Thank the stars, The Secret Circle is back in our lives –– and you know what that means: We'll finally find out who Cassie's secret sister is! This week, our favorite gang of teenage witches (minus Sabrina) managed not to kill any seagulls with their emo love-making, but they did go crazy for crystals. Sigh, we know pet rocks are all the rage, but really guys? Buy a giga pet like normal people living in the ‘90s.
He's a Ladies' Man!
Eben's more powerful than ever since he became a vessel for demon worms, and the Circle are terrified of what he might do. Unfortunately, they only have one crystal, which is enough to kill half an inchworm. The answer to all their problems clearly lies with a bunch of geriatrics, so they decide to hunt down their grandparents and steal some pet rocks.
The Circle divides into groups to get the job done, but first Melissa (Jessica Parker Kennedy) runs into creepy Callum –– who wants to reconnect over a voodoo-gasm. Luckily, Jake (Chris Zylka) and his leather jacket appear out of nowhere to save Melissa's honor, but he accidentally reveals that they belong to a coven in the process. Great, now Callum wants to sell Jake's bodily fluids on the black market. (Cough, we'll take two bottles, cough.)
After bro-battling Callum, Jake meets Faye (Phoebe Tonkin) and Cassie (Britt Robertson), and they head over to his gramps' house only to discover he's a batty old conspiracy theorist who thinks Blackwell wanted to sperminate everyone in his Circle. Here's the deal: 300 years ago, 18 families escaped from Salem and split into three Circles. Then Blackwell swooped in and corrupted the West Coast Circle by "sowing his seed" all up in everyone's ovaries. Color us horrified.
Meanwhile, Gramps does have a crystal (score!), but he's hidden it in a mine. Why, you ask? Because the six Chance Harbor crystals form a giant crystal skull, which is the most powerful weapon in the history of magic. Are you thinking what we're thinking? One ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them....
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to Work We Go!
While Jake and his bevvy of beauties learn about Salem, Melissa and Adam (Thomas Dekker) head over to her grandma's house and discover that she's a serious contender for Hoarding: Buried Alive. This old lady has more crystals than Jake has man-tanks!
Meanwhile, Faye is totally convinced she's Blackwell's other child, especially since Dawn's (Natasha Henstridge) diary reveals something about a steamy affair back in the ‘80s. Unfortunately, while the three amigos chat about the possibility of Cassie and Faye being sisters, Callum zooms up on his motorcycle and steals Grandpa Armstrong's map to the mine! There's only one thing to do – put Chance Harbor's new dynamic duo (a.k.a. Melissa and Adam) on the case. Cassie texts her buddies a map of the mine, and they track down the crystal before Callum can steal it. Turns out abandoned mines are super creepy, but Adam taps into his inner Tarzan and heroically swings across a giant precipice to grab the crystal like a pro. Unfortunately, Callum and his greasy hair show up, and after Adam fails to grab his gun, Melissa gives up their prize.
In other news, Diana's (Shelley Hennig) trying to have some alone time with Grant, but her date gets interrupted by one magical emergency after another. She heads down to the mine to meet her friends, and the situation promptly gets realer than real. First, Cassie almost chokes to death when she tries to enter the tunnel (dark magic repellent), then Adam bats his eyelashes like crazy, and then Faye nearly gets run over by Callum's motorcycle. Luckily, Cassie stops Callum with her mind, and the Circle mark him so he can never come back to Chance Harbor. Good riddance!
John Blackwell's still new in town, and he just wants to make friends, okay? First on the agenda is reacquainting himself with some haters, starting with Grandma Jane (Ashley Crow). Blackwell heads to Jane's house for some hang time, but little does he know that she and Charles (Gale Harold) have a covert plan to kill him with an ancient cruid!
Unfortunately, things don't exactly go as planned. Turns out that Blackwell secretly spelled the cruid to kill Jane, and as soon as Charles lights it up in the hopes of destroying Blackwell, Jane passes out on the floor and dies. Yep, Charles is officially a serial killer. Sigh, don't worry, Grams. We'll have the old folks' home pour some witches brew out for you.
Now, wipe those tears away and blow your nose, because Cassie's secret sister is about to be revealed! After ditching Jane's dead body, Blackwell heads to the clubhouse and has a quick bonding moment with Faye about the fact that she definitely isn't his love child. Meanwhile, Cassie meets up with Diana, who reveals her plan to quit the Circle to focus on her personal life. Diana also tells Cassie that she couldn't enter the mine without choking, and you know what that means! She's Cassie's sister-sister, and they're about to have so many bonding moments! Cue the sparkles, cue the music –– it's time to celebrate good times! No offense, Jane.