A lot of Bachelor / Bachelorette stars blog about the show, but Jaclyn Swartz is hands-down our favorite. If we played a drinking game wherein every time our whiskey shoots out our nose we, um, drink some more, Jaclyn would be the best and worst influence. In her Bachelor Blog post-Season 17 hometown dates with Sean Lowe, Jax only added to our drunken love and affection for her. Here are the ten best moments:

1. A well-placed Kardashians reference always makes a nice hostess gift.
Catherine’s sisters get on her a little bit while having a private conversation upstairs. One is mad at the other for stealing her breast milk in order to cure her psoriasis. Bitch, could have just asked!
Wrong show.”

2. Jaclyn Swartz is not impressed!
“Sean likes being with Catherine because he doesn’t have to try to be the “cool guy.” I beg to differ, please try harder.”

Credit: ABC via WENN

3. Des lives in LA. Could ABC not afford a hot actor?
Des brings Sean to her apt and some scrawny turd shows up pretending to be her ex-bf. Forget the lame joke. I wouldn’t be able to get past the fact that the morons who hired this dude thought that he was believable as Des’ ex bf. Give the girl some credit, she’s hot, and this dude is typecast for a hobbit minus the CGI size change. IE NO. Just no. Then the full frame of him standing next to Sean was just painful. Let’s be honest.”

4. Sort of how we’d imagine a tour of Brick Tamland’s apartment.
“We arrive at Catherine’s Mom’s house and I haven’t seen this much tapestry, wallpaper, and mustard yellow walls since I watched Boogie Nights.
Sean makes his way around the house with each of Catherine’s family members. He went to the dining room and got a “Welcome to the dining room!” greeting, and then he went to the kitchen where he got a ‘Welcome to the kitchen!!’ greeting.”

5. Our thoughts exactly: AshLee needs to better use her words to relate to reality.
“Not only that, but AshLee has been dreaming of this day as far back as she can remember! I’ve tried to dissect this sentence and I am still a little confused. Was it when she started grooming herself to be on the Bachelor 15 years ago? Was it 2 months ago when they started filming? Was it last week when she realized she was making it to hometowns? Either way, this scenario is not typically something you dream of.”

Credit: ABC via WENN

6. Speak slowly and capitalize random letterS!
“When AshLee narrates, I feel like she is talking to all of America like we don’t understand English. Kind of like how I talk to my cleaning lady or my waiter at China Fun.”

7. The takeaway question: Where do AshLee’s parents live?
“We move on to AshLee’s parents house…but wait, Sean and AshLee are greeted outside of the house and then proceed to walk AROUND the house for a backyard lunch. In addition, the table is definitely not outdoor furniture and rather a very indoooooorsy set of table and chairs, and all conversations were had on the outdoor porch. There are seriously only two possible scenarios here: AshLee’s family is a bunch of hoarders, hence the reason why her bottom third reads ‘Professional Organizer,’ or, this is a stranger’s house whose residents went to work for the day (they’ll never know).”

Credit: ABC via WENN

8. Ours involves a tour of our favorite dive bars, so...
“This got me thinking about what the hell I would do on my hometown date to show me in my element. The first thing that came to mind was ordering in mac and cheese and eating it in bed. This is how I DO.”

9. We were wondering why they only filmed one room...
“The conversation between the two of them finally ends and Nate goes to check on the meth lab he’s hiding in the basement. (I knew he looked familiar).”

10. AshLee’s SkeTchy SurrOundings
“Nothing says hometown like a tied front flannel, a dog, and a foodless picnic in a random field.”

Source: Jaclyn’s Bachelor Blog