Melissa Schreiber desperately needs someone to guard and protect her heart — preferably by keeping it in a straitjacket.
As Michelle Money put it, Melissa doesn’t just wear her heart on her sleeve, she wears it on every piece of clothing she wears. And they all unraveled on Bachelor Pad Season 2, Episode 4. Her extreme emotions — and onion pizza breath — got her eliminated from The Bachelor Season 15 and the hysteria returned to get her Pavelka kicked off BP2.
Melissa could’ve used her woman-scorned position to her advantage, earning gentle sympathy votes instead of exhausted frustration from her Padmates. She could’ve made a move on someone else, like Erica Rose who went from kissing Jake Pavelka to massaging Blake Julian. (That’s our girl!) She could’ve done any number of things besides cry and yell, but that would be thinking rationally. Emotions have nothing to do with logic.
Blake, on the other hand, seems to think he’s being logical but he’s really being just as emotional, choosing the girl he finds hot over the girl who can make his life hell. But because of his callous disregard for other people’s feelings — he pinky swore to take Melissa on that date! — he’s not doing much better than Hurricane Melissa. He’s only still around because he won the kissing contest and, therefore, immunity. Otherwise, he’d have kicked rocks and our beloved Prince William Holman would still be around to say another five words or so on Episode 5. Blake chose the most sensitive girl in history to use for strategic purposes and he was surprised when she turned on him? Did he expect Melissa, of all people, to say “well played, sir” and move on?
At least we got a break from The Jake/Kasey/Vienna Show this week. However, that has been replaced with The Stag/Holly/Blake Show. And it isn’t much better. In fact, it’s more sad and mopey than the other show, which at least had some bite to it.
We really, really, really wanted some of The William Holman Show at some point, but that was apparently airing on an imaginary channel. Still, The Ella and Kirk Show is sounding better and better and there’s always the Team Money Bunns Show to get back to, whenever ABC actually wants us to enjoy our viewing time again.
Until then, it’s time to brush your teeth and read on for a full recap of the melodramatic Episode 4:
PICKING UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF LAST WEEK...
Chris Harrison says “Kasey,” meaning Kasey Kahl is safe at the rose ceremony. Jake has a few things to say before he goes. It’s time for another speech, just like when he was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars and took the microphone to have a grand exit.
Jake’s speech: “Guys, although we had a chance to do something really big tonight, really special, it just didn’t happen. I think you’re sending the wrong guy home. I want to encourage everybody, if you have a shot to win, you’re going to have to step up and do the right thing and start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with. Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies. My heart, forgiven.”
Funny how both he and Gia Allemand keep making speeches about the power couples when the only reason Kasey and Vienna are still in the game is because Jake and Gia refused to vote them out on the first week, when it would’ve been easy.
Despite telling the camera he would punch Jake in the mouth if he said anything to him, Kasey did nothing but say, oddly, that it showed who was the bigger person. Meaning himself? Hmm. Not sure that’s what it showed.
Now Kasey and Vienna are smug and happy. Gross. Erica Rose says everyone is sick of Kasey and Vienna, but that’s not news. It doesn’t mean they’re going home, either.
Chris claims this was the most popular competition last season. But this season no one wants to do it. Except Blake. Michelle has a 6-year-old daughter and she decides to sit this out as a good example for her. (Too late. You say no to Bachelor Pad when you want to set a good example.) She has the benefit of a strong alliance backing her, so it’s an easy decision to make. Ella, also a single mom, needs a win to survive since she doesn’t have that alliance.
Holly is the first girl brought up and blindfolded.
1. William is standing right next to Stag so he just gives Holly a peck.
2. Stag is next. He sounds delusional about Holly, but are his feelings for real?
3. Kirk just gives a peck
4. Graham gives a peck
Holly is upset that all the guys were kissing like “grandmas” out of respect for Stag. But then comes number five...
