10. Ageless Gwen gives off the mom vibe
Gwen's official age is "??" — which is what we're going to go with for ourselves now, too. She was on The Bachelor Season 2 and apparently that was sometime in the early Pleistocene instead of 2002. She's actually 39 and that is apparently too "old" for hook-ups. Dave just dismisses her as older than "us" and Jesse B. really puts the nail on the coffin: "She’s definitely someone I look at as a mom." Ouch! No one wants to hear that from Peculiar Jesse. That's even worse than a girl putting a guy in "the friend zone."
9. No one knows right from left
Fantastic! They may be hot, nubile, and athletic, but none of them seem to understand that left foot means left foot. Tiny dancer Tenley is the second one out of the Twister challenge and the first to fall victim to the "left vs. right" curse. After her, Wes also confuses left from right. Then Jesse doesn’t know left from right. Then Juan doesn’t know left from right. Ultimately Jessie loses the game to Craig M. because she, too, doesn't know left from right. Could it be that Craig is the only one who can tell the difference? Is his hair whispering the secret?
8. Craig wins Twister, ruins plans
This is always the way. The second a group comes to a consensus on a reality show, you just know it's not going to work out. So when Elizabeth and her bad dye job marshal the girls to eliminate Craig M. and his equally bad hair, there's a good chance Craig is going to win. It's a good thing he wins, though, because otherwise there'd be a lot less drama. So maybe half those fools were paid to mistake left for right?
Someone hasn't learned one thing since Jake's season! Hot nanny Elizabeth is back. Her hair is blonde, but she's still the same tease. She plays so many games she should've been a natural for Twister. She calls out Craig M. as a bully to Jonathan (who in turn has spent every waking moment backstabbing him), but when Craig wins she turns on her charm to try and get the "safe" rose. Jessie says Craig is cute, but Elizabeth says she doesn't think he's attractive at all. But when Elizabeth asks Jessie if she would kiss Craig for a rose, Jessie says no, she's not like that. Elizabeth is surprised, since she's pretty much the opposite. She's pure manipulation. When she does get her alone time with Craig, she boxes him into the same corners as Jake, asking him if there are any girls in the house he would want to make out with. (Coquettish look, eyelash bat.) Of course, he says her. And, of course, she doesn't make a move — she just considers it some kind of victory to play with him.
6. Tenley can't stop screaming
And we don't even mean the waterworks later. We're talking right out of the gate, Tenley starts screaming like this is one long horror film audition. She's literally bouncing up and down like a cartoon character over everyone that walks through the door. She's even thrilled to see d-bag Juan. (Juan, we're so disappointed.) And she needs to have air blown in her face to cool down after Kiptyn walks in the room. We're happy to see Kiptyn too, but what are you, 4?
5. Jonathan vs. Craig, Krisily, and Michelle
For someone that gets so upset when people diss him, The Weatherman needs to watch his own mouth. He breaks out some of his old Craig M. insults — Craig was a Category 6 bleep on The Bachelorette, too — and adds some new ones to anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, Craig doesn't seem to say one nasty word to him. But Jonathan isn't done. Jonathan insults Krisily — a.k.a. "Candy Light? Crystal Light? Crystal Lee?." Then, noting that the mob was attacking Michelle, he joined in with this pot/kettle assessment: "There just weren’t enough roses for all of Michelle’s personalities. Besides, it’s hard to put a rose on a straitjacket." Who do you think you are, Weatherdude?
4. Natalie hooks up with Jesse B.
Miss "I Like Bears" needs to take her talons off our Jesse! Having said that, Natalie and Jesse B. seem to have one of those insta-connections like Ali and Roberto. (But a much cheaper version.) The second he walks in the door she's on him, giving a thumbs-up to Tenley about him, calling him cute and basically attacking him. (Which is our plan if we ever meet him, too.) He calls her "sexy" and seems overwhelmed by her charms. They hook up by the firelight, where she says "God you're adorable" and he (cringe alert) says "I like your kisses." They spoon together in bed with Jonathan watching (shudder) and are all over each other outside as Juan and Gia plot their demise from afar. Even if they don't win the money, they've already won.
3. Nikki vs. Juan
Is anyone else totally shocked that this is the real Juan? Nice guy Juan from Jillian's season of The Bachelorette? The paragon of calm virtue in the face of Dave "Man Code" Good'sbullying? Turns out Juan sort of dated Nikki and invited her to a Bachelor cruise, where he immediately hooked up with another girl. According to Natalie, Juan only slept with Nikki because he needed a place to stay in Chicago. (Ouch!) Juan, who seems callous and oblivious in equal measure, decides the best timing for his overdue apology is when he knows the women are probably ready to vote him out. He makes an entirely insincere speech and Nikki does not buy it. No one buys it. Juan is dumped, and in the limo he seems to feel sorry for himself because Nikki was the only one who didn't say goodbye to him. His strategy was to “deal with the Nikki situation” and he guesses he didn’t do that. Wow. And we thought Wes was the villain.
2. Elizabeth vs. Kovacs
This is exhausting. Elizabeth tells anyone who will listen that she's in love with Jesse Kovacs (although she treats him a helluva lot worse than Craig, the guy she supposedly dislikes) but he doesn't feel the same about her (wonder why not?). Kovacs, on the other hand, sees Elizabeth as a "friend," which is not what you should call someone you dated for a while and everyone else still calls your girlfriend. He needs to have a little more sensitivity to her feelings. Both of them are delusional and they probably deserve each other. We feel sorry for Kovacs, though, because he's right about the strategy: Elizabeth can't act like she has "dibs" on him. It makes them both vulnerable in the house. So what does she do? She turns around and emotionally blackmails him, telling him to tell everyone that he's in love with her. That's bunny boiler territory. She's scary.
1. Tenley vs. Michelle
Hee hee! Actually, this is sad. Michelle is the real victim of this situation. If anything, Crazy Michelle is having a sane moment when she pulls Tenley aside to talk about how she hurt her feelings with that Craig hook-up rumor. It doesn't matter if the rumor is true or not, Tenley should be a little more sensitive to other people's feelings. Especially when the second Michelle talks to her in the bathroom Tenley acts like she's under attack. (Maybe she really is auditioning for a horror film.) Michelle just wants to keep Tenley in the room long enough to hear her words; she knows Tenley doesn't feel "safe" without her mob, and sure enough the second the door opens Tenley runs and cries to Elizabeth. Then when Elizabeth says they'll get rid of Michelle — 'cause everyone loves Tenley — Tenley has this creepy little manipulative smile. Tip: Just because Tenley cries, doesn't mean she's right. Michelle, consider yourself lucky to get out now.