But before we dive in to all the spoilers, we should address Reality Steve's creepy "crush" on Ali. The first-rate egomaniac makes a couple crude innuendos about the blonde Bachelorette in his long-winded spoiler of nearly all of Season 6. The dirty comments made us throw up a little (ok, maybe a lot) in our mouths. First instance: In his description of Ali's spelunking date in Iceland, he writes, "She took the guys to a cave, they all put on harnesses, and go spelunking. ... I wouldn't mind spelunking with Ali either. Or on her." Ewwww. And then he busts out this gem after spilling the deets on the Turkish olive oil wrestling date: "And Ali, if you want to oil yourself up and roll around for a while, all my contact info is at the top of the page." No thank you, Steve. She'll take a pass.
Alright, we've made you queasy enough. Here are the spoilers, episode-by-episode.
View them here.
Jesse, Justin, John C., Kasey, Tyler V., Chris H., Roberto, Chris N., Jonathan, Ty B., Kirk, Craig R., Frank, Hunter, Chris L., Steve, and Craig M. are still around. Frank scores the first one-on-one date, which involves an outing to the Hollywood sign. He receives a rose — and a kiss. After singing and playing his guitar for Ali (a la Wes), Ty B. nabs a group date rose (and some career-pumping publicity) during a calendar photo shoot on a beach in Malibu. Jesse is the other lucky recipient of a one-on-one date: he and Ali jet to Vegas on a private plane for a private concert by Jamie Cullum at the Aria Hotel. (Hopefully Jake will not make a cameo as their pilot. We wouldn't put it past him, though, given how much the dude lurves his 15 minutes.) After the rose ceremony, Chris H., Craig from Canada, and Tyler V. head home.
Roberto lands the first one-on-one date of the episode. The lucky bachelor gets to walk a tightrope between two buildings. Hmm, Jillian and Ed (her final pick) scaled buildings in LA and Jake and Vienna (his final pick — in case you've been under a rock) went bungee jumping on their respective first dates. Do the couples who live dangerously always end up together? Will Roberto be Ali's final man? All signs are pointing to... maybe?
On the group date, the guys shoot a video with the Barenaked Ladies (thank God ABC landed a semi-relevant band this time... ) and Kirk gets the rose. Hunter makes a bad impression on his one-on-one date with Ali (does the guy bring along his third wheel, the ukulele?) and fails to nab a rose. Just before Ali and Hunter's date, sneaky Justin steals some alone time with the Bachelorette. When the guys discover this, they are none too pleased. Still, Justin stays and Steve and John C. get the boot.
The InStyle photo shoot happens before any of the dates and it is just for Ali. Sorry, boys! Kasey lands the first one-on-one date, which involves a helicopter sightseeing tour of New York and a stop at the Museum of Natural History. In a Bachelorette first, he doesn't get a rose BUT Ali asks him to stay. For the group date of the episode, Ali has seven guys (Jonathan, Kirk, Roberto, Craig, Ty, Jesse, and Frank) audition for a part in The Lion King on Broadway. Roberto nails it, so he and Ali get to perform a scene in the musical. Birthday boy Chris L. scores the second one-on-one date of the episode — and a rose. He and Ali enjoy a private concert by Joshua Radin and the Harlem Boys Choir.
In a side "plot," Kasey slips away to get a tattoo of a rose and heart behind a shield to represent his desire to "guard and protect Ali's heart." (Barf.) When Kasey returns with a bandage on his wrist, Justin calls him out and Kasey lies, claiming he burned himself. A confrontation ensues. Steve writes, "There will no doubt be a Team Kasey and Team Justin all season long since these two apparently don't get along at all and are always butting heads. And I'm assuming about 90 percent will be on Team Kasey." He doesn't show it to her before the rose ceremony, so it's likely that he gets it because he actually cares about her. It's all well and good that Kasey loves Ali and wants to protect her, but why the hell would he get a tattoo only four episodes into the season?! Memo to Kasey: genuine is good, desperate is not. And ink is forever.
At the end of the rose ceremony, Jesse and Jonathan head home.
The guys pen poems for Ali, and the bachelor who writes the best one gets the first one-on-one. Kirk wins, spends time with Ali, and scores a rose. For the group date, Ali and some lucky (or unlucky, depending on your attitude toward caves) guys go spelunking. Ty gets the rose on this date. Finally, brenemies Justin and Kasey accompany Ali on a two-on-one date to now-infamous Eyjafjallajokull. A helicopter drops them off on the active volcano just days before the massive, air traffic-snarling eruption. When they're done frolicking, the helicopter picks them back up and deposits them near a glacier, where they head into another cave and Kasey shows Ali his tattoo. It must creep her out, because she gives Justin the date rose — and a helicopter ride back to civilization. Kasey has to stay on the glacier. After the rose ceremony, Chris N. packs up and leaves.
The Justin's-got-a-girlfriend scandal comes to a head at the beginning of the episode, when Ali walks in on the guys after they get off the phone with Justin's gal pal back home. It comes out that Justin hasn't just been two-timing Ali; he's been three-timing her! Mr. King Douche was also cheating on his girlfriend back home (the one who called). Ali kicks Justin off the show.
Ty scores a rose on their one-on-one date to a Turkish bath, and Kirk, Chris, Roberto, and Craig get oily on the Turkish olive oil wrestling group date. Frank also lands a one-on-one date on which he and Ali go shopping. In the end, Craig heads home.
Roberto and Ali enjoy a one-on-one date at Castle Sao Jorge. Ty and Frank go on the episode's two-on-one date to the town of Obidos, where Ali and the guys dance with locals in traditional garb. It's not a rose-or-go date, because Ty goes buh-bye after the rose ceremony.
Ali visits Kirk's family in Wisconsin, Frank's family in Chicago, Roberto's family in Florida, and Chris L.'s family in Cape Cod. Kirk heads straight back home at the end of the episode.
Another twist! Frank eliminates himself after telling Ali he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend back home. Ali gets mad and there is no rose ceremony.
Ali picks her final man, which will be either Roberto or Chris L. Reality Steve wants to be sure before he drops the big bomb.