5. Blake lays it on Holly, going on and on with “the motion of the ocean” and other stuff that Stag calls “a nightmare.” Has Stag even met Holly? It sounds like she is the exact opposite of what he wants.
Blake was made for this challenge. He loved Ella's full lips and gave her a "baby-making" kiss, according to her. Is she dying for another baby? That's the second time she brought up a baby thing. When it was time to kiss Vienna, everyone just pecked her, except Kasey.
Blake is the first guy we see brought up to be blindfolded. Ella says the trick of a good kiss is a little bit of pressure, then pull back, then a little more pressure, pull back. Then a little bit of tongue. Erica and her maintained, injected lips go to town on everyone. Kirk called the kiss aggressive and sloppy and her boobs were touching him. Are these bad things? Everyone said Kasey had bad breath. Did he down some garlic on purpose, to stop them from sucking his face? That sounds like the kind of thing he would do out of misguided loyalty.
Stag's obsession with Holly is already getting annoying. He knew which one was Holly and she really gave him a good smooch. So is she leading him on or what? She also gave Blake a pretty big smooch. She loves shiny and new things. She didn't want to stop kissing Blake and it did look like she was giving him mouth-to-mouth. Can he breathe?
Chris said the man and the woman who won did so with an overwhelming majority of the votes.
Female winner: Ella
Male winner: Blake
ELLA’S DATE WITH KIRK
Date card: “Your future is up in the air.”
Ella is here to win the money but she’s also a hopeless romantic. Kirk is her strategic partner, so it makes sense to choose him for the date. They get a gorgeous sports car to drive. Just like last season. Ella is the driver. William is jealous and wishes he had been more of a man-whore in the kissing contest. True dat, Billy boy.
They have a pizza and s’mores date by a fire. They talk about Ella’s son, Ethan, who is 9 and hanging out with his dad right now. When asked what he’d do with the money, Kirk tells his mold sickness story again (he told Ali Fedotowsky on The Bachelorette Season 6). It gave him a new appreciation for life. His parents paid for the medical bills and the money means a lot to him.
With part of the $250K, Ella would buy herself and Ethan a house. With another part of money she’d do something for battered women. She retells the story of her mother’s murder. It’s only $250K and possibly split down the middle like last season, so sorry but it won’t go *that* far.
Kirk gets a rose, which clashes with his hot pink tie. Then they have a hot air balloon ride in their back yard. So jealous. They kiss.
BLAKE’S DATE WITH MELISSA, ER, HOLLY
Melissa assumes she’s going on the date with Blake, who is her strategic partner. He realizes he made a huge mistake getting involved with her early on. He doesn’t want to send her mixed messages, but it’s kind of too late.
Right after his win, Melissa started kissing Blake’s Pavelka. So she has her own guilt-him-into-it strategy going on. She’s speaking in “we” about everything, assuming that she already gets a rose. Blake is now torn. Melissa will be “Mt. St. Helens” if he decides to date Holly instead.
Meanwhile, Erica — the self-proclaimed smartest girl in the house — is making her own move to save herself in this game. Since Jake is gone, she massages Blake and tells him if she was his partner she’d give him massages every day. Erica sells out Melissa but she doesn’t seem to realize it’s Holly in her way, not melodrama Meli. Blake is making out like a bandit on this show.
Date card: "Love is a slippery slope"
Blake says he hasn't played a "linear" game, clearly attempting to confuse the drunk Padawans, and then says with his mind toward winning this game, he would like to invite Holly. But that's the decision you make if you want to ensure you won't win. Unless he has a different definition of "win."
Melissa says Blake made her 800 promises and even made a pinky swear that he would take her on the date. He betrayed a pinky swear?! That's bad. Melissa gets upset and Michelle tries to calm her down. But it's not working. She also calls Holly a slutty-a** b*tch. Blake is now dead to Melissa. She wants him gone. This is why the Holly decision was a bad move. He's safe for this week, but that's it.
Poor Melissa. She’s way too emotional, but he just hurt and embarrassed her in front of everyone. Who wouldn’t be upset?
