out? Jake Pavelka? Vienna Girardi? Kasey Kahl? Vienna? Vienna? You sure? Chris Harrison already volunteered to call you a cab...
It’s good that Ames Brown and Jackie Gordon are fleeing the insane asylum while they are still in the throes of Romeo & Juliet passion — pink pants and all. Before long, that love turns into Melissa Schreiber and Blake Julian emotional warfare, Vienna and Kasey megalomania, Michael Stagliano and Holly Durst confusion, or — if you’re truly cursed — Jake and Vienna.
BP2 Episode 2 is quite the wild ride. Sob, scream, swoon, repeat. But ABC may be onto something with that haunted hospital trip. Whenever this franchise is officially dunzo, they should give ghost walk tours of the Bachelor mansion.
Here’s the exact spot where Jake and Vienna had their breakup fight! Here’s where Vienna declared that she never did anything wrong to Jake. Right about everywhere is where she allowed him to redeem his reputation by reacting exactly the way he hoped she would to his kill-her-with-kindness strategy. Right here you can still see the trail of tears from Queen Hypocrite Gia Allemand as she storms out before the rose ceremony. That crying you hear? No, that’s not her. That’s Stag still sobbing over his ex-fiancee Holly. If you listen close at night, you can also hear the sound of Melissa creeping up the stairs to interrupt Blake as he attempts to row out to Holly’s island of serenity. And if you purchase the industrial strength ear plugs at the gift shop, you can try to drown out the echoes of Kasey saying “It’s guard and protect time.”
If those walls could talk they would probably scream for help. Unfortunately they must stay silent witnesses to the exhausting emotional battlefield that rages on. Jake is still in the house at this point, thanks to a laughably obvious new rule just made up on the spot, saying two women would be voted out this week. Well, wrong! Only one woman actually got voted out, but two gals and a guy are gone. But it means Vienna and Kasey must continue to obsess over Jake on Episode 3.
But enough about them for a minute. How adorable is it that Jackie and Ames spent a weekend together in Napa in after leaving BP2 in June? Supposedly they already broke up, but maybe after watching their own love story play out they’ll be inspired to get back together. This thing needs a happy ending, even if it’s far, far away from the Bachelor mansion.
Read on for a full recap of BP2 Week 2 — then prepare for Gia to come back on Season 3:
It’s time to beat on each other emotionally and physically! The Padawans have to be blindfolded and turned around, targets literally marked on their backs, to be hit with paint-filled eggs.
The guys are blindfolded first. The girls have to answer these questions...
Question 1: “Who are you the least attracted to?”
• Gia hits Kirk.
• Melissa hits William
• Holly tries to hit Ames but misses
• Ella flies way over a bunch of people
• Vienna tries to hit Jake but despite her self-proclaimed softball prowess, she misses
• Michelle also misses
• Erica hits Kasey
• Jackie whips the heck out of Michael
Question 2: Who do you think least deserves the $250,000?
• Jackie hits Graham — she is “cannon arm” Gordon
• Melissa hits Ames
• Erica misses
• Gia’s Kasey egg doesn’t break so it doesn’t count
Question 3: “Who do you want to see go home this week?”
• Melissa hits Jake
• Holly hits Jake’s head
• Michelle hits Jake
• Jackie hits Jake too?
• Vienna hits Jake, of course
Tie: Melissa and Jackie have a tie-breaker
Tie-breaker Question 4: “Who is the dumbest?”
• Jackie throws over William’s head — Dang it!
• Melissa hits Graham hard — what’s with all the bitterness toward Graham? What are we missing?
Melissa Schreiber wins the challenge for the girls.
Now it’s the girls’ turn to be blindfolded and the guys have to throw eggs.
Question 1: “Who is most likely to cheat on you in a relationship?”
• Jake says “Vienna cheated on me with I believe three men.” Huh. He hits Vienna
Stag hits Erica
• Kasey misses, even though he said he played baseball. And he wanted to hit Ella?!
Question 2: “Who do you want to go home this week?”
• Blake hits Erica
• Stags hits Erica
• Ames misses — What are the odds?
• Jake hits Vienna
Question 3: “Who are you least attracted to?”
• Graham hits Erica
• Blake hits Erica
• Kirk hits Erica
• William hits Erica
• Stag really slams Erica with an 80 mph hit, which was not necessary
• Jake aims for Erica but misses
Michael Stagliano wins the challenge for the guys.
Poor Erica. She’s naturally curvaceous and nothing on her is fake, unlike most of the other women. It’s easy to feel sorry for her, but then she decides to defend herself by saying Ella is bigger than her and less attractive. Why is she blaming Ella? And why would that mean Ella can say she’s “better” now? Ella is awesome — blame the guys if you want to get mad. Besides, maybe they meant because of your tiara and slightly *out there* attitude, not your body.
