Christmas has come early! And when we say Christmas, we actually mean a Secret Life of the American Teenager episode that features Ben in Santa's Workshop. Annnnnd, the holidays are officially ruined. Why, Ben, why? Can't you just peace out on a park bench somewhere and drink beer with your stuffed bear? But enough about Benny From The Block — there are important matters to be discussed, like pimps and hos!

Juvie Christmas

So, Ricky and Amy are still fake married. Deal with it. And they're celebrating Christmas in true Secret Life fashion –– you know, with Ricky discussing his sad childhood in juvie while Baby John contemplates the fact that he still can't speak even though he's three. Seriously, someone evaluate our homeboy.

But whatever, John's developmental issues can wait, because guys? Prepare to be traumatized: The time has come for Ricky and Amy to pay pay homage to the Rickster's juvie past by breaking into some toy store called Hedy's Happy Holiday House. Because nothing says yuletide cheer like some good ol' fashioned larceny!

As you might expect, no one gets arrested for breaking and entering because this is Secret Life. Instead, Ricky calls Ethan and makes him dress up as Santa Claus to make Baby John's holiday dreams come true. Need we remind you that Ethan is a total pervert who sent pictures of his underage girlfriend to everyone on his phone list? We fear for this dude's elves.

Breaking, Entering, and CANDY CANES!

So, in case you've blocked it out, Jack Pappas may or may not be dead after being brutally attacked by a community college pimp. We know, football-shaped tears are streaming down our faces. But the good news? Some nerd has decorated Jack's bed in Christmas lights and tinsel –– as in, there is literally tinsel all over his body. And when we say "some nerd," we definitely mean Grace, who has officially gone insane in the membrane.

Yes, our little Cookie Monster has taken to talking to Jack as though he's conscious, and her latest plan? To kidnap Jack Attack with the help of Clementine, Adrian and Omar (who are still kinda-sorta engaged, bee tee dubs) and whisk his half-dead pimped-out body over to Hedy's Happy Holiday House to join in some festive larceny. This is clearly the best idea ever! Unfortunately, a roving policeman is like "Um, guys, this is whack," and forces Grace to wheel comatose Jack back from whence he came. Augh, not even a plate of sausage link skin can solve this problem.

While Grace hovers over Jack's bed and jingles a small Christmas bell in his face — OMG, whole new meaning to “Jingle Bells”! — Omar, Clementine and Adrian head over to Hedy's to get their holiday on. But what about Ben, guys? Where. Is. The. Sausage. Prince?! Shockingly, he is neither drunk, nor high, nor burning down a school. In fact, he's just chilling with his new ex-prostitute sister — you know, the one Leo adopted? Shhh, don't question it! — when Ethan calls up for a favor. Ethan –– sorry, we mean Santa –– wants Ben to break into Hedy's front door so Kathy can join in on the fun, and naturally Ben's all "CHRISTMAS, YAY!" and heads over.

Oh, and yes. We expect Ben to enter an intimate relationship with his prostitute sister any minute now.

Baby Makes Three!

You guys, babies are exploding out of teenage lady parts. Yes, Kathy's underage ovaries are ripened with baby fruit, and naturally, she goes into labor at Hedy's Happy Holiday House. As Madison points out, this is kinda like the birth of Christ. Sigh, Madison has all the answers.

Unfortunately, the ambulance has no idea where Hedy's is, and all our Secret Life friends are trapped –– which means Kathy has to just chillax while Amy, Adrian, and Madison frolick with a bunch of stuffed animals and totally ignore her. Luckily, Omar finds a donkey (no, really), and the whole gang carts Kathy to the hospital on a mule. We have so many Virgin Mary jokes, but we don't want to offend Grace.

In a stroke of bad luck (again), the hospital's electricity blows out as soon as Kathy and her wise men arrive, but fear not –– girlfriend gives birth to a healthy baby gal while Ethan lurks next to her in a Santa Suit. It's a Christmas miracle!

He's Alive!

Oh em gee, Jack is alive! It's another Christmas miracle! Unfortunately, Grace is passed out on a chair and misses his first awakening, but don't worry –– he has a second coming. So, what brings Jack back to life? The idea of eating cookies, obviously. Oh, and the small bell Grace has been ringing in his face for hours on end. An angel just got his wings, guys. SOB.

In other news, George and Kathy are celebrating Christmas like true pervs –– by dressing up as sexy Santa and Mrs. Claus. Unfortunately, Anne and her geriatric mom rain on the parade, and thank god. Our childhoods were this close to being ruined.

In other-other news, everyone gets Christmas presents! Amy gets a bike, Leo's prostitute daughter gets a kitten, and Ben, Alice, and Henry get brand new cars. We have lots of concerns — mostly because Ben has been chauffeured his entire life and we're pretty sure he doesn't know how to drive — but we’ll have to wait until March (sob) to find out his fate!

What did you think of the Secret Life Christmas episode? Tell us below!


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