Everyone defends Holly all the time. The Holly worship doesn't make too much sense at this point. What happened to woman code? So Stag isn't a fan of Blake either, but he doesn't blame Holly. Melissa can probably get Blake gone eventually, but Holly is better protected. Holly tells Melissa she doesn't want to be with Blake, she just flirts with everyone. But she does want to get out of the house and it is a game. Holly is using the flirt strategy to get ahead. Hey, it works all the time on Survivor. Love how Melissa stalks Blake into the bathroom where the dentist is brushing his teeth.
It’d be nice if Holly and Blake took a flight far away from the Pad and didn’t return. Wouldn’t miss either one of them.
Holly doesn’t want to go skiing or snowboarding or anything in the snow since — despite dating pro snowboarder and Bachelorette 4 winner Jesse Csincsak — she doesn’t do those things. They have a cutesy date where she falls all the time. Holly says this is the best date she’s ever been on. Blake is enamored with Holly and had no thoughts about Stag. He’s never met a girl like her. They roll around in the snow. The words “new and exciting” come out of Holly’s mouth again. That’s this story in a nutshell. Meanwhile, Stag doesn’t know what he’s got till its gone. That’s his story in a nutshell. Getting tired of dealing with it.
At their little camp fire at night, Blake asks Holly where she stands with Stag. Walking into the show she didn't want anything to do with Michael, but things are starting to change. She was extremely heartbroken after their breakup and now she’s just confused.
Blake gives Holly a rose.
BACK AT THE RANCH … THE STAG AND HOLLY SHOW CONTINUES
Stag continues to say he misses Holly. She’s irreplaceable. Blah blah blah. He doesn’t want her to do the overnight part of the date. Too bad. He’s acting like they are dating and she is his girlfriend, but that’s not the case.
They reunite like she’s been gone for a month. It’s very soap opera. She can’t decide between her two guys. Stag tells her he’s fallen back in love with her. He says he left her because he was afraid but he’s not afraid anymore. She’s confused because he said he didn’t want them to get back together. Holly tells Stag she kissed Blake. He gets upset like it was some kind of betrayal, but is it?
WHO GOES HOME? COULD IT BE … MELISSA!
We’re back to the usual: girls vote off a guy, guys vote off a girl. Thankfully, Kasey and Vienna haven’t dominated the show so far. But now Ella is back trying to get Kirk and everyone else to get rid of Kasey and Vienna.
Erica is playing both sides. She calls Kasey conniving, trying to manipulate everyone in the house. But isn’t Erica doing the same thing? So now it sounds like it’s Kasey vs. William. Poor William! How did he get involved? How is he even an option? He’s no threat. Vienna calls William “dead weight.” But Bill makes a good argument — do you really want to keep someone who nags you about your vote every five minutes?
Vienna should be going home if they want to break up a power couple, but the guys don’t like how Melissa misread what it means to be in a strategic couple. Melissa goes through the house asking people how they are voting. William says he voted for her. Graham suggests Stag lie and say he voted for Erica. So Graham is a good strategic player, but he is a big ole honkin’ liar.
Melissa freaks out, asking everyone to save her. But she doesn’t get it. She’s not right for the strategic part of BP2. She just wanted the love part, like Jackie Gordon and Ames Brown. Poor Melissa.
Blake, Holly, Ella and Kirk already have roses.
Final roses left
Eliminated: Melissa and William
William isn’t sure he has enough deceit in him to do well on BP2. But he had enough of a comedy roaster and tattle-taler in him for The Bachelorette.
After Bill is eliminated, Michelle cries that he is the salt of the earth and didn’t deserve to be eliminated. So why didn’t you help save him? Michelle is also anti-Blake for causing so much animosity in the house. Of course Melissa cries in the limo out.
The couples get to play “The Nearlywed Game.” Stag wants to punch Blake in his ridiculous perfect teeth. But it’s too late for him to sweet talk Holly.