Credit: Randy Holmes/ABC Family Channel Photo: Ben & Adrian Get Serious in Episode 4.01, "When One Door Opens"

If you spend your days randomly bursting into tears over the tragic Secret Life of the American Teenager finale, we’re right there with you. Last night’s premiere was just as dramatic, but in less of a “leave me alone, I’m hyperventilating into a paper bag” way, and in more of a “man, these kids have hella sex” way.

Check out Wetpaint’s dramaliscious recap to get all caught up on the fun!

Babe, I’m Gonna Leave You

Adrian and Ben are both reeling after the loss of their baby, but they’re handling their grief in different ways. Ben’s trying to keep up with school and do his best to socialize, and Adrian wants to take the GED and numb her pain with mass amounts of donuts and Oprah. She’s completely shut herself off from the outside world and is even more sad than usual because it’s her daughter’s would-be 8-week birthday.

Tear .... God, will we ever be able to wear mascara again?

Ben wants his wifey to go on anti-depressants, but girlfriend insists on hugs not drugs. We have to agree with Ben here, Adrian is clearly going bat-shiz cray-cray — not that she doesn’t have good reason. You know a girl is losing it when she answers every question with “Are you calling me fat?!”

Meanwhile, Leo's work life falls apart when his sexy secretary, Camille, quits her job. Nice going, Cam: You’ve managed to offend a mob boss. Watch out for dismembered farm animals in your sheets. Leo goes home to down a couple bottles of wine, and he and Ben reveal that they don’t want to be married to their respective brides. Uh oh ... a divorce is NOT what Adrian needs right now.

Moving on Up!

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Ricky & Amy Stand United in Episode 4.01, "When One Door Opens"

In the aftermath of Badrian’s loss, the Secret Life teens are overwhelmed with sadness. Well, most of them are, anyway. Ricky and Amy are happier than ever, and it’s all because of their hot, messy sex. Yes, Secret Lifers — after months of will they or won’t they, Ricky and Amy decide to move in with each other. But is their sex-induced happiness insensitive to Badrian?

Amy visits Adrian at her condo, and after Adrian reveals that she named her stillborn baby Mercy (sob time), she guilts Amy into telling her about moving in with the Rickster. Way to go, Ames: Now Adrian’s even more depressed and puffy eyed that usual.

Meanwhile, Ricky is convinced that Ben wants to end things with Adrian (right on!), so he pays a visit to his therapist hoping for some advice on how to not sleep with Adrian once Ben dumps her. Watch out, Amy. Your man is on the prowl for soon-to-be single ladies.

On the Road

Ashley and Toby get ready hit the road after getting permission from Anne, who apparently thinks allowing her teenage daughter to slum it across the country in some van is educational. If she’s talking about sex education, then for shizzle!

Credit: ABC Family Photo: Tom Looks Ready For A Day At Work in Episode 4.01, "When One Door Opens"

Meanwhile, Tom wants his new gal pal, Rachel, to move into the guest house, but Kathleen’s not having it. Rachel is on well-fare with two kids, and Kathleen’s all “Poor people? GTFO!” Kathleen visits Rachel at work to grill her, and Rachel reveals that she was a victim of domestic abuse. We don’t buy it. If Rachel really liked Tom, she wouldn’t be trying to shack up in his pad after five minutes.

Tom isn’t the only Bowman-Tseguay with probs. Kathleen’s hunky hubby is back in Africa delivering “wonderful babies named Beloved” or whatever, and Grace is in Zimbabwe on a medical mission (most likely giving out birth control), and who knows when she’ll be back. Talk about a broken family!

So there you have it Secret Lifers: So much drama, so little time! We can’t wait ‘til next week to find out how much donut weight Adrian’s gained.