Watching The Secret Circle's epic season finale was like binge eating a meat lovers' pizza. We felt nauseous, horrified, and ready for seconds. This week, our favorite band of outsiders blew us away with their magical incantations and hilarious O-faces –– and even better? All our questions were finally answered! Well, except for one: Will Charles' (Gale Harold) spirit animal ever return to its nest?
Remember last week when ‘90s Blackwell magically consumated it with all the hotties in his Circle? Well, Cassie (Britt Robertson) and Diana (Shelley Hennig) are still totally grossed out by their pervy dad, but he just might be the key to saving Faye's (Phoebe Tonkin) life. Blackwell's completely obsessed with creating the crystal skull, and he wants Sassy Cassie and Dirty Di to tap into their Balcoin blood in order to assemble it. Family bonding time!
The Balcoin Babes head over to the middle of nowhere with Blackwell, and together they build the crystal skull. It's a complicated process, so listen up: First, you wander around the woods until you happen upon some "ceremonial ground." Then you turn on world music. Then you light all your pet rocks on fire, throw them into a lake, let their energies "form into a collective shape," have about a million spellgasms, and voila! Giant crystal skull. The only bummer? Side effects include unbinding your Circle.
Which brings us to Jake (Chris Zylka), Melissa (Jessica Parker Kennedy), and Adam (Thomas Dekker) –– who head to the boatyard in the hopes of rescuing Faye only to find out their solo magic is back! The return of Jake's hocus pocus makes him more eager than ever to save Faye (dude just wants to sing "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias), but he barely makes it five feet before Adam faceplants him. Sigh, Adam. Remind us not to list you on our emergency contacts.
In other news, Charles and Dawn (Natasha Henstridge) have finally realized that their kids are serial killers, so Charles turns to the one person he trusts the most in the world: His mom. You know, that crazy lady who tried to kill Cassie with an elderberry branch. Unfortunately, Old Lady Meade can't bring back Charles and Dawn's powers, so she strips herself of magic and bestows it onto them. Which kind of makes up for her homicide attempt earlier this season.
Where Did You Go, My Lovely? Where Did You, Where Did You Go?
While Charles bonds with his mommy, Jake and Melissa ditch Adam and head into the foggy boatyard to find Faye. They come across her in no time and Jake proceeds to jam his tongue down her throat (stud speak for "I missed you"), but sadly their reunion is cut short when Eben and his worm brain light them on fire. Sigh, where is Cassie when you need her?
Speaking of Cassie, we're worried. Girlfriend is fondling that skull like we fondle M&Ms, and let's just say she looks crazier than usual. Even Blackwell notices Cassie's power trip, so he's just like "talk to the hand" and renders both her and Diana unconscious. They wake up at the clubhouse (surrounded by a wall of fire), and Blackwell explains that his life's work is killing witches so Balcoins can rule the world. Oh, and also? There are four other Balcoin children coming to Chance Harbor. This is just like the Duggars, only with magic.
But forget Blackwell and his love children, because it's time to pour some out for our fallen homie. Charles Meade is (kinda) joining Jen Lindley in Dawson's Creek heaven! Here's what goes down: Dawn and Charles head to the boathouse to rescue their kiddos, and while Dawn puts out the fire, Charles casts a deathly spell on Eben. Commence ugly-crying, because all of Eben's worm friends wiggle into Charles, and he promptly throws himself overboard in protest. Nooooo!
As Charles floats downstream, Jake shivs Eben and then the entire gang get the worst sunburn ever. Yep, the crystal skull is killing them, and it's all part of Blackwell's evil plan to rid the world of witches, bwah ha ha ha ha!
Over at the clubhouse, Cassie realizes that Diana needs to access her dark magic if they're going to stop Blackwell, so she chokes her to semi-death. You know, just enough to make her pissed. Luckily, Diana uses her dark powers to fight off Cassie, and together they kill Blackwell with the crystal skull. Oh, and during this entire series of events Adam is cowering in the corner with a bloody nose.
So, now that Blackwell and Eben are dead, we're in for a happy ending, right? Wrong. So very wrong. The gang gather at Cassie's house to chat about what a hot mess their lives are, and decide Adam should destroy the crystal skull so they can re-bind the Circle safely. Unfortunately, Diana has zero interest in her homies from the Harbor, and leaves town with Grant to spend some time in the land down under. And yes, we mean that in more ways than one.
Lastly, it's time for our favorite part of The Secret Circle: the epic end-of-episode montage. As soulful hipster music plays in the background, Faye and Jake make out, Adam morphs into Gollum from Lord of The Rings, Melissa and Faye party up a storm, Charles enters a coma, and Diana and Cassie realize the Balcoin sign is branded on their palms. But most importantly, the fab four Balcoin siblings are hanging on a hill outside Chance Harbor. Dun, dun, dunnnn!