You guys, the men are telling all. What does that mean? It means that Emily Maynard has strapped herself into a Herve Leger dress, and is filming a giant reunion special with all the randoms she's made out with. Oh, and Chris Harrison is hosting. It's kind of like The Hunger Games when Seneca Crane interviews Peeta and Katniss, except more pressure and less eminent death.
Also, we see you middle-aged ladies in the audience. We see you, and we love you.
Don't worry, it's just some interview footage of Emily talking about "mom stuff,' wherein she puts blush all over Ricky's face and presumably cornrows her hair into a million rastafarian braids. She also muses about her various bachelors while a fireplace full of candles (whoa, fire art) burns in the background. The main topic of conversation? That one time when Doug wandered off into the great unknown to find Patty Mayonnaise.
Unseen footage must be code for "A Million LOLs Made Out Of Unicorns" because it's clearly the best part of the evening. Emily spills white wine on her dress and says "f*ck y'all" to the camera, Travis and Em tuck Shelley into bed while singing Twinkle Twinkle, and best of all? Arie's younger brothers peep on him like weird European pervs from the land of s'Hertogenbosch. Oh, and Em does "the running man" in Bermuda while wearing a giant white Jesus romper.
The boys are back in town, y'all, and it's just like... who are you people? Seriously, it takes us about 30 seconds to recognize half of them, and we were too distracted by The Wolf's bright pink pants to even notice anyone else. But important things are happening, guys. Kalon's evil veneers are in the hot seat, where they're joined by sinister violin music and some delicate tea-lights. Poor dude tries to defend himself, but then all his homies get up in his face, and Tony The Lumberjack basically starts crying in a fit of emotional instability.
Ryan got a bad rap for calling Emily a Trophy Wife, but all we remember is that time he told her that the "world is a pearl." Basically we love Ryan's new side-parted Mad Men hair, we love all the "wordly gifts" he's been blessed with, and we love that he can laugh at himself! In fact, he even admits that he didn't like Emily all that much, so stop shaking your head in disapproval, bitter old lady in the audience. In conclusion, we'll leave you with the following quote: "I found my journal the other day, and how excited I was."
Chris Cries (On The Inside)
We've given Chris a hard time about, you know... his multiple personalities — but dude is just misunderstood. He's a misunderstood, balcony-loving, tender-loving angel. Turns out, Chris was actually head-over-Toms for Emily, and then his heart was broken into a bazillion Ricki-sized pieces. And shhh, he's still tearful about it — despite the fact that he spent this past month making out with hillbillies on Bachelor Pad 3.
Sean Struts His Single Stuff
We miss Sean so much. Poor guy is still having feelings for Emily (so many feelings!), and not even a million bouquets of roses will make him better. Sean worries that he's inadequate, and we want to be the first to tell him that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That light is called Pizza Bagel Bites, and they are your new best friend.
Emily Ties Up Loose Ends
It's time for Emily to greet her love nest for one final hurrah. Here's what goes down: Sean and Emily have a heart-to-heart about their pure love, Chris thanks Emily for opening his eyes to love, Doug apologizes for getting his mack on during their breakup, and Emily tells Kalon that he's full of bullsh*t. She also insults his rented helicopter, which is why we have to end this recap. Kalon shade shall not be thrown in our presence.
But before we go, you should know that Emily is attracted to homeless people. May the odds be ever in your favor, girl!