3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Happy New Year! It’s time to break out your party hats and high heels, because we’re celebrating the new year in style with some scintillating resolutions for our sex-crazed Secret Lifers!
First on the list? Try not to miraculously get preggo while making out during the ball drop. Yep, that one’s for you, Amy.
Let’s keep it simple for the Rickster: Don’t leave Amy at the altar. Yeah, it’s sounds like a no-brainer, but we’ve seen Ricky’s feet (in our dreams ... ahem ..) and they’re ice cold. Ricky’s studliness courses through his veins.
It’s his life-blood, a force so strong that it might physically restrain him from walking down the aisle.
Honestly, we wouldn’t be surprised if Ricky procreated with one of Amy’s friends during the her bridal march — and who can blame him? A stud’s gotta go who a stud’s gotta do.
Cookie really needs to take it easy with the boyfriends. This season alone she’s done the dirty with Grant and Daniel, and now it looks like she’s about to hop back into Jack’s jock strap. Is there no stopping this girl?
It’s like she was born with a double dose of hormones. In other resolution news, we reccomend that Grace take a community college class in color theory. There are more colors than pink, light pink and dark pink, girl.
This bride-to-be needs to get her independent woman on. Sure, she’s a great mom to Baby John and she wandered off to New York to “find herself,” but Ricky doesn’t exactly treat her like a princess.
Not only does this bad-boy shut off his emotions at the drop of a hat, he also cons his gal into massaging his hair coif. Time to man up and show your guy who’s boss, Ames.
And while you’re at it, check your dad into Meat Scrap Rehab.
Time for a list: 1) Don’t get pregnant again. 2) Go a whole year without getting married. 3) Stop eating churros. 4) Delete all Adele songs from iPod. 5) Leggings are not pants. 6) Sell sapphire ring and buy new velour-less wardrobe. 7) Stop stealing other people’s boyfriends. 8) Stop showing randoms where you want tattoos on your body. 9) Fight the Boykewich pre-nup. 10) Don’t start sentences with “I’m stronger, and I’m crazier.”
Oh, Ben. Where do we start? We’re pretty sure our favorite prince is about to become a full-fledged alcoholic, so let’s go ahead and recommend that he lay off the liquor at this year’s New Year’s Eve party.
And honestly, the only person he should be kissing when the ball drops is his favorite stuffed teddy bear. Otherwise we might have an immaculate conception on our hands.
Our one hope for Ashley in 2012? That she’s alive. We have serious concerns that this snarky teen is lying in a ditch somewhere in Florida. Or even worse? Hanging out with old people all day in Toby’s grandmother’s retirement home. Come back to use, Ashley. Only you can stop the madness.