It's that time of the year again, ladies n' gents! The Bachelorette is back for a summer of guilty pleasure, WTF moments,and mouth-watering hunks –– and now it's time to figure out which eligible bachelors are at the front of the pack.
We've ranked the most powerful players from the season premiere based on their sex-appeal, personality, and variable degrees of insanity. Check it out!
Name: Randy Lee
Pros: He came dressed as an old lady.
Cons: He came dressed as an old lady.
Name: Charlie Grogan
Pros: Tiny Tim has a traumatic past, which puts him into the category of "super-stud."
Cons: He seems slightly introspective, which gives us cause for concern. Emily already spends too much time crying and staring into the distance, and we're hoping she'll find someone who will slap a smile on her face.
Name: Michael Nance
Pros: Is Michael likely to win Emily's heart? Not a chance in hell; he has long hair. Is he an adorable hippie who probably plays the acoustic guitar? Yes, ergo we love him.
Cons: That hair. Oh, that hair. Put it away, Music Mike.
Name: Ryan Bowers
Pros: Unlike his competition, Ryan seems mentally stable. We love that he thinks of himself as a mentor, because honestly? Emily's therapeutic tenure with Chris Harrison has to end at some point, and lord knows she needs someone to talk to about her loneliness.
Cons: Emily didn't seem particularly enthused by Ryan –– probably because she was emotionally traumatized by that one dude who danced at her with a boombox.
Name: Travis Pope
Pros: We've already spent a lot of time talking about, thinking about, and dreaming about Travis Pope and his egg baby, and all we can say is: We approve. With any luck, Travis will pull a Game of Thrones and hatch a dragon out of that bad boy.
Cons: Might be insane in the membrane.
Name: Kalon McMahon
Pros: Kalon is making it rain all over Emily, and we're only one episode into the season. Can you imagine what he'll get up to if she keeps giving him roses? Their first date will be on a boat made of recycled diamond grills, and that he'll probably buy Ricki a unicorn. We do, Kalon! We do!
Cons: He's a show-off and deserves to be hazed by the other bachelors. We vote that they put his hand in warm water so he wakes up in pee.
Name: Alejandro Velez
Pros: You might be wondering why Alejandro even made this list, let alone nabbed the number four spot. After all, he barely had any alone time with Emily and he was one of the last people to get a rose. Two words: Mushroom farmer. We rest our case.
Cons: It's possible that Alejandro reeks of mushrooms, in which case smelling deliscious is his only crime.
Name: Doug Clerget
Pros: Doug and Emily are both single parents, which means they'll have tons to bond about during the inevitable picnics that Chris Harrison will force them to go on. Furthermore, Dougy won us over by reading Austin's love letter to Emily, otherwise known as The Great American Novel.
Cons: Austin loves himself a cougar, and we're not sure Doug can handle the competition.
Name: Arie Luyendyk, Jr.
Pros: Look into Arie's soulful European eyes and tell us you aren't in love. Boyfriend is a total man babe, and we can't wait to see what he's hiding under that leather jumpsuit.
Cons: Arie seems slightly cocky, and we mean that in more ways than one.
Name: Jef Holm
Pros: Aside from his adorable Elvis-style hair coif and the fact that he's a do-gooder, Jef won us over with his sweet personality and the fact that he's behaves like a pre-teen. We haven't seen someone demonstrate such amazing skateboarding skills since Travis Birkenstock circa Clueless.
Cons: He seems to think distressed denim blouses are appropriate men's wear... and he seems to be correct. That's right, this con is secretly a pro.