Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 5 was a sexually confusing two hours filled with the stench of death, despair, barbecued chicken, and Chris Harrison's spray tan (maybe he's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline). Lucky for you, we've managed to dig out the biggest WTF moments in gold mine of whack-ness for you to look back on!
Also, we recommend that you go to the doctor immediately if reading this makes you break out in a rash.
1. Chris Bukowski Shreds a Rose, We Mourn
Have you heard the news? Chris Bukowski is a "grown ass man" and he has no time for your childish flowers, Chris Harrison. In fact, when Chris stumbled upon an innocent rose trying to get frisky in bed with him, he up and murdered it in a rage. Look, dude, we know you're bumming over the fact that everyone betrayed you, but there's no reason to massacre Bachelor Pad's official mascot. We're never going to forget this.
2. Ed Knocks Over a Wine Glass, Everything Is Super Serious
Ed and Chris got into an epic bro-off this week, and lives were taken. For reasons we have yet to understand, Ed chose to channel his rage into his one true friend: A glass of wine who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This beautiful vessel of liquid gold was casually minding his own business, when Ed sauntered by and committed winicide. Now this poor glass will never be able to live out his ultimate fantasy: To have Emily Maynard's lips on his rim.
3. Blakeley Soccer Moms Tony, He Remains Aroused
Blakeley and Tony are in love, and you guys just need to deal with it. Yes, they're a weird couple, and yes Tony better get used to having his manscape waxed, but this Pied Piper has found his match. Unfortunately, Tony and Blakeley's relationship is a lot like our relationship with Bachelor Pad. Read: us screaming "you can do this!" every time Ed faceplants into a pile of fudge. Blakeley has become Tony's personal coach, and while we applaud her commitment — she's one more enthusiastic fist-pump away from getting bitch-slapped by the other contestants.
4. Rachel and The Stag Try Not to Have Sex on Camera, But Actually End Up Having Sex on Camera
Like most notorious pervs, Chris Harrison and his ABC minions have outfitted their love nest with night cams. In fact, there's a night cam above every bed in the house, just so viewers don't miss out on any pickle spanking that might crop up. Poor Rachel Truehart has been wanting to mount The Stag since day one, and in a desperate attempt at privacy she put a moist and probably fungus-ridden beach towel over her camera. Sadly, Rachel had no idea what she was doing, and Chris Harrison was able to peep on her mating ritual with The Stag. And when we say "sadly," we mean "happily."
5. Blakeley Laughs Like a Maniac, We Run Away in Fear
Look, we know this week's one-on-one date was prostitution-themed, but that's no excuse for Blakeley to break out her Julia Roberts laugh. We were seriously worried she was going to jump out of our TV, pin us down, and wax our entire body while giggling in glee. Then again, we appreciate any and all overly enthusiastic fan-girls (yes, including you, Chris Harrison, stop being so needy), so whatevs.