Every guy who appears on The Bachelorette is his own special flower, with potential to bloom and grow and turn into the love of some lucky girl’s life (or summer). But even though we can’t wait to meet all these great guys who are about to walk into our lives on Season 9, we have a feeling we might already know some of them.
And because it’s that time of year where the snow melts and we get to see all the new life blossoming below, the future of our entertainment landscape emerging its special little head, we’ve decided to paint all the potential inside the lines. This is what we’re used to seeing, so why would there be anyone different?
1. The Entrepreneur — AKA “Fame Whore”
Oh, hey there. He didn’t even see you at first, his eyes were so focused on the prize. Oh no, girl, not you. But now that you mention it, you are beautiful. Your soul, well, it’s just shining through. What’s this you ask? Just his journal. It’s where he writes all of his best ideas. You see, there are these people in this one place and they need something that only he can give them. Kind of like the Bachelorette.
Who could fit in this category? Jef Holm. Justin "Rated-R" Rego, too, if you take out all the commentary that could be interpreted as nice and add a soul patch.
2. The Jock — He’s super psyched to be here.
WHOO! Let’s DO THIS, right guys?! Bring on any physical challenge and this guy has it on LOCK. Wanna go for a run. He’s IN! Dodgeball? ON IT. Care to throw a log? YES, yes he would. But that’s not all there is to him. He also loves brightly colored polo shirts and possibly hates your rights. But what he lacks in love for civil liberties, he probably makes up for in dimples.
Yep, you guessed it, our example is fueled by Ryan Bowers.
3. The Sensitive Single Dad — Tears included
It’s just. It’s just so hard to be here, sometimes, you know? Because, well, his whole life has been about his son. Aww, yeah, it’s been so rewarding though. Do you maybe wanna see a picture? Great, because he has nineteen. Here, see this one? This was the moment he realized he was put on earth to guide and shepherd his son through life. Oh, and this one, this one is his favorite. Yep, that’s him and his son, learning to be men, together.
Examples: Tony Pieper, Doug Clerget.
4. The Model — He’s more than just a pretty face.
Wondering why he exited the limo on the other side? Oh, glad you asked. The light off the wet driveway stones really brings out his strong jawline. And why is he always on the left side of your screen? Thanks for noticing. His right side is really the money side, although he’ll do nude if you ask.
Example: Like, half the people on the show.
5. The Artist — He just wants you to understand.
It’s really nice to meet you, and, um, he wrote you a song... and drew you this picture. Also, here’s an interpretive dance he just made up of all the feelings he feels about a love like this one. You see, it looks so small, so limited, it sounds like nothing at all. But if you look closely, you’ll see the potential. It can only grow from here. Which reminds him of what he wants to say, but hasn’t found the words yet, can he play you something on his ukulele?
Examples: Michael Stagliano, Michael Nance, some guys who fit in the next category, probably.
6. The “Wait, who?” Guy — You know the type. Right?
This guy might be hilarious. He may be a huge hit with the other guys in the house, but when it comes to screen time, the producers aren’t ponying up, and the audience doesn’t even notice him. Maybe every time he’s onscreen, we have to check on our wine box and we miss him, but for some reason he doesn’t register. Funny enough, though, he sticks around way longer than you would’ve predicted.
Examples: Alejandro Velez, Reid Rosenthal, Craig Robinson.