Credit: TSCep106sc20074r Photo: Chris Zylka on The Secret Circle

In the aftermath of Nick’s (Louis Hunter) death, all we have to say is: Where have all the cowboys gone? Nick was the town stud and without him, the only men inhabiting Chance Harbor are a hipster, his drunk dad, and a mass murderer with middle-parted hair. Until now.

This week, The Secret Circle mourned Nick’s death by getting high on tinctures and curling up into the fetal position, only to be blind-sided by Nick’s even hotter brother, Jake, and something even creepier than demons — witch hunters!

Dream Weaver

So here’s the deal with Jake: He’s just like Nick, only better.

Sure, Nick was studly, but Jake is taking it to a whole new level. He literally rolls up to Chance Harbor on a boat, like some kind of sea-faring vagabond and promptly starts spreading his bad-boy seed all over the place. Turns out that Jake hasn’t been in town for the past two years because he robbed Ethan’s (Adam Harrington) boat house, but back when he did live in Chance Harbor, he and Faye (Phoebe Tonkin) were quite the power couple. Until he unceremoniously kicked her to the curb.

On his first night back, Jake decides to linger outside Cassie’s (Britt Robertson) house next to a blazing fire, and Cassie’s a little concerned. She asks her Grams some questions and finds out that even though Nick is dead, the Circle is still bound and everyone is tied to each other’s bloodline for life. And Jake completes the Circle. Manwitch in the house! Oh, also? Apparently Cassie’s the most powerful witch-leader in the Pacific Northwest. Girl can’t even drive herself home. How’s she supposed to lead a bunch of horny teens?

Meanwhile, poor Melissa (Jessica Parker Kennedy) is dealing with her grief in the only way a heartbroken gal can: by rolling around her bedroom in various states of hysteria. Luckily, Faye’s able to drag her out for a quick coffee at the boat house, and as she attempts to snap Melissa out of her funk, Jake rolls in. He and his fine self swagger over to the bar, where Adam (Thomas Dekker), Diana (Shelley Hennig), and Cassie are busy trash-talking him.

Cassie wants to bring Jake into the Circle, so she gathers everyone at the shack in the woods to discuss. Unfortch, a random fire starts at the base of the house and when the Circle put it out with their minds, a crescent moon shape is left in the dust. Pretty? Cassie asks her Grams about the mysterious symbol, and she’s just like “NBD, it’s just means someone’s trying to kill you.” Great, more snakes on a plane?

Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/The CW ©2011 The CW Network, LLC Photo: Faye and Melissa Have a Heart-to-Heart at the Diner

The (Hot) Boys Are Back in Town

Faye puts on her cutest outfit to pay a visit to Jake in his house boat, and after a sexually tense conversation wherein Jake gets a little too handsy, she storms off in a rage while we swoon all over ourselves and forget Nick’s existence (just kidding, never gonna happen).

Meanwhile, Cassie heads home only to have some angry biatch in a leather jacket slash her arm. Sigh, at least it’s not another worm-person. Luckily, Jake comes to the rescue, bursts into Cassie’s house like superman, and starts reciting a rhyming couplet that makes the girl scamper back from whence she came. Cassie tells Jack that he’s part of their Circle and he reveals that he already has his own Book of Shadows, but before they can get into it Grams comes home and kicks him out of the house so she can dress Cassie’s wound.

The next morning, Cassie decides to deal with her grief by dipping into her middle school wardrobe and busts out a pair of jean capris with — wait for it — velvet wedges. She meets up with Jake for a quick chat outside her house, when Adam and Diana roll up.  Adam gets a major case of the jellies, BTW.

Across the street, Melissa breaks into Nick’s room, sniffs his leather jacket, puts on some depressing singer-songwriter beats, and then cries all over the bedsheets — which probably haven’t been changed since their hot sex. Tears!

Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/CBS ©2011 The CW Network, LLC Photo: The Secret Circle's Blonde-on-Blonde Action

I’m a Belieber!

Grandma Jane is seriously worried about the teen witch sitch in Chance Harbor, so she heads over to Dawn’s (Natasha Henstridge) house to tell her that the Circle is bound. Luckily, Dawn throws Jane off the scent by making her think they’re on the same team, but then she meets up with Charles (Gale Harold) to discuss their plan to steal Jane’s crystal.

Speaking of Charles, is it just us or does he seem a touch suicidal these days? His hair is greasy, his eyes are baggy, and he’s taken to reciting existential musings like “It’s hard to know anything anymore.”

Meanwhile, Grandma Jane gives Cassie her crystal rock and asks her not to tell anyone about it — not even the Circle. Oh, and we get an explanation about crystals: They’re lenses that magnify your powers. Nerd high five!

While Cassie is oooing and ahhhing at her pet rock, Jake heads over to a sleazy motel and meets up with Simone — a.k.a. the girl who slashed Cassie’s arm! He proceeds to shove her up against a wall and steal Cassie’s blood back, and we learn that Simone’s a “true believer” who tracked Jake to Chance Harbor. We can’t be sure, but we’re gonna go ahead and assume a “true believer” is sort of like a Belieber... so basically bat-crazy.

Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/The CW ©2011 The CW Network, LLC Photo: Hot Drunk Dad is Back!

Starlight, Starbright

It’s the night of Nick’s memorial and look who’s woken up from his week-long bender: the one and only Ethan “Drunk 4Eva” Conant (Adam Harrington)! Of course, he promptly pounds all the liquor behind the bar and gets wasted again.

As we well know, Drunk Ethan is only capable of talking about one thing. The stars. So, after chatting to Adam about someone called “Blackwall,” he passes out and then tells Diana that Adam and Cassie are meant to be together. Way to ruin a wake, Ethan.

Meanwhile, Faye is getting blazed on some herbal remedies and decides to throw herself off the docks in an attempt to fly. Don’t panic, Melissa ditches the wake and shows up to the rescue and they have a beautiful sista-friend moment. Hopefully we’ll address her drug problem at some point...

Back at the wake, Adam decides the funeral of his fallen homie is probably the best place to experiment with being manly, so he wanders over to Jake and punches him in the face. Luckily, Cassie cuts in and takes Jake outside to cool off, but not before they run into Charles — who mistakes Jake for Nick and then starts waxing poetic to a random old lady. Welcome to the world, Emo Charles.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

After Cassie and Jake bond about their past on the boat house patio, Cassie makes the mistake of leaving him alone to go back inside. As luck would have it, Simone shows up to ask why he “hasn’t completed the mission” and they start brawling. Just as Jake’s about to get shivved with some medieval spear, Cassie and her pet rock save the day! And by that we mean she and Jake totally stab Simone in the neck with their joint powers.

Jake convinces Cassie that Simone was a witch sent to scavenge power, and then they have a eye-sexing session on her porch while Cassie gawks at Jake’s chiseled jaw. Aw, the perfect man! Kind of.... After flirting up a storm with millions of TV viewers, Jake heads over to a random dock and meets up with a few hillbilly witch hunters. Sad face: Turns out Jack is in town to avenge the death of his family and rid Chance Harbor of witches. Oh no he did not EVEN!

So how can a wake go from bad to worse to terrible? Diana arrives at the boat house to confront Adam about the whole destiny thing and tearfully breaks up with him. Then she drives over to Cassie’s to tell her the news and cries hysterically. It’s so sad that the only person Diana has to turn to is her boyfriend’s soon-to-be girlfriend. Team Diana+Adam!