The Bachelorette is almost over, and we are currently in a shame spiral due to the amount of time we've spent looking at shirtless pics of Jef Holm. We can barely contain our gentle tears, and the only thing that's making us feel better is a) writing in our dream journal, b) the looming WTF promise of Bachelor Pad 3, and c) this roundup of the 10 biggest OMG moments of the season.
Alessandro Gets His Incest On in Charlotte
Alessandro has something he needs to get off his hairy chest: He loves himself some incest. Shhh, don't judge him. Emily made that mistake, and now she'll never have the pleasure of running her hands through his silken hair. Turns out that Alessandro's last serious relationship was with his third cousin, a fact that he was more than willing to share. We pray for his future children.
Emily Sends Joe Home in Charlotte, Weeps Copiously
Poor Em couldn't handle the painful task of sending Joe home, and spent much of her evening weeping while her camera men refused to comfort her. Luckily, ABC was decent enough to put on a fireworks display for Em, which she enjoyed all by her lonesome. It's times like these that we ask ourselves, What Would Ricki Do? But then we're like "wait, who's Ricki?"
Travis Shows Up With an Egg During the Premiere
We have no idea what the casting process is like for The Bachelorette, but we can only assume ABC visits mental institutions across the good ol' US of A until they find twenty five semi-insane hotties. There's no other explanation for the fact that Travis Pope showed up to Emily's meet n' greet with a giant ostrich egg. What does it all mean, Trav?
Travis Goes Insane, Smashes His Egg
After several weeks on The Bachelorette, Travis developed a sinister relationship with his egg (now named "Shelley") and decided to kill it. In fact, he made Emily partake in a ritualistic egg smashing outside the mansion, where he murdered Shelley in cold blood. We're not sure what to make of this latest development in Travis' insanity spiral, but it's clear that Chris Harrison should assign a security detail to watch Ricki 24/7. RIP, Shells.
Sean Escapes From the Love Nest and Runs Around Prague
As we know, Chris Harrison only lets the bachelors out of their prisons (er, hotel rooms) once a day for food and waxing, and poor Sean is getting restless. This stud's organs start to shut down if he goes more than a few hours without a spit-swap, so he was forced to make his escape and run through the streets of Prague shouting out "Emilllyyyyy." We can only imagine what the local yokels thought, but whatever. The point is that he found Emily lurking in a dark alley and then lip-locked her like it was his job. Which it is.
Jef Tells Emily He Wants to "Marry The F*ck Out of [Her]" in Prague
Move over Shakespeare, there's a new poetic genius on the block. We've never heard anything more romantic than the sentence "I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you," and we're assuming Emily Maynard is right there with us. Why else would she roll around on the floor with The Real OG, Jef Holm? If Emily doesn't pick this dude, we might lose it. Or, we might fly to Utah and run through the streets calling Jef's name, Sean style.
Sean Throws Log, Breaks It With His Oozing Manliness in Croatia
Time to talk about The Highland Games. It's a sensitive subject for us — mostly because we suffer from acute fainting spells every time we think about Jef Holm in a kilt — but Sean's log throwing needs to be addressed. While the rest of Emily's suitors couldn't chuck a log to save their lives, Sean picked up that bad-boy and hurled it across the mountains of Croatia like he was Thor's slightly more Texan younger brother. In fact, Sean was so good at log hurling, that his log split in two and everyone simultaneously blew their proverbial wads.
Arie and Emily Almost Get Murdered by Some Dolphins in Curacao
Nothing's more fun than hanging out with giant dolphins, but the sea creatures in Curacao are not to be messed with. Basically, Arie and Emily dove smack in the middle of a gang war between the dolphin version of Bloods and Crips. Thank god Emily had Arie to protect her, because that one dolphin definitely tried to take her out with his tail. It's just like: Get over it, flippers. Go watch A Dolphin Tale starring Morgan Freeman like a normal person.
Jef Finally Gets Shirtless in Curacao
Please, join us in a prayer circle. It's time to slaughter a turkey and give thanks for Jef's shirtless body. Unfortunately, we were unable to analyze the hills and valleys of his 6 pack because Emily was all up in his grill (ugh, move over), but we did spy him rocking a man necklace. Also, Jef's adorably-striped swim trunks matched his tan skin perfectly. We do, Jef. We do forever.
Emily Goes "Backwoods Hoodrat" on Kalon in London
We're used to seeing our girl Emily in various states of demure confusion, but during her trip to London, she got all Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde up in everyone's business and showed us what she's really made of. Here's what went down: Kalon made the mistake of referring to Ricki Bobby as "baggage," Doug narc'd him out to Emily, and Emily flipped her weave all over England. Then she said the following: "I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them."