Time to bust our your skimpiest bikini, because Emily Maynard and her fleet of male escorts are going to Bermuda! This week, Em and her love child pack their bags and prepare for the vaycay of a lifetime.To quote Effie Trinket, may the odds be ever in your favor!
We've always had Travis Pope pegged as "Most Likely To Go Crazy And Kill Someone," but you guys? Doug is a man on the brink. This Desperate Daddy is lucky enough to score a solo date with Emily, and instead of mentally preparing for the most important day of his life (other than the birth of his son, but whatev), he gets into a bro-off with his fellow hustlers.
Poor Doug's panties are in a twist, but he puts his manmotions on the backburner to enjoy souvenir shopping with Emily. Really, ABC? Chris had to scale the side of a building, and Doug gets to buy bric-a-brac?
After a sunny afternoon mingling amongst the locals (read: commoners), Emily gives Doug a surprise and lets him write his son a postcard! Awww, with any luck he might even get a phone call! Of course, Doug's date isn't all fun and games. He and Emily sit down to a candlelit dinner, where she asks a series of romantic questions like "What does everyone hate about you?" to which he responds "I'm just Doug."
Well, duh that response is worthy of a flower. Next!
Sea Of Love
There's nothing we love more than shirtless hotties setting sail on the high seas, so yes: We jumped for joy as Emily made the bachelors race each other in a bid to steal her heart. The stakes? The winning team gets extra eye-sexing time, and the losing team has to go back to the hotel, where they'll presumably oil each other up again.
The teams are broken down into Ryan, Kalon, Arie, and Jef (Team Yellow) vs. Travis, Charlie, Chris and Sean (Team Red). As you might expect, Team Yellow wins, all thanks to Jef Holm manning the hell out of his jib and hurting his delicate finger in the process. Someone call the love doctor.
Luckily, Jef survives his near-fatal finger injury, and The Yellow Team join Emily for an extra-special mating ritual. Let's break this date down: First, Ryan refers to Emily as a "trophy wife" (uncool), then Arie sticks his tongue down her throat, and finally Emily kisses the tip of Jef's finger while we clap our hands in glee. Naturally, Em is hypnotized by the power of Jef's coif and gives him the rose –– which sends Ryan into a jealous rage. To quote the man himself: "The tongue is a double-edged sword."
Also, in case you're wondering what the rest of the boys are up to, most of them are drowning in ennui. In Charlie's case, literally. We've never seen a grown man cry so hard.
Bermuda Love Triangle
Despite feasting on hotties day and night, Emily "She Wolf" Maynard is hungry for more. The only way to satiate her appetite is by double teaming John and Nate, aka Those Dudes You Forgot Were On The Show. Em takes her boy toys on an exclusive trip to some deathly cliffs by the Bermuda triangle, where she promptly makes them plummet into the water.
Don't worry, no one dies. In fact, everyone has a great time frolicking in the ocean and yes, Emily's hair looks amazing wet. Think Ariel in The Little Mermaid, not to be confused with Arie Luyendyk, Jr.
After cavorting in the water and traumatizing several dolphins (we assume), Emily takes John and Nate to Bermuda's oldest cave for dinner. Because nothing says romance like dripping stalagmites, right? At this point, John and Nate get some alone time with Emily, but sadly Nate is unable to impress her with his flashy pink shirt and copious tears. Adios, muchacho!
Sigh, it's time for the Rose Ceremony, otherwise known as the most stressful five minutes of our lives. We hate seeing the bachelors leaving broken hearted, especially when undue amounts of ugly-crying are involved. This week is especially tough, mostly because there is major internal drama within the ranks. Ryan shows his true colors when he tells Michael about his dream of being The Bachelor, and then Doug and Chris get into a bro-off about who's more mature.
The silver lining? Jef spends the entire rose ceremony wearing pleated shorts and knee-socks and we get to watch Sean stick the tip of his tongue in Emily's mouth from every angle possible.
Now comes the hard part. After Emily consults her shrine of Bachelor portraits, she heads to Rose Ceremony Central to deliver some real talk. So, which unlucky gents are deflowered? Charlie, Michael, and Michael's ponytail. See you in our dreams, fellas!