The moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived. We suggest you surround yourself with the following: Cheez-its, tissues, a body pillow, and a giant cardboard cutout of Jef Holm.
After weeks of rapid blinking, white wine spritzers, freshly waxed chests, and more sequined dresses that we can count, Emily Maynard has finally narrowed her pool of twenty five hotties down to Arie and Jef. Now, she's faced with the impossible task of choosing just one stud to fall in love with, and you know what that means. Feelings. So many feelings. Feelings on the beach, feelings in the middle of the woods, and feelings all over Chris Harrison's shoulders.
Meet The Parents
OMG, you guys, "She Who Must Not Be Named" (aka Ricki) has arrived! And even better? She's brought Emily's mom and pops with her, who are basically the sweetest parental units anyone could ask for. We have no idea what Ricki's been up to since we last saw her, but thank God she's back in action because Tan Mom is in desperate need of advice. Here's what goes down:
Jef sits down with Emily's family for a feast, wherein everyone pretends to eat burgers (except for Em's brother, Ernie, who actually eats his burger — HAS HE EVEN SEEN THIS SHOW), and as you might expect, Jef makes a great impression. Despite the fact that Em's parents don't understand the concept of "hipster," they think Jef and his skinny jeans are totally groovy, and Emily's dad even gives him his blessing!
It's hard for anyone to top Jef, but Arie "Dolphin Slayer" Luyendyk Jr. is about to get Emily's motor running. Arie shows up to meet Em's parents with a box full of decaying roses, and then proceeds to wax poetic about his love for Emily and their mutually burning loins. Not only does Arie make a great impression, Em's dad forgets that he gave Jef his blessing, and goes ahead and gives it to Arie as well.
Unfortunately, Em's family love both Jef and Arie — but they don't want her to marry either of them. Don't you people understand this lady wants more kids? If her womb isn't fertilized sometime this year, she might have to steal one of Angelina Jolie's children.
Jef & Ricki: Friends 4EVA
Time for Emily's final date with Jef, which is filled with just as many neon caftans as usual. These tropical love birds meet up on the beach to have a romantic picnic, wherein Emily talks about her feelings, and Jef interrupts her to talk about way more important things, like his feelings. Specifically, the fact that he's been "thinking about Ricki every day" and presumably wants to braid her cornrows. Luckily, Jef persuades Emily to let him see the Rickster, and what follows is the most adorable moment in Bachelorette history.
First, Jef high fives Ricki and we high fives ourselves while weeping. Then Ricki somersaults in the water like a small merchild, Jef puts on pink goggles, and everyone frolics gleefully. But the best part? When Jef and Ricki stick some innocent snails into one of Emily's wine glasses and release them into the wild. Be free, snail friends!
After a great day of shirtless bonding, Jef and Emily head to dinner to real talk about how he wants nothing more than to sow his seed in her fantasy suite. Then Jef says "thanks for everything you've ever done in your whole life" and gives her a travel book about Curacao. Uh, diamonds are a girl's best friend, Jef. Put a ring on it.
And The Winner Is....
The time has come for Emily to stroll the beaches with Arie. The problem? She's "positive" that she's in love with the one and only JEF HOLM! Halleluja, hipster angels are singing on high! Of course this means Emily has to break up with Arie, so she wanders into the woods to sit on a log and weep profusely before breaking his heart. Meanwhile, Arie ambles over to a garden to pluck flowers and make Emily a love potion, and it's just like: Our hearts. Our hearts.
Emily and Arie both handled themselves well during the breakup, but that doesn't stop it from being almost as tragic as that time Arie dressed up like Katniss from The Shakespearean Hunger Games.
But it's time to move on, because guys? Please join cyber-hands with us and picture this:
Emily, standing on the a be-flowered alter like a greek goddess, as Jef saunters up, and finally hears her drop the L-word all over his coif. So, what does Jef do? Oh, just present her with a 150k Neil Lane diamond ring, no biggie except it's a huge biggie! Now, excuse us while we go write a million things in our dream journal and make a trillion gifs of Emily and Jef making out.