Desiree Hartsock's season of The Bachelorette is almost upon us, which means the time has come to get high on rose petals, make a macaroni noodle portrait of Chris Harrison's face, and prepare for the emotional ride of our lives.

We can't wait to sit down with a slice of pizza (by which we mean an entire pizza) and watch Desiree's love journey. But real talk: If girlfriend's season doesn't feature at least three of the five items on this list, we might have to write Chris Harrison a letter of complaint. Which would be tragic, because dude never answers our letters. Or our phone calls. Or our texts.

5. At Least One Emotional Breakdown

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Everyone in Bachelor Mansion has so many feelings. Probably because their white wine is spiked with Chris Harrison's teardrops. Who knows whether it's the surplus throw pillows, the fact that everything is candlelit, or the fact that everyone is 50 shades of drunk, but men tend to get in touch with their emotions on The Bachelorette –– and Desiree's season should be no exception! With any luck, at least one of Des' dashing gents will start dry-heaving into her bosom while chatting about a) his abandoned love child, b) the fact that he was adopted, c) his crush on Jesus, or d) the sunset.

4. Shirtless Beach Frolicking

The Bachelorette isn't complete without nomadic packs of sexy men frolicking around the beach while giggling, flexing their abs, posturing their pecs, and splashing each other with possibly contaminated water. In fact, this is the main reason we watch the show — and when we say "watch the show," we mean make out with our television while trying not to suffer electric shock. The good news? Desiree's harem of hotties are fit and fine, so we're thinking shirtlessness will abound!

 

3. Near-Death Experiences

Bachelor Mansion is a dangerous place, complete with terrifying things like evil stairs who want to trip you, tepid fountains that would love nothing more than to drown you, and huge amounts of decorative pillows waiting to smother you. This is why at least one contestant per season ends up face-planting, flailing around in a panic, and more often than not being hauled off to a hospital. (By which we mean mental institution.) Of course, we don't want anyone to get hurt, but we wouldn't say no to brief bout of hypothermia –– or even an accidental groin injury stemming from too much pelvic thrusting.

 

2. An Epic Bro-Off

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There's nothing more wonderful than a Bachelorette group date –– especially when said group dates involve various feats of strength. Remember that time Sean Lowe dressed up in a kilt and threw that log across a mountain in Croatia? Exactly. With any luck, Desiree's potential lovers will demonstrate their skills through some kind of shirtless competition. Our dream? That they'll dress up in banana hammocks and hurl coconuts at each other in slow motion. It's a work-in-progress fantasy –– we're obviously open to suggestions.

 

5. Oh Yeah, Some Romance

We can't wait for Des to take her dates on a few romantic one-on-ones, preferably involving hot tubs, underwater dry-humping (aka wet humping), and tender make-out sessions. Desiree is a pretty romantic gal, so her future husbands better step up if they want to impress her. One word: Journaling. The Bachelorette contestants love nothing more than logging their deepest thoughts and then reading them aloud next to a candelabra, and hopefully Des will get a double dose of feelings this season!