Breaking: Ricki has been banished out of Emily's love nest, presumably because someone finally noticed that she was being traumatized by man-scarves and empty boxes of white wine.

In other news, welcome to the city of Dubrovnik, Croatia — a beautiful fishing village that will serve as the backdrop for The Highland Games, in which the bachelors dress in skirts and knee socks (Jef's daily uniform), and challenge each other to various feats of strength. Prepare to pass out onto your Sean Shrine in a fit of swoons! What? You know you have one.

Eggciting Times In Croatia

Credit: ABC via WENN

Despite going on a recent ostrich egg murder spree (never forgive, never forget), Travis manages to score a one-on-one date with Emily. In fact, she even delivers the date card herself, that's how hilarious she finds this entire situation. Emily wants Travis to "look for love beyond the walls" which we assume means "beyond the walls of Chris Harrison's prison" (OMG, they're escaping!), so they go sight-seeing amongst their royal subjects. How quaint! Then Emily takes Travis on a walk along the ramparts and he resists the urge to push her off. Seriously, this dude killed an egg. Do. Not. Trust.

After a beautiful day getting their groove on while a traumatized fiddler watches in horror, Emily drags Trav to an ancient fort for dinner, where he rambles about his ex-fiance and the nature of luv. Awkward! So, does Travis get the rose? Obviously not; he's obsessed with eggs. What are you thinking?

By the way, has anyone noticed that Emily keeps taking her boyfriends on dates in dungeons and castles? It's getting weird.

She's So Highland Games

Credit: ABC/NICK RAY

Everyone, it's time to prepare for the most WTF-beautiful group date in Bachelorette history. It involves skirts, knee socks, fire arrows, and log-throwing — so basically it's like The Hunger Games but with more ab-flashing and less shorties named Peeta. It all starts when Emily carousels her stallions and herds them to an advanced viewing of Disney's new flick, Brave. You might think Ricki would be invited, but she was stuck at home writing existential poems about how her real name is Josephine.

After watching the movie, Emily forces her suitors to dress in kilts and ride on small mules, and then they compete in their very own version of The Highland Games — which someone needs to turn into a series of GIFs immediately. Let's just say, this is the spiciest sausage fest ever. First, the boys compete in archery, then log-throwing, and finally stick-pulling, which sounds a lot dirtier than it is. Obviously, Sean owns every competition, but Emily presents Chris with the trophy because the experience was so emasculating for him. Poor little dude.  

After basking in humiliation and plaid (obviously Jef was in heaven), the gang celebrate with some binge drinking and Emily ends up wandering into a strange and deserted alleyway with Arie, who shoves her up against a wall for one of their customary makeout sessions. But forget about Arie (love you, buddy), because then Emily snuggles under a blanket with Jef, who utters the beautiful words "you give me the type of feeling that people write novels about." Our hearts = AUUGGGGHHHHH.

Also, for some reason Chris gets the group date rose. Guess being terrible at Scottish sports has its perks, y'all.

May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor!

As if this episode wasn't already good enough, Ryan scores a one-on-one date with Emily and pretty much blows our minds with his lust for life and oyster shucking skills. Ryan is super psyched about his date with Em, and he couldn't be fist-pumping harder about their drive up the coast, where they meet n' greet with their fans and drive really....really... slowly.

After taking photos at the top of a mountain, Emily spits oysters off the side of a boat (we are thinking so many R-rated things right now....and so is Ashley Spivey), listens to Ryan call her a trophy wife again, and then the dynamic duo have a romantic dinner where Ryan reads her a list of his requirements for a wife. But, does Ryan get a rose? Unfortunately not, though being deflowered doesn't stop him for lecturing Emily about his "wordly gifts."   

But wait! Just when you think the night is over, Arie shows up at Emily's hotel for sloppy seconds, declares his love, nabs himself a secret rose, and makes out with her in bed! If there was an Indy 500 for Tonsil Hockey, dude would win.

The Rose Ceremony

Credit: Video Still

Time for the Rose Ceremony, sigh. We've become pretty attached to all these studs and their muffins, so suffice to say we're pretty emotional. This week, John and Doug are on the bubble, but Emily shocks everyone and decides not to send either of them home! That's right, in yo' face Chris Harrison, Emily makes her own rules.

Who knows what made this gal have a change of heart, but we attribute it to the random feral cats that wander the streets of Croatia. They spoke to her.