Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 7 was a confusing-yet-wondrous two hours filled with poetry, near-death experiences, man tears, and Chris Harrison's usual devilish antics. Lucky for you, we've managed to weed out the juiciest WTF moments for you to look back on! Also, the song "Sister Christian" has taken on a whole new (and extremely disturbing) meaning.
1. Ed Weeps Soft Tears as Tony Departs From The Bachelor Pad
Who else re-watched Tony The Lumberjack's beautiful exit from Bachelor Pad in slow motion while singing "My Heart Will Go On" circa Titanic? Near, far, wherever you are, everyone. Ed was clearly moved by Tony's sentimental exit (join the club), and he even leaked a few manly tears as Tony drove off into the great unknown. Sob, manmotions!
2. Rachel And Nick Break Into a Spontaneous Bout Of Poetry
As we know from years spent watching American Idol, voice lessons can be a terrifying thing. This week, we not only got to witness Sarah's creative experiments with "singing" during class time, we were treated to a spontaneous slam poetry session courtesy of Nick and Rachel. Who knew Night Ranger would lend itself so well to spoken word?
3. Sarah's Pants Blow Our Collective Mind
The time has come to boldly go where many men have gone before... to the mysterious "pants" that encased Sarah's body during her performance of "Sister Christian." Were they leggings? Were they jeans? Were they a sinister combination of the two, aka Jeggings? Either way, all kinds of things were happening up in those bad boys, including by not limited to pelvic thrusts. In the words ofJaclyn, "I can't tell if Sarah's dancing or if there's something legitimately wrong with her."
4. Everyone Almost Dies In a Shallow Pool
This week, Chris Harrison's elves snuck into Bachelor Pad headquarters and built some kind of rudimentary scaffolding above the pool, which was determined to be "structurally safe" by ABC's fleet of contractors. Then, the bachelor/ettes were forced to sit on some tiny see-through chairs and plummet into shallow water, which we assume was filed with bleach — you know, to kill any mysterious diseases left over from pool sex. In short, the entire experience seemed all kinds of wonderful.
5. Ed and Jaclyn Put On An Amazing Performance
We have no idea how Ed and Jaclyn didn't win roses after their interpretive performance of "Sister Christian." Sure they forgot all the words, and yes, they reverted to their primal state and started humping each other, but the entire thing was beyond our wildest hopes and dreams. These two really took the brother-sister themes in the song to a whole new level of sexy. In other words, they were motoring. Motorinnnggggggg!
BONUS: Tony And Blakeley Are The Cutest Couple Ever In The World, EVER
Um, in case you hadn't noticed — Tony and Blakeley are completely adorable and perfect. Did you see the way Tony comforted his lovely lady during their limo ride out of The Pad? Yes, his hand was lingering on her thigh in a slightly creepy way, but their conversation was so cute! Blakeley probably gave him a DOUBLE bikini wax that night.