The Secret Life Of The American Teenager's fifth season premiere is here, so naturally it's time to celebrate with a wedding.

We know, we know, a surprise pregnancy would have been preferable, but there are only so many fertile ladies at Grant High.

Time to grab some bacon and rub it in your hair like you just don't care, y'all!

Going to the Chapel of Love

Here comes the bride! It's a well-established fact that Secret Life loves nothing more than an man-child and child bride coming together in wedded bliss, and this time the happy couple is none other than Ricky Underwood and Amy Juergens. Yeah, this is her second marriage before the age of 18, deal with it.

Ricky and Amy tell George about their secret plan and then go off to get hitched in a small backwoods chapel, which obviously means we get treated to a slow-motion montage of their relationship set to the dulcet notes of Bruno Mars. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Credit: ABC Family

After tying the knot, The Rickster and his new bride check into a honeymoon suite and settle down for a romantic night of milk-drinking and cuddle-time. They even lie about their age and are shocked when room service brings them a bottle of champagne! Oh, these two. So gleeful and pure.

Let's hope this marriage doesn't ignite into flames like that school Ben burned down. Too soon?

In other news, Anne is still discovering her sexuality and what not, and she's convinced that everyone is judging her. In fact Anne's so desperate for support that she asks Ashley to hang out, but she's busy being a vampire, obvs.

Let It Burn

Our favorite pyromaniac, Ben "Sausage Prince" Boykewich is still reeling from burning down Dylan's school –– not to mention the fact that he slept with his best friend's ex-girlfriend.

Naturally, he decides the best course of action is to reject Henry instead of telling the truth, and it's like, get your hair coif in the game, Ben. What happened to the sweet and lovable good guy we used to know?

Ben is so stressed about his future as a fugitive that he calls Dylan, only to learn that she'll be attending Grant High in the fall. Looks like they'll be sexy study buddies after all!

Unfortunately, Leo listens in on their convo and realizes that the heir to his sausagey throne is a burgeoning arsonist, but Ben refuses to come clean when Leo confronts him!

Sigh, someone's tighty-whities are on fire.

Credit: ABC Family

Ben feels bad about lying to his dad, so he meets Dylan in a sketchy parking lot and tells her that their love affair is dunzo. Dylan responds like any rational human being would, and threatens to throw Ben under the bus if he breaks up with her. Shudder, we're so completely terrified of this girl.

In other news, Ashley finally does the deed with her nerdy-but-lovable boyfriend, Toby, and you guys? It's actually kind of cute. Of course, George forces Toby to partake in some real-talk, wherein he chats about Ricky and Amy's marriage and asks Tobs not to spill the beans to Ash. Well, that's not awkward or anything.

Are You There God? It's Me, Cookie Monster

Summer school is over, and it's finally time for Adrian to graduate! This should be a great day, but Aids doesn't feel like there's enough pomp and circumstance, and to top if off, she finds out that Omar will be teaching at Grant High. Um, isn't Omar an 18-year-old college student?

Unfortunately, Adrian doesn't even have her bestie's shoulder to cry on, because Grace is all weirded out by last week's lip-lock.

You'd think that in 2012 kissing another girl would be no big deal, but unfortunatly Grace decides to friend-dump Adrian.

Sigh, has Katy Perry taught us nothing?

Credit: ABC Family

After breaking up with Adrian, Grace heads to her mom's house and is horrified when Kathleen and George come back from a romantic motorcycle date. After all, this lady is married –– should she really be fraternizing with a meat-addicted bald man?

Grace can barely handle how grossed out she is, so she wanders off to have a conversation with the man upstairs wherein she shouts "I could have been a contender," and it's completely amazing.

Grace decides to lay off sex until marriage, which is great timing, because Jack has a new girlfriend!