We here at Bachelor and Bachelorette central wish Prince William and Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton the best — and by the best we mean we hope they manage to avoid making the kinds of blunders our lovestruck sods have committed in the search for their own fairytale endings. Will and Kate, please don't follow the leads of these silly commoners:
1. Curb your enthusiasm
You're in love. That's awesome. Don't feel compelled to embarrass yourselves over it. This is rarely a royal issue — usually they are quite reserved, stiff upper-lip and all that — but it's worth repeating. It's possible that in private, under different circumstances, Kasey Kahl's impromptu love songs to Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky would be sweet and romantic. But instead they were creepy and uncomfortable. And that's not even mentioning Kasey's tattoo and repeated vows to guard and protect Ali's heart. Over. The. Top.
Also over the top: Michelle Kujawa's Fatal Attraction need to be picked by Bachelor Jake Pavelka. Kate wisely avoided stalking Prince William to win his heart. Michelle seems to have a jealous streak, and The Bachelor was probably the wrong place for her since it requires competing with at least 24 other women from the word go.
Other ways to go too far: Stacey Elza gave British Bachelor Matt Grant a pair of panties in the season premiere. Brian Duke stripped naked and jumped into a pool to impress Bachelorette Jillian Harris. Derrick, aka "Shooter," tried to break the ice with Bachelorette Ali by telling her about a premature ejaculation incident in college. Part of the mystique of royalty involves discretion, so practice your restraint now.
2. Don't play games
We still don't know what Elizabeth Kitt wanted Jake to do on The Bachelor. Something about not kissing her unless he promised to pick her in the end. Unless he wanted to kiss her? It still doesn't make sense. And don't even get us started on her Bachelor Pad antics with confused Jesse Kovacs. If you want your special someone to do something, be clear about it. No runaround. No mind games. And, if possible, have that something you want them to do make sense.
David Good, who now has a book coming out called The Man Code, got in a major tizzy on Jillian Harris's season of The Bachelorette because Juan Barbieri allegedly violated the byzantine rules of "the man code." Juan seemed like an okay guy at the time, but his crime of not taking a shot was punishable by death in Dave's eyes. The royal code of conduct is strict, but hopefully it makes more sense than that.
3. Slow down the drinking
Speaking of shots, Juan probably had the right idea in skipping them entirely. Drinking too much makes people do stupid things. It's a time-worn truth. Remember Stacey of the panties issue in #1? She also got incredibly drunk and made an idiot of herself. And she was only there for one night! Kate, please watch this video of Stacey for a list of things not to do.
Even our beloved Bachelorette Ali had a little too much to drink on her season. It made her giggly and silly and brought out her insufferable little-girl voice. At least once an episode a bachelor or bachelorette contestant slurs their words in some drunken haze. This is unattractive in both men and women. No more ragers, Prince Will!
4. Earn your tiara before playing the princess
Erica Rose of The Bachelor: Rome already thought she was a princess even before trying to land Prince Lorenzo Borghese. The spoiled girl wore her tiaras everywhere and talked about wanting to bring her maid. When Chris Harrison said that wasn't an option, she wanted one of the other ladies in the house to be her maid. That didn't work out either.
Vienna Girardi ended up being Erica 2.0 on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. She was another spoiled daddy's girl carrying around her little dog. Sometimes the ladies just had princess attitudes. DeAnna Pappas, for example, pitched a royal fit on her season of The Bachelorette when the men weren't paying her enough attention at a barbecue. On Bachelor Pad, Tenley Molzahn proved even Disney princesses need to chill sometimes; she cried over everything from eating too much blueberry pie to having to answer to Michelle for why she started that hookup rumor. Come to think of it, why did Tenley start that rumor?
5. Handle conflict with tact
There's conflict in every relationship, even a royal relationship. The trick is handling it well. Do not, for example, yell and (hand chop!) interrupt each other in an embarrassing public breakup where you call each other "fame whore." (Thanks for that tip, Jake and Vienna!) Don't dump your loved one on TV and then ask out another girl five minutes later. (Ahem, Jason, Molly, and Melissa!) If you do break up off-camera, please don't run to the next camera and make a YouTube video about your breakup to garner sympathy. (Not cool, Jesse Csincsak!) If you spot an alleged wrongdoing in the royal household, don't make a public display of ratting to The Powers That Be. (We're looking at you, Jake Pavelka and Jessie Sulidis.) If you don't get along with everyone in the royal household, don't spend all of your time obsessing over how much you dislike this person — à la Ali with Vienna and Dave with Juan. Try to focus your energies on getting along with your partner, not controlling the people in his or her inner circle.
6. Know what you are getting into
This is key. So many Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants sign on for the dreaded "wrong reasons" and it ends up backfiring on them. They don't want love. They want a country music career, a boost to their wrestling profile, or maybe just a shot at the future Bachelor reunions where all the rejects get together to hook up.
Ed Swiderski dumped Jillian Harris mid-season to go back to his job, then came back, got chosen, got drenched in tabloid drama, and went away again. Ali thought she knew she wanted Jake, but dumped him for her job at Facebook, then dumped Facebook for a shot at The Bachelorette. Frank Neuschaefer seemed to want to be with Ali, but at the last minute he decided he preferred his ex-girlfriend Nicole. Justin Rego insisted he didn't want his ex-girlfriend, Jessica, but then gushy voicemails home to Jessica played out on air as he walked away from Ali in Turkey. The ultimate "I don't know what I want" offender was Brad Womack, the once-and-future Bachelor who chose himself at the end of Season 11 instead of taking a chance with DeAnna or Jenni Croft. He had his second chance, but his relationship with Emily Maynard is already on the rocks.
Now that you are hitched, royals, there's no turning back; we hope you're ready for what lies ahead — the good, the bad, and the ugly. More importantly, congrats on a beautiful wedding!
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