The time has come for us to take a journey to Emily's World, a terrifying place where people blink way too much (albeit sweetly) — and herds of eligible bachelors frolick shirtless by the pool while rubbing oil on their chests.
Most of Emily Maynard's menfolk get along with each other (though we're sensing some major tension between Boombox Stevie and Kash Money Kalon), and, this week, two lucky dudes get to go on solo dates!
Give a round of applause for Ryan, who scored Emily's first solo date of the season! It's basically like The Sorting Hat gave him Gryffindor without even thinking about it. Ryan's super pumped about his big date with Em, but little does he know that he has to bake cookies for Ricki's soccer team while wearing an apron. Whoa, gender roles, guys. We might need to write a thesis about this.
Obviously, cookie time is just an excuse for Em to eat carbs without Chris Harrison yelling at her, but she and Ryan bond during a romantic dinner, wherein they have a beautiful chat about how she isn't a prize (minus the fact that she actually is. No, literally).
But wait, what's that we hear? The dulcet tones of country music? Oh, it's just Gloriana, a band you've never heard of that totally (epically) c*ck blocks Ryan as he tries to mack on Emily. Well in your face, Gloriana, because Ryan earned himself a rose and dipped Emily at the end of their dance. There's no stopping him!
A Muppet Bachelorette Carol
Credit: ABC/ANGELINE HERRON
In the words of The Spice Girls, if you wanna get with me, you gotta get with my friends. Emily only has a handful of friends (who say things like "Just be yourself and everything will fall into place" — yeah, okay, this is national television) and her own sweet girl, Ricki, but whatever. Emily needs a man who isn't afraid of having fun, which is why she forces all her prospective buddies to battle it out during a group date with The Muppets! So what's on the agenda? A performance with Miss Piggy herself, AKA Emily's arch nemesis.
Em forces her bachelors to divide into groups, and then makes them suffer the horrible humiliation of "acting." Unfortunately, Charlie gets a severe case of performance anxiety because he has a disability (you guys, his brain), but don't worry — the gang put on a great show, complete with slam poetry and a makeout session between Emily and Kermit! Oh, also Ricki was at the show, but don't worry — everyone completely ignored her, except the limelight.
So, who got the Group Date Rose? None other than Jef With One F Holm, who spent most of the evening with his feet up, all, "Whatever, I'm gonna chillax in my desert boots and enjoy all these candles that surround me." Well played.
Time for solo date number two! This time 'round, it's Joe who has the pleasure of being swept off his feet by Emily, and they hit up her favorite resort in West Virginia for dinner in a fabulous ballroom. And by fabulous, we mean totally awkward. Emily and Joe read each other inspirational notes under a "Love Clock" — which is basically like Cogsworth from Beauty and The Beast only not as fun — and then sit down for the worst convo ever.
Unfortunately, Emily isn't impressed by Joe's charms, possibly because he seems totally horrified when she mentions wanting to have more babies. More importantly, Joe doesn't give Em stomach butterflies, which is almost as bad as him not giving her stomach unicorns. Sigh, looks like this guy isn't getting a rose, and Emily's once again left all alone with a fireworks display as her only friend.
PS: Doug and Kalon got into a fight while Em and Joe were on their date, but fist-pumping wasn't involved, so.... next!
The Rose Ceremony
It's that time of the month again, ladies. Emily has to choose five men to deflower — but first comes copious binge-drinking and flirting. Most of Em's suitors have been waiting hours for a face-to-face, so she hits up Arie, reads a 7-page tome from Ryan, and has a brief moment with Tony The Lumberjack before picking up her roses and taking lives breaking hearts.
So, which unlucky gents head home? Aaron The Biology Teacher and Kyle The Possible Virgin. Sayonara, studs! Tune in next week to find out who will be booted out of Em's love nest, and more importantly, whether Jef will show up in Chucks or Jacks.