Listen, we’re not perfect. Ryan Bowers would not approve of our butts’ lack of gym time and we can Hulk out as much as grouchy Doug Clerget. However, were not on The Bachelorette Season 8 — and as much as we’re loving Emily Maynard’s “journey” so far, there are a few things we want to start seeing or this experience will basically be an extended vacation for Em and her one true love — Dolly Parton shopping little Ricki. The show is pre-taped, so it’s too late for Em and men to take action on these points, but as we reach the second half of the season (yes, next week’s Episode 5 is just about the halfway mark) we’re crossing our fingers that somewhere along the way they came to these same conclusions.
1. Kiss the girl
So far Arie Luyendyk, Jr., and Sean Lowe are the only guys consistently kissing Emily. The season is halfway through so, by now, it’d be nice if Emily had sparks with more than one guy. A lot of the guys are too shy and maybe intimidated to make a move, unintentionally falling into the same trap as Brad Womack back on Em’s hometown date on The Bachelor. Remember when he didn’t want to kiss Em because Ricki was asleep upstairs? Maybe there’s something about Em that just sends “keep away” signals. If no one makes a move by next week, she should take the initiative herself.
2. Enough with the job interview questions
If Emily isn’t interviewing for a nanny or a sperm donor, she should consider changing the tone of her one-on-one conversations. Maybe that’s why there’s been so little kissing on the dates! At this point, she seems to have the most connection with Arie, but even on her first date with him she was more into Dolly Parton. She grills the guys like a professional headhunter. Yeah, it’s important to have all the information for a good decision at the end — and we love how tough she is when the guys try to back out of a tough question — but she can’t forget that this isn’t just about finding someone to fit into her life with Ricki, it’s about seeing if there’s a real, natural friendship and romance there. Who can she have fun with? Ricki — and future kids — will move out of the house someday and Em will be left with this guy. She should probably like him for who he is and have him like her for who she is instead of wrapping all things around his preparedness for instant fatherhood. Ryan was actually right to question whether she was right for him. Em seems wonderful, but she’s admitted she has no real hobbies, so what is she offering the men besides her beauty and willingness to have more babies, like, yesterday? She needs to show the men who she is and let them be themselves too instead of acting like a recruiter, older sister, scolding mom, polite hostess — or anything other than potential girlfriend/fiancee/wife.
3. Please stop crying
It’s like the guys this season either have an excess of testosterone or estrogen and there’s little in between. The crying is really getting out of hand. It’s good that Emily isn’t crying, but how sad that she keeps having to pet her men and say “awww” or “bless your heart” and tell them how sweet and cute they are. She is not adopting a puppy, she’s trying to find a husband. Tony Pieper cried several times while missing his son last week. Charlie Grogan seemed to get emotional after losing the Episode 4 group date sailing race. And Nate Bakke randomly started tearing up talking about his family during his 2-on-1 date with Emily and John Wolfner. Man up, guys. Seriously.
4. Re-style the men to look better
Emily isn’t the only one who should have to look perfect. This is a television show and Emily’s wardrobe budget was the highest ever at $350,000 — so it’s not too much to ask that her bachelors have decent hair and unshiny faces for our viewing pleasure. They’re starting to look too red from the heat and maybe a little haggard from lack of sleep. Just give them some powder, concealer, combs, maybe a little less gel or just differently applied gel. And come on — you take guys with bodies like Sean’s to Bermuda and hide them under red and yellow shirts? Were they on Team McDonald’s? Emily’s friend Wendy would be appalled (sidebar: More Wendy!). The guys on this season are actually pretty hot but they are hiding the goods. This is about Emily finding love — but it’s also about us finding eye candy for 10 weeks. We’re still waiting.
5. Get rid of the stragglers
Who is Alejandro Velez? Why is Travis Pope, the Bermuda-dancing egg guy, still there? Why keep Ryan and Kalon McMahon when it’s clear they are just there for drama and Emily is turned off by their overconfidence and “condescending” comments. Everyone can tell those guys aren’t going to end up with Emily, so just cut them loose already. Focus the attention on the real players. Get us down to just a half dozen real contenders and give those guys three or four one-on-one dates before hometowns instead of the usual one or two, so Emily has a real chance of seeing who they really are — and vice versa. Everyone keeps saying how special Emily is as the show’s first single mom, so treat her like she’s special and take her search seriously.