Credit: ABC via WENN

Bachelor Pad's Jaclyn Swartz is our new best friend. Other than Jennifer Lawrence, obviously. This blonde bombshell is completely hilarious, and GOOD NEWS. She's taken it to the internets to blog about Sean Lowe's love journey, where she uses words like "Thigh-land" instead of Thailand, writes in all-caps (girl after our own heart), and is generally awesome. Check out the hysterical highlights from her blog!

On Sean's shining moment: "The best scene was by far him standing on the Thai version of a gondola and sailing through the open waters — I almost spit out my wine."

On Lindsay Yenter's bug intake: "Lindsay has mentioned that she will do ANYTHING, but not eat bugs!! ...Sean aka Fear Factor Bachelor with a sick sadistic mind is like — WHAT A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HER EAT LARVAE! I’M THE BEST!"

On watching The Bachelor: "I feel like I am in watching some shitty movie where everything goes wrong and by the end of the 2 hours you have 6 new stress breakouts and no nails left."

On Sean and Catherine Giudici's kiss: "They have kissy time on the boat where Sean lizard tongued the shit out of Catherine and I screamed like I was watching The Ring and prayed for it to end."

On Catherine's supposed weight problems: "Catherine tells a story about how she gets made fun of for being fat, and like all the real fat girls in America immediately go on juice cleanses."

On AshLee Frazier's meltdown: "I only know he hasn’t since been murdered because I see him tweet."

We're so glad that we're not the only ones who worried about Sean's well-being post breakup with AshLee. But dude should still watch his back. You never know when you might wake up with a rabid Yorkshire Terrier eating your abs.

Source: Warner Brothers