full size Ed Swiderski and Reid Rosenthal in Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 2
Credit: ABC via WENN

Ryan Hoag shows he cares by baking cakes, buying flowers, creating sushi and spelling out birthday wishes with rose petals and Twizzlers. Chris Bukowski shows he cares by lying to and laying with multiple women. Jamie Otis picked bad boy Chris over Virgin Captain America. Meanwhile, Ed “Jillian Picked This” Swiderski shows he cares by getting drunk and letting his flying pickle enter a lucky lady’s air space. Sarah Newlon wanted to hook up with someone and she picked Ed. (She could at least re-hook-up with Reid Rosenthal, after their thing at the Bachelor reunion.) Not to mention Lindzi Cox cozying up to Kalon “Puppet Master” McMahon. At least the men of Bachelor Pad 3 had sense enough to avoid the twins. If the twins had been male, the BP3 ladies would’ve been all over them. This is why you do the ugly cry, ladies. Stop picking the wrong guys!

Here’s hoping we didn’t pick the wrong quotes among the many options for best lines of Episode 2.

10. Michael Stagliano [on Donna Zitelli]: “I wanted to give her something in return, you know, fulfill a little bit of a fantasy for her. It’s sweet.”
So I gave her my tongue. Against a wall. Then she clarified that her fantasy was doing that with Arie Luyendyk, Jr.

9. Sarah Newlon: "Sarah, do you not be the only girl in this hot tub that does not hook up. That would be so pathetic."
Nope! Pathetic is talking in third person as you acknowledge you're desperate to join the hot tub harem.

8. Jaclyn Swartz [of the twins]: “I don’t even know who’s who.”
Thankfully, we’ll never have to learn.

7. Donna [on Michael]: “He can dance — that means he’s good in bed.”
Is the opposite true? Does that tell us everything we need to know about Ed and his pickle?

6. Blakeley Jones [as the twins are fighting]: “It’s like watching Jerry Springer.”
And Chris Harrison is the baby’s father!!!

5. Brittany or Erica Taltos to the other: “Last night you called me a slut four times.”
You know I feel ignored if I don’t get at least six!

4. Lindzi: “Every guy’s fantasy is twins but I don’t think they’ve met these twins yet.”
They mean Donna’s twins.

3. Brittany or Erica Taltos: “I would’ve never said that if I was sober.”
I would’ve referenced The Great Gatsby again — then confused myself with a robot at Disneyland.

2. Kalon [sharing his disgust at the women’s rhythmic gymnastics]: “Shopping and gymnastics — like what the f--k else do you have to do in your life?”
Nothing, sweetie, just shopping for baggage to pelt at you off a high beam.

1. Ed: "Got right in the pickle, just drove her home. Does that look like a pickle? Flying pickle!"
Snooki, meet your next husband.