Another day, another fabulous episode of The Bachelorette. This week, Emily Maynard put her brothel of bros to the test by forcing them to hang out with small children. You know, to make sure they're suitable fathers to that sweet girl Ricki who occasionally pops up on screen.
Em also treats two lucky gents to solo dates — and let's just say one of them gets her motor running. Hint: It's Arie. Get it, because he's a race car driver? Laugh out loud!
Like A Skyscraper
As Emily has reminded us several times, she's pretty much an old maid. Girl is already 26 (practically menopausal), and she needs a man, like, yesterday. Luckily, Chris is ready to make all her dreams come true, so she invites him to a romantic rooftop dinner! The catch? Emily makes Chris scale the side of a building to get there — during a thunderstorm. Look, all of us have erotic fantasies about Spiderman, but must we risk studly lives while playing them out? Also, we need to point out that Chris looks great in a harness, which will doubtless come in handy later.
Luckily Chris leads Emily to safety and she's rewarded with a huge glass of wine and a high five! Even better? Em and Chris share a romantic dinner and a sweet kiss while slow dancing to Luke Bryant — yet another one of Emily's "favorite bands." Too bad her fave isn't Beyonce, because we'd love to see Blue Ivy take down Ricki.
So, does Chris get the rose despite the fact that he's like twelve years old? Of course he does — those manicured eyebrows are irresistible!
The Babysitters' Club
While Emily treats Chris to a romantic near death experience, the rest of her bachelors do what they do best. Hang around semi-shirtless and get their bromance on. Also, we're starting to get seriously concerned about Tony, who seems to be on the brink of an emotional breakdown — but more on that later. First, Emily has to escort her hotties to their group date!
Em takes Jef Holm (oh, and everyone else) to a local park, where they prepare for an interrogation session with her biffles. These ladies have Emily's back, so they subject the bachelors to various humiliating tasks (if stripping one's shirt off counts as humiliation, which it doesn't) and report back to Emily. The verdict? Sean, Ryan and Doug are future hubby material. Psh, tell us something we don't know.
After the best friend test, Emily breaks out her wild card: A fleet of deranged children for the bachelors to play with. We have several concerns, but first on the list: Where are these kids' parents?
After a fun day on the playground, Emily gets to know Doug, who tells her his traumatic life story. But forget him — it's time to talk about Tony, who pretty much spirals down into a fit of ugly-crying because he misses his kid. At this point, Em has to cut the cord and deflower Tony out of compassion, and she decides to give Sean the group date rose. Power of the 6-pack, people!
Also, PSA: Egg Man is back and he named his embryo "Shelley."
Life In The Fast Lane
Emily's about to kick her relationship into third gear with our favorite racecar driver, Arie Luyendyk, Jr.! He's the lucky recipient of her second solo date, which involves an impromptu trip to Dollywood — AKA Emily's place of worship.
After strolling around the park and enjoying some moments of silent prayer ("Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeene"), Dolly herself pops up for a surprise concert, and blows Emily's mind with a personalized song and "girl talk" session. Oh Dolly, never change.
Clearly, being in the presence of her guru puts Em in the mood for luvin', because she's all over Arie during their romantic dinner in the hay. No seriously, they are literally eating in a barn — which apparently turns Emily on because she shoves her tongue down Arie's throat during a carousel ride! Yikes, the Dollywood janitorial staff are in for a long night.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue Like Jeff's Eyes
It's time for the rose ceremony! We know, we know, worst 10 minutes ever, but grab a box of tissues because things are about to get real. We start off with the usual antics — white wine, protestations of love, and the occasional pervy comment. But then Alessandro has the audacity to throw shade at Ricki, Kalon interrupts Emily while she's talking — and even worse? Egg Man smashes Shelley on the sidewalk. Sigh, at least Emily has Sean and Arie's pouty lips to comfort her.
So, which unlucky guys won't be joining Emily next week in Bermuda? Say a fond farewell to Stevie (sad face!) and Alessandro, who gets booted for sleeping with his cousin and calling Ricki a "compromise." Yep, he slept with his cousin. We'll leave it at that.