We’ve been waiting months for the Secret Life premiere, and holy crap, did it deliver! Check out our recap to re-live the memories!
Move out of the way, people. There’s a hungry baby-bump prowling the halls of Grant High! Adrian busts open the front doors and waddles down the locker room hallways like she owns the place. Could she look more blissed-out about her huge belly? After emptying an entire organic food store’s worth of groceries into her locker, Ben and Adrian play catch up with their friendsters. The Secret Life gang are looking pretty good after their various vaycays at dorktastic camps. Amy’s grown an affinity for short mini skirts (we’re not complaining), and Grace is, like, a doctor now or some shiz.
But the biggest news is that Amy and Ricky have decided to seal the deal, round II (hopefully they won’t procreate this time). Amy insists that Ricky get tested before she lets him pounce her. We’re not just worried about this man-ho having a casual case of the clap — he’s slept with so many people that HIV is a serious possibility. Ricky is reluctant to get tested, but Amy sweetens the deal by agreeing to do him as soon as they find out he’s clean. Talk about incentive! Ricky proceeds to track down every girl he’s slept with to see if they have the herp, or worse. As you might expect, people don’t take kindly to being asked this sort of question. What else is there to do but go to the doc?
Ricky gets tested at his mom’s clinic and then acts completely shocked when he runs into her. She gives him some awkward words of wisdom and he pretends like his sex life is none of her business. This is after he and Amy have already spent the majority of this eppy telling rando people that Ricky might have crabs or whatever. Meanwhile, Amy traumatizes her dad when she gives him the gritty details about her sex life with Ricky. We get that teens should talk to their renties about sex, but is it really necessary to tell them when and where you’re gonna get nasty?
Amy’s not the only Juergens going through major changes. Anne and George are officially splitsville, and the kids are living with their dad. Ashley is miserable with this sitch and decides to home school herself. She gets the home schooling low-down from Katelyn O’Malley, played by Secret Life’s much-anticipated new cast member Beverley Mitchell! We love this broad — she fits right in! Can we also point out how smokin’ hot she is? Ricky won’t be able to keep his hands off!
Meanwhile in the Sausage Kingdom, Adrian and Ben are about to find out the sex of their baber. They show up somewhere named the “Hospital Medical Center” (real creative, writers...), and Ben proceeds to be a huge pansy. We had really high hopes for Ben this season, but he’s just as self-involved as ever. Adrian literally has to talk him down from near-hysteria over his fear of seeing her exposed belly, and then he complains about feeling faint. Um... dude. Thanks to your inability to put a condom on correctly, Adrian’s been throwing up her breakfast for months. And need we remind you that she’s about to push a mini-human out of her body? Find someone else to whine to. Ben eventually mans up and goes in with Adrian and — surprise — they’re having a girl! O, as Ben puts it, “Es una niña.” (How much did you LOL during Ben’s attempt at a Spanish accent?)
Grace and Grant are back from Med Camp where they spent the summer trying not to have sex with each other, which was almost impossible given how hot they are. They proceed to give every single person the intimate details of their gateway-sex life, including Grace’s mom, which is all kinds of messed up. Once again, we’re all for talking to your parents about sex, but asking for their permission is a little creepers. Too far, Grace, too far. Kathleen suggests that Grace and Grant get tested for STDs, and we totally agree! Grant may have claimed to use a condom the couple of times he had sex with his prior girlfriend, but let’s get real. Does this boy really know how condoms work? Doubtful. Who knows what kind of diseases he’s harboring. But Grace refuses to get tested. Girlfriend, we thought you had more sense than that!
Here’s the real shocker: Jack announces to Grant and Grace that he had “something” but “took care of it.” Um. Over share! Who was Jack sleeping with when he got an STD — Adrian? Does this mean that she has an undiagnosed infection? OMG! Today is not a good day for Jack. Madison breaks up with him because she’s found someone better to date in the form of her boss: a divorced high school drop-out. Wow, sounds like a winner. Wasn’t Maddy “in love” with Jack last season? Oh well, a summer surrounded by hot dogs at the food court was bound to get Madison’s dirty mind thinking. And she’s not the only food court employee who’s found herself single: Lauren’s relationship is dunzo when Jesse unceremoniously dumps her at school.
Over at the sausage empire, peeps are super excited about the little girl in Adrian’s belly. Ben wistfully talks to his pop about how happy he’ll be to see her face for the first time. (Clearly, he’s never seen how gross-looking a newborn is.) Ben’s actually being sort of sweet, but then he starts yacking about his fainting spells and we’re like, “Try pushing a baby out of your man-parts. Then you can complain.”
This amazeballs episode ends with Ricky’s hanging in his apartment, listening to country music while he throws a ball at the wall. The poor guy has so much to worry about. Luckily, his ex-con mom comes knock-knock knocking on heaven’s (aka Ricky’s) door. Looks like this stud is getting a roomie!
Oh Em Gee, this season is gonna be amazing! In the words of Rebbecca Black: We we we so excited.