In the event that you're currently high on Ethan's (Blair Redford) body odor (it smells like patchouli and unicorns), you may have forgotten that Emma and Sutton (Alexandra Chando) have staged ye old switcheroo! Which means Emma is living like a backwoods hill person in the Mercer Family Love Shack, while Sutton has once again assumed her OG identity. It's all really confusing and complicated because they’re twins.
Now that Sutton has reclaimed her throne, this gal is all about getting down to business. First on the agenda? Wearing an array of inappropriately short dresses because this is Arizona and everyone is too busy murdering each other to care about hem-length. But more importantly, Sutton and Rebecca have hatched a plan to take down Ted (Andy Buckley) and Kristin's (Helen Slater) relationship, which apparently involves Sutton sabotaging their sexy reunion. And we use the term "sexy reunion" loosely. There is nothing sexy about two middle aged people rekindling their love flame.
Turns out Kiki and Ted want their kiddos to attend family therapy so the whole crew can real-talk about their problems, which is the perfect opportunity for Sutton to poison her parents’ relationship. Bwahaha! Actually, wait. Does anyone understand why Sutton is totally fine with ruining the lives of the people who raised her? Clearly she is troubled, and we blame Ethan. Maybe if girlfriend hadn't flitted off to his weird horse pasture to reenact Dances With Wolves, her life would make more sense.
In other news, Emma is doing what she does best (sitting in the cabin with no food or hot water, looking forlorn-yet-beautiful–yet-virginal), when who should show up? Ethan, completely unwashed as usual. Turns out dude just wants to learn how to read (poor little lamb), so he and Emma settle down for a semi-awkward studying session until they get interrupted by Alec (Adrian Pasdar) and Rebecca, who decide to use the Mercer's creepy cabin for their honeymoon! Because nothing says romance like squatting in a shack.
Remember last season when Rebecca showed up in Sutton's backseat and caused her car to fly into a lake? Well, Emma finally puts the pieces of the story together when she shacks up in the creepy motel Sutton and Rebecca stayed in on the night of the car crash, and it looks like she's moments away from finding out her sister's huge secret! Although lord knows Ethan will just distract her with his ravishing man-beauty and throw her off the scent. Sigh.
But move over, Whitehorse Whisperer! Emma might have unresolved feelings for this stud, but she misses Thayer (Christian Alexander) for reasons that are completely confusing to us, and decides to hit up Los Angeles for a steamy reunion. Sounds cute, right? Well, clearly girlfriend hasn't seen Thayer's wall of dragon fan art. Anyway, turns out Thayer's shacking up with some blonde hottie after just two days apart from Emma –– but don't worry! It's just his surfer friend. You know, because he surfs now. Deal with it.
Oh, and if you're worried about Mads (Alice Greczyn) and Jordan's semi-incestual relationship, you should be. Not only are they still addicted to pool sex, they are now living together at Rebecca and Alec's house. No comment, except so many comments.
Red, Red Wiiiiiiine
Alec is a free man and we are totally terrified. Mostly because he spends his waking hours watching naked ladies sleep. No, like actually.
Despite the fact that this shadowlurker insists on being innocent, we're 100 percent convinced he's a deranged killer with a weird fetish for 80s soft-core porn (nope, still not over last week's Alec and Rebecca sex scene).
Speaking of Rebecca, this sleuthy minx is playing the part of the doting wife, but it's pretty obvious that she and Alec hate each other almost as much as we hate ourselves for loving Ethan. Rebecca wants nothing more than to see Alec rotting in jail, but first she has to make sexy cabin love with him and drink an $800 bottle of wine. Sadly, their romantic reunion goes awry when the power fails during Rebecca's bath and she's attacked by a shadowy figure. Also said shadowy figure is Alec, but fear not! He covers his tracks with some killer sweet talk. Emphasis on killer.
In other news, it's time for Rebecca to make a move on Ted –– which brings us to some weird ceremony at (where else?) the country club! Looks like good ol' Teddy is winning a humanitarian award (guess that time he accidentally killed Justin's mom is just being glossed over), which means Sutton gets to introduce her pops! The catch? Rebecca wants Sutton to drop the bombshell that Ted is her biological father, which means everyone will know Becca is her real mom!
So, does Sutton go through with Rebecca's deranged plan? Of course not, ya'll! In fact, she gets up on stage and waxes poetic about how wonderful her mom and dad's relationship is, which turns Ethan on so much that he plants a kiss on her. Sigh, young grifter love.
But before you get too excited about this happy ending, it looks like there's more to Kirstin and Sutton's relationship than meets the eye! Rebecca claims that Kristin wanted to give Sutton away when she was a baby, and she has a notebook full of evidence. Say it ain't so!