MICHAEL’S DATE … ALLOWS HIM TO CRY WITH HOLLY
Stags explains that he met Holly two years ago and basically loved her at first sight. (Aww! Two party people bonding … probably over booze.) He waited a year to propose. She said yes, then in November she called it off. He took the ring back.
Date card: “Michael, are you afraid of the dark? Please choose three ladies to join you on tonight’s date.”
1. Erica, because this is the least fun way he’s won anything.
2. Michelle, because he hasn’t gotten to know her well yet.
3. Holly, because they have experience dating and they always have fun.
Holly doesn’t look like she’s ready to have fun. Michelle is worried about the awkwardness too. Producer suggestion?
Stags said abandoned insane asylums and hospitals are his biggest fears. Wouldn’t you be more afraid of packed asylums? Like Bachelor Pad? When Holly and Stag were together they read a book that was specifically about Linda Vista hospital and all the bad stuff that happened there. Planned much?
What a bunch of drama queen babies. Haunted hospitals are crazy fun.
Erica and Michael try to have some kind of seance. They hear a noise and Stags jumps a thousand feet. Meanwhile, Michelle and Holly have what feels like a really scripted “There’s still something there with you and Michael” conversation. Holly doesn’t know how to just be friends with Michael.
Michelle now wants to play mama bear nurturer, encouraging Michael to figure things out with Holly. He tells her he met Holly at the wrap party for The Bachelorette Season 5. He’s the romantic one in this relationship. The heart-on-your sleeve crier. He talks about how she broke off the engagement in November, but they got back together when she said it was the biggest mistake she ever made. They dated for about three months until March, but he realized he wasn’t going to ask her to marry him again. Michelle wonders how he would react to seeing Holly with another guy in the house. (*cough*Blake*cough*)
In the creepy hospital, with a creepy red light flashing in the background, Michael gives the rose to Holly. They talk on the roof. He’s really proud of them, that they are mature adults and can still respect each other. (Unlike Jake and Vienna.)
Michael: "I want to hang out with you all the time. ... I just know how much fun you are. It's weird to see you in a room with a bunch of people and want to go sit next to you or want to pull you aside. Seeing you makes me realize that I really want you to be happy, you know."
He tears up. Holly tears up too. We’re tearing up.
Holly: “I don’t even know what happened between us. Like, I still really don’t know why you broke up with me.”
Michael: "I don’t really know why you broke up with me, you know."
She kept saying there’s something missing, over and over.
Holly: "The timing was off and that's literally all that happened. When you loved me it was hard for me to love you back. And then when I finally loved you, you didn't love me."
That happens way to often. He still loves and misses her. She thinks they’ve always been best friends. He says no, he knew he wanted to marry her, not just be best friends. This so sad, but not in the Jake/Vienna painful way. Just sad. And kinda beautiful.
MELISSA’S DATE INTRODUCES BENTLEY 2.0
Date card: “Chart a course for romance.”
Blake tells the camera he’s heard that Melissa is into him. “Honestly, there’s no way I want any part of that,” but he’s willing to let it play out. Nice.
For her date she picks:
Melissa is trying to pull a Gia and make an alliance with Kasey. She is already planning to give him the rose to ensure her own safety. Kasey now thinks he is The Godfather.
Funny how Melissa compares herself to the Bachelorette, since Kasey just called her expendable and Blake said “she’s not my type.” So Melissa is now Ashley Hebert and Blake is her Bentley Williams.
Blake doesn’t trust Kasey because Kasey tells everyone he has their back and he can’t protect everyone. Blake may be an arse, but he’s like Justin Rego, he’s smart about strategy. So he pulls a “you can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss” move on Melissa, giving her something to think about.
Blake: “It's akin to a prostitute. I hate it, you know, but I have to kind of whore myself out to keep her happy and maintain friendships that probably wouldn't be there otherwise.” He’s so Bentley. But he gets the rose he wanted. Kasey is ticked because Melissa just backstabbed him. Kirk and Kasey — who could be the new Red Dragon twins — take a little boat back to the house.
Blake: “When Melissa leans in to kiss me, it’s pretty easy to kiss her back because I had a few drinks. So, not entirely what I wanted to do, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
AWKWARD MOMENTS GALORE!
VIENNA TELLS JAKE TO KICK ROCKS
In the house, Vienna is talking to the ladies about how Jake treated her like a possession when the cameras were off. It took her a year to get through what he put her through. What exactly did he do, tie her up and beat her? So what if he didn’t eat her food? That doesn’t make her a monster, but she says “Things that he’s done to me are unforgivable.” What, though? It would help to know what was so bad.
Jake interrupts V’s diatribe to ask for two seconds of her time. Vienna says she has nothing to say to him. She’s not comfortable speaking to Jake without Kasey with her. (Cue a million eye rolls across America.)
So no two seconds of V’s time for Jake. Gia feels bad for Jake. Vienna is making everyone in the house uncomfortable because of Jake. “Because she's uncomfortable, everyone has to be uncomfortable.” Seems that way. Gia tells Vienna that Jake never says anything bad about Vienna. V, in her delusion, responds “I didn’t do anything bad to him, so there was no reason for him to say anything negative.”
Did she see the same breakup special everyone else did? Jake isn’t the only one should’ve apologized.
GIA WANTS TO BREAK UP THE POWER COUPLES
Breaking news: Gia ALWAYS wants to break up the power couples and it never happens. She talks to Graham, saying she thinks she’s about to go home but before she does she wants to launch a plan to get rid of Kasey and Vienna.
BLAKE + MELISSA + HOLLY = AWKWARD
Holly is confused. She thinks Michael wants to get back together with her, but Blake is something “new and exciting” and he uses big words which is, like, really attractive. Melissa chases Blake down into a bedroom where he was lying with Holly.
Honestly, Blake and Holly deserve each other. They are both drawn to shiny and new toys.
JAKE TRIES AGAIN TO TALK TO VIENNA
Vienna is outside with Kasey. Jake asks if, out of the kindness of their hearts, could they save him? Ha! What is he really expecting? Kasey asks if Jake feels like he deserves to be there. Jake says, if he wins, he’s planning to donate the $250K. Vienna calls BS because he’s more than $200K in debt for his limo company. Vienna wants to know why he didn’t contact her off-camera to have their closure. He said he didn’t have her e-mail address. (Lame.) V says everyone in the entire house has been miserable. She leaves out that it’s because of her.
Kasey goes so far as to tell Jake “People just don't like you. You are a bad person.” Then Kasey and V make out. It’s weird. This drama really is a turn-on for them, just like Gia said. Nasty.
BACHELOR PAD TWIST AND TWO PEOPLE WALK OUT!
THE RULES HAVE CHANGED … TO SAVE JAKE?
Vienna makes a whole speech in front of Chris Harrison, saying they (producers) already made her and Jake break up in front of America and she doesn’t think it’s fair that they are putting them in the same house again. She didn’t know Jake would be there until showing up.
Chris’s comeback RULES! “Who's forcing you to be here? That door’s open. That door’s open. Nobody's forced to be here. If you're unhappy, I'll call a cab for you.”
However, the next twist really does feel like it was set up to continue the Jake + Vienna drama for another week.: Instead of one guy and one gal, two women are going home this week. Women have to vote out women. WTF? We do know how much this show hates women, but come on. Really?
Michelle, who is on Team Vienna for some reason, basically tells Jake he should probably walk out since he has no chance to win $250K. Not nice.
GIA WANTS ANOTHER MAN TO KEEP HER SAFE
When are the women on this show going to guard and protect themselves?
Kasey tells Gia that Graham told him all about her plan to get rid of the power couples. Gia is now crying, feeling betrayed by Graham. But she’s crying to Kasey, the guy she wanted to vote out. Why should he feel sorry for her? Didn’t Gia already have an alliance with Kasey? Why would she try to rip that apart?
She’s another victim, not too different from Vienna when it comes down to it. Why is she crying about people being sneaky and fake when she was the one plotting behind Kasey’s back?
So now Gia is all worked up, sobbing and walking out. Gia, this is disappointing. Again. You always let us down in the end on this show. Why?
Now that Gia is gone — and maybe passed out drunk in the limo by now — the tide has turned against either Jackie or Ella to be the second girl to go. Ella is playing the “I need the money” card. She needs a man, unfortunately, to get far on this show, so she pairs with Kirk, who also needs the money.
Ames makes a deal with Kasey and Vienna to save Jackie. Kasey wants to vote out Ella. But Stag says they can’t lose Ella because they’ll lose Kirk. So Kasey tells the cameras that nothing is set in stone in this game. He seems willing to go back on his word to Ames. Didn’t he say his integrity was important to him? V and Kasey both seem to be lying to Jackie and Ames, selling them out.
Meanwhile, Melissa is an emotional wreck, crying over Blake’s love for Holly (and his touching of her boob?). She is supposed to be the swing vote to get rid of Ella and save Jackie, but it’s suggested that she may deviate from the plan.
Ames says it’s possible that he and Jackie are falling in love, so if she isn’t safe then he doesn’t feel safe.
1. Vienna — Why doesn’t everyone just vote for her?
Jackie is going home. Ames walks her to her limo. They have a long kiss goodbye. “I did really fall in love with her,” Ames said. He falls fast.
Her limo starts driving away. He turns around and, in his pink pants, runs after her. This movie scene would be better without the pink pants, but it’s precious anyway. Even if it was planned in some way, it’s still fantastic when Ames says “I think it's safe to say we won Bachelor Pad 2. This is the happiest ride in Bachelor history.”
Dying to know what happens next? Read Reality Steve's episode by episode spoilers